Ending marriage - how to navigate with a child. Feel horrendous

[treasure47]

Last night I made the decision to separate from my husband. This came after around 18 months of feeling unhappy and back and forth turmoil. We’ve been together since we were 18, married for 5 and have a 3 yo DS. He’s my first and only partner. It’s been so difficult because I don’t hate or dislike him but I feel like I love him more like a brother or family member and everything else feels forced. If I’m being deeply honest that feeling has been there for a while but I’ve always pushed it down and because I don’t have anything else to compare it to, I didn’t really know what was “right” or “normal”, and that maybe it was just me.
Unfortunately I did the classic getting slide to someone else and it made me address these feelings I had pushed aside. Nothing happened and I distanced myself but it’s like I can’t go back to how I was anymore. It feels like seeing something I can’t unsee! Ultimately I feel like I’ve changed a lot in the last few years and that we don’t fit together in the same way anymore.
my husband is a good person, I’m pretty sure he’d never hurt me etc. although he wasn’t always the most hands on dad and didn’t (and often still doesn’t) do his fair share of housework etc so I think when we had our son some resentment built up because I felt like I was doing everything on my own. He’s since changed and does help out more but I do also feel like a lot of the time it’s just me and our son, because we’ve built up this strong bond and it’s like my husband isn’t a part of it.
the decision was so hard to make, and I feel like I’m not fully sure it’s the right one, but only because of our son and how this would affect him. If we didn’t have a child I’d feel much better that it was the right thing for me. I don’t want to get into a situation where I’m staying for my son and then what happens when he’s grown up and living his own life and it’s just me and my husband again? Im still of an age where I could possibly have another child and I’ve always wanted another and still would, but I don’t want to bring another child into something that’s not working. We haven’t been intimate for around 18 months too. I sometimes think I need to be but I’ve been trying to not force myself to do anything. I think making effort is different to having to force something.
Sorry this is very rambly but I feel horrendous and like I can’t talk to anyone IRL about it yet and feel like I just need to get it off my chest. Last night my husband said that if I want to separate I have to sort everything out because he doesn’t want it. I think this is likely spoken from a place of hurt and in time we could possibly have a good relationship for our son and get along but I just can’t see where to start or how to navigate this with a child.
i feel sick and so awful and I hate this feeling. It makes me wonder if I can go through with this or if I should keep trying but we’ve been in this position a few times now and the back and forth and my indecision isn’t doing either of us any good.
Any advice or similar stories would be helpful! Thanks

That meant to say getting close to someone else!

Don’t stay for you son. That’s the wrong thing to do.
Ask him to leave while you sort your head out.

Do you rent or own your home? What are your housing options?

Have you spoken with a solicitor or gone through information online about how to split assets?

Do you both work FT? What are your childcare options?

I feel like I can’t ask him to move out, like that would really unfair on him. Last night he slept in the spare room although I said I would he didn’t want me to. My son asked this morning where daddy was and I had to say he was sleeping in the other room because he was snoring too loudly 😕

We own our home but I’m pretty sure neither of us could keep it without the other (my husband possibly could although not sure he could buy me out). We’d likely have to sell but I’m not sure what our options would be re. our own housing options afterwards. Would need to speak to a mortgage advisor.
the house is our only/main asset really.
i work part time (3 days) and DS is in nursery those days. I could probably increase my hours at work if I needed to (which I probably will)

Have you done any couples counseling or do you feel like there's no relationship left to try to salvage here?

No we haven’t done that. Neither of us really wanted to tbh. We’ve done a lot of talking between us

Ok, it sounds like you could do with some practical advice on finance and housing.

The divorce board on here may be useful to you.

It's a difficult and unpleasant thing to navigate, I'm sorry you may have to go through it but sometimes it's for the best, and in time everyone will recover. Though trying counseling is a good suggestion too.

I would at least give the counselling a try.

OP,

I think that your marriage is over and you clearly know it.

You are far to young to be settling for a relationship that doesn't make you happy.

Your husband didn't help when your son was born and unfortunately that put you on this path of distance between you.

It is a very common theme.

The road of resentment is often the precursor to no longer being in love.

I wish more men would realise this and not be so surprised when their selfishness comes back to bite them on the arse and they are surprised that their partner wants to split.

I think counselling would be useful if it helps you split up peacefully.

Do not accept him blaming you.
This is not on you.

He chose to do as little as possible and this is the consequence years later.

Start planning the practicalities of splitting.
Increasing your hours.
Selling the house.
It would be good if you can share the house peacefully while you get organised.

Him telling you that YOU will have to do everything is a perfect example of why you no longer love him.

Lazy and selfish.

Reach out to family and friends for support.

Your son will be fine if you do this peacefully and cooperate.

If he doesn't, it is further proof of how selfish and lazy he is.

@treasure47 firstly well done, it's an incredibly brave decision to make.
You and I have been in almost the exact same situation over the past few months and have replied to each other on many posts, but I have had to name change for personal reasons.

My H left last month, I could no longer live a lie. We were living as housemates and something in me had woken up and realised I need more. I think I am older than you but I feel I still have a chance at happiness (hopefully!).

It has been absolutely horrendous and DD has struggled at school for a few weeks as a consequence which is awful. But......she is now more settled and I know I've made the right decision. It's like a weight has lifted.

We now have to navigate selling the house etc which is going to be awful. My financial advisor has told me under no circumstances to move out or to agree to sell this quickly as H has a responsibility to provide a roof for his daughter. I need to find a solicitor but am still in disbelief it's all happening to be honest.

Feel free to DM if you want to talk, it's a tough time 💐

I was where you are now about 10 years ago, my personal experience is that you can’t get back from resentment and that any changes are only ever on the surface.
From a practical point of view I would suggest marriage counselling as a way to navigate the situation, also entitledto website will show any benefits you are potentially able to claim, also zoopla may help with a ballpark value for your house to help you work out the value\equity without having to deal with estate agents.