Should I stay or should I go?

[candyflosshead]

i don’t know where to start. So, I’ll try and keep it short.

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. We have 2 children together, 4yrs and under and I have one ds from a previous relationship.

Basically, I got pregnant quite soon into the relationship and we have been trying to make things work ever since. I totally fell in love with him and do love him. But, I just feel so confused & unhappy.

Our main arguments are over his lack of commitment and no sex life and his moods. He says he loves me and wants to be with me forever, but getting married isn’t important (although he knows it is/was something I would have liked). We live in his house and he keeps promising to put my name on the mortgage, but it never happens. The reason I would have liked the commitment is because when I was pregnant, he threatened to chuck me out & it has left me feeling rather insecure. We haven’t slept together in 2 years which doesn’t help with my insecurities, but every time I mention it he says that it delays things coz I have mentioned it.

We just keep arguing and it feels like nothing ever gets resolved. Arguments and bad feelings usually get dragged out for days with his refusal to talk about things, which isn’t good for any of us especially the kids. So I’m trying to just keep quiet and accept things the way they are and hoping things will get better. Will things get better? Am I expecting too much?

I wonder why he isn't wanting to make love to you but is happy for you to live there? It can't just be for the children?

It's a depressing mess which will only get worse as the arguments increase.

He isn't going to put your name on the house and isn't going to marry you and unfortunately he doesn't even appear to find you attractive enough to want to make love to you.

You need to get you and your children out and set up an amicable split so that the children are loved and cared for by both of you.

Thanks. Sadly I think you are both right. Most days I feel like I am here just for appearances and to be the housekeeper! He says he is always too tired and stressed.

1. How old are you both?

2. How many hours a week does he work?

3. Is he on any medication that could ruin his sex drive? Working too long hours can ruin sex life for both men & women.

4. Does he have a healthy weight? Overweight men have more hormone estrogen in their body which can limit them sexually and less testosterone which helps them to have a higher sex drive. Sporty athletic people usually have more frequent sex life.

5. Does he have a healthy diet? Healthy freshly cooked/prepared food helps with better sex life, junk processed food not so much.

In this case, I would

1. Give him a deadline to marry me and put my name on the mortgage. Say, maximum up to 1 year. If he doesn't do it, I am out of this toxic relationship with the children. He can have 50/50 custody of them and pay for his children's maintenance.

2. Sex life. If he ignores me, I am getting a committed lover for my exclusive love relations who has a high sex drive and wants me sexually or I leave to have full relations with the man who wants me sexually and I don't have to beg for sex and never get it for 2 long years.

3. There is a way of improving communication and having fewer disagreements/arguments.

We are both early 40s. He work 9-5, but to be fair in a very stressful industry. 0 exercise. I cook fresh meals most days. He keeps saying things will get better, I just need to be patient. He is 100% against me having a lover!

Other than sex, do you have cuddles/ kisses/ playful and just intimacy? Can be a look, other languages of love

If you still fancy him, start with touch. Have you guys had a meal out and dress up? Just make each other feel special and have fun?

The bit about 50/50 custody scares me. It’s the thought of missing out on half of my babies lives that really upsets me. He is a good Dad though, so obviously I would want them to see him as much as possible. Wonder whether it would be easier to try and muddle through until both kids are at school.

Many people work in stressful jobs and do not act like this towards their partner so that is no excuse. Tune out and or otherwise ignore such weaselly words from him; its all bs designed to keep you in line (and within his home to sort everything out for him, he really does have a cushy life for his own self at your expense). Do your kids have his surname too?. Yet more power all too readily handed over to him.

Its not going to get any better within his house for either you or your children the longer you all remain within it. Better to come too from a so called broken home than to remain in one.

You're miserable, he's miserable. You've had no sex for half your relationship and that's your fault for mentioning it? That's him saying shut up and let me do what I want.

Just leave.

Having a child very early and before you have explored your feelings and compatibility can lead to a break up or to a cementing of what is there already. However what it has meant for you and your DP is that you have created a form of family without exploring feelings, commitment and compatibility. And it is not a fulfilling arrangement.

It’s not a surprising outcome. We are heavily socialised to form this type of relationship especially when they are children. Additionally many men as well as women don’t want to be parted from their children and don’t want to be alone. This is why people endure dysfunction relationships. You are in a dysfunctional relationship.

Its worth remembering for all of you but especially the children function matters more than form.

Both you and your DP need to explore why you are together and be honest. What you have now is unsustainable and will lead to further dysfunction when things gets messy. You will need courage to be willing to end things before they get messy.

Getting married doesn’t sound like a good idea, except in so far that it allows you to claim a share of assets in a divorce. But it will tie you further into a frustrating and unfulfilling life when you actually need to change it.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

You've probably also confused love here with codependency too.

FGS do not wait until the kids are at school because you will merely be further ground down by him. If you separate do so sooner rather than later. Your boundaries, perhaps already skewed by previous poor relationships and poor (emotionally bereft) childhood experience are being further done in by this man now.

NO, he is not a good dad if he treats you as the mother of his children like he is doing. He was and perhaps remains all too ready to throw you all out onto the streets. If he cannot be bothered to treat you (his childrens mother) decently and using veiled threats let alone his "stressful" job what makes you at all think he would be bothered with his children going forward?. DO you really think that with his current lifestyle as it is he would actually want his children around him half the week?. No and furthermore he could well use them as pawns to further punish you with.

Reframe this, in terms of your children. It is not good for them to be brought up in a dysfunctional relationship with parent who argue and frustrate each other.

They are better off having two happy parents who don’t live together than two warring ones. And it won’t get better. There will be affairs and more toxicity.

Such men are really not good dads to their children either.

Thanks for all your replies. To be honest, I don’t want to marry him or go on the house now. I think that I just wanted a show of commitment from him. Now it would be bittersweet. If that makes sense?

Yes I think the writing is on the wall too, and agree with the great post from LemonTT saying that you made your life without really knowing it was right for you. My outsiders view is probably that this is best ended quite soon so you can all settle down elsewhere, and you have a think about what led you into the situation in the first place. Good luck xx

Where did you live before with your other dc?

I can't see the relationship getting better and you have no security - especially for your older child. How old are they?

The atmosphere must be obvious to them and that might impact later on, especially in teen years.

Do you have the ability to earn your own money and provide for yourself...any family support?