How to toughen up & stop self sabotage? I need tough love majorly

[peoniesandblooms]

I am in a relationship with my partner who is loving and the best man I could ask for. He has recently sold his business, so life has been amazing recently and I should have no complaints.

However, my brain keeps finding stuff to be anxious about and I keep ending up grumpy about it as a result. We split up due to this a year ago and just recently got back together which I am so thankful for. I am glued to my phone and never present in the moment, constantly worried about if something from my past might pop up, if my partner wakes up one day and doesn't love me anymore or even meets someone else. My brain comes up with insane situations.

I really need a kick up the arse to stop this. I did years of therapy, I know the origin as I've lived my whole life in survival mode and quite poor but I need to stop this while I can. I'm 20 and my mum died when I was younger, so I don't have a female figure to talk sense into me.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum

It sounds like you really need to continue to work on yourself and your own stuff, as you're aware it's affecting your relationships. Have you ever read up on mindfulness? I've heard there are apps that can help teach you. That could help you with being more present. Have you tried CBT?
I hope some other people can give you more advice too. Take care

Are you able to seek therapy again? It may be worth talking to a professional so you can find a way to deal with your inner demons.

From what you've said, sounds like you've found a great partner. And the only thing that will sabotage the relationship will be your own thoughts. Overthinking things can be dangerous and push people away. It's also so important to live in the present. If you're constantly worried about the past, or constantly panicking about things that haven't yet happened (and may never happen), you'll never be able to live in the moment and enjoy what is right in front of you.

Definitely go to therapy. Acknowledging your own issues is the first step, now you need to find a way to delve deeper to tackle them.

One of my close friends was similar to you, although not to as extreme of an extent and it was awful for me to watch. So I really hope you manage to work through this.

Ps if you are 20 now, you are still so young. I don't mean this to be patronising at all, but years of therapy at your age while you've still been growing up are a different circumstance to years of therapy for an older person who wasn't going through adolescence at the time. What I'm trying to say is... please don't dismiss therapy because it hasn't 'worked' yet. You've been going through a hell of a lot and you're very young. Please be gentle with yourself and don't give up on trying to find a way to be happier. Also, there's therapy and there's therapy. It may be worth evaluating your options, going to the GP again etc.

@Cyberworrier I have read up on mindfulness & CBT but tbh I will need to do it more, I am just at my wits end. I am living a life that most people would be dying to live and I am just watching it pass by because I'm so concerned about what others think and do! I meant to say I'm in my 20s (typo) - I have just turned 24 so not as young as I may sometimes think! I definitely think I might give therapy another go, I am just very vocal about my issues and have no problem seeking reassurance (too much tbh) so I don't need to talk about them, I need actual methods!

@elle1005 I think the same to be honest. I am just so worried, because they say thoughts create your reality and things like that, so I'm worried I'll make something happen :(

What happened with your friend?

Understood. Trust me, 24 is still very young too- I was still a full time student at that age!
For me, CBT was helpful for some stuff but kind of like an Elastoplast when I had a gaping wound. However, it can be good for mindfulness and things like the phone attachment that could help at least a bit. Can you afford private therapy? If so, make sure it's someone from BACP. I always tell people how wonderful DBT is (very different to CBT) but that's because I honestly think it could help most people and it absolutely transformed my life. It's sometimes available on the nhs but not easily. Definitely go see you GP and do you have any family you can talk to or really trusted family friends who could support you?

She's slowly trying to turn things around. Exercise really helps her and puts her in a much better mental state.

She was in a relationship with a guy that she adored. But it all crumbled as her anxiety got too much for him. She was constantly seeking reassurance over and over again. If he didn't call bang on time, she would over analyse everything and think the worst that he would leave. And then one day he left. She was broken but is fortunately much stronger now. She focuses on living a healthy life, fuelling her body right.

Do you exercise at all?
I get bouts of anxiety sometimes about general life but I always find it so much more manageable if I'm active.

So a couple of points leapt out from your post.

Glued to phone. Anxiety has risen since smart phones exploded. Perhaps work on being away from your phone.

And thankful he came back to you. Which indicates that your self worth is reliant on others. As well as saying you are living a life others would be dying to live. Are you sure about that? Many young females don't want to have a lifestyle dependent on a man's money. It puts you at so much mercy to him and his wallet that you become, well you lose any independent power or choices. Again this might tie in with phone use, lifestyle Instagram goals and a misconception of what is desirable.

You say he sold his business and life should be perfect. But is being with someone who now, presumably, has no reason or drive to do something most of the time perfect? Or are you meaning financially? I miss what is perfect about this if I am honest.

How old is your partner? Are you a pretty young thing he knows is a little broken?

And of course not forgetting you have already lost your mum. Which is young. Being able to verbalise your thoughts is only one step of processing them. Do you not have another older female you can talk to?

But as you asked for methods. Search digital detox methods. Put your phone away for a day. 8 hours even. Re-engaged with real life and people. Make sure you maintain friendships and not just your relationship. Try and focus on a couple of your own true dreams and goals and make step by step plans to achieve them alone if need be.

Exercise in nature.

And if you do post on social media try to not post for a week say. Look at why you post if you do. Do you want to make people happy or impress them or even for them to be envious? Dig deep for the motivations you have for doing what you are doing.

It will take work OP. Otherwise nothing will change. Hard work at times.

It sounds like you have anxiety. I have it too. Mine is the panic disorder variant.

I watched this girl years back on our regular news. She was saying cbt never worked for her. She tried ir several times. Until she came across a therapy called ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) it is available on the NHS. But if it is causing you so much trouble now, it might be worth finding a BACP registered counsellor who specialises in ACT.

My counsellor at the time also recommended a book called the happiness trap. It helps explain why our brains do what they do and how a lot of people do it. It's do with an internal alarm system. All very interesting stuff.

It really reasonated with me and quite honestly changed my life. It gets you to challenge these thoughts and unlike the talking therapy, it is directional which people with anxiety need.

Good luck op!

And you know you don't need tough love at all. You need to be kind to yourself. You've recognised there is an issue and that's amazing.

You just need some help that's all to stop these intrusive thoughts.