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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't want to be with him anymore

14 replies

FancyACuppaThen · 21/05/2022 19:40

Ughhh. So.
Me and my partner both own a home, two young kids. He had been verbally, sometimes physically, abusing me over the years, sometimes he's ok with me, mostly not, I walk on eggshells, or I'm shouted at infront of the kids.
Been like that a few years, but, lately, I've realised I just don't want to come home to him anymore. He's 39, I'm 30. I want to enjoy my 30's, I enjoyed first half of my twenties but not the second half due to him.
Anyways, question is, we own a home both names on the mortgage, how can I get him to agree we need to sell and move on with our lives. He's gunna really kick off with me if I say it

OP posts:
tothemoonandbackbuses · 21/05/2022 20:04

I think your best course of action would be to see a solicitor and find out how to go about selling the house before you speak to your partner.

frozendaisy · 21/05/2022 20:17

Yeah see a solicitor, then I would move out first and legally instruct for sale rather than tell him. He might buy you out which could possibly be the best option.

cornflakedreams · 21/05/2022 20:25

Women's Aid and solicitor.

You need advice from someone with expertise in domestic abuse and how to safely and effectively exit it.

Freedom Programme might be an idea on the path to recovery too.

oviraptor21 · 21/05/2022 20:44

I'd contact a domestic abuse charity first.

You can also look at:
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/if-you-were-living-together/what-happens-to-your-home-when-you-separate/#h-if-you-own-your-home

And
www.flows.org.uk/

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/05/2022 20:49

cornflakedreams · 21/05/2022 20:25

Women's Aid and solicitor.

You need advice from someone with expertise in domestic abuse and how to safely and effectively exit it.

Freedom Programme might be an idea on the path to recovery too.

This.
you can report him to the police for abuse and with luck he'll be arrested and bailed for long enough for you to get an occupation order but you'll need proper professional advice on this in terms of what evidence you have.

Original poster
FancyACuppaThen · 21/05/2022 21:31

Hey guys, thanks for the info... I just want to say, I'm not scared of him anymore. I'm not leaving my home. I'm wanting to stay calm, and sell, and move on.
He can't intimidate me in here anymore, he can't call me ugly, or fat, (I'm 5.3 and a tiny 7.3stone) :( .... he can't shout at me infront of the kids anymore or tell me if I cut my hair he won't be attracted to me. Lol. So yeah, I should see a solicitor, are they able to force him to agree to put the house up for sale?
Thanks xx

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 21/05/2022 21:46

He had been verbally, sometimes physically, abusing me over the years, sometimes he's ok with me, mostly not, I walk on eggshells, or I'm shouted at infront of the kids

OP while it's good you're determined and say you're not scared of him anymore, leaving an abusive man is the most dangerous time in a relationship so needs to be done as safely as possible and with the right support in place.

That's why I would urge you to call women's aid ASAP so they can explain the best, safest process and help you through it.

You absolutely must leave him as he is clearly an abusive bastard and feels comfortable enough to abuse you in front of your kids, which is extra awful.

But you need to do it safely as abusers are most dangerous when they feel they're losing control.

Please call women's aid for their expertise - they can advise on practical next steps when it comes to legal and financial stuff as well as giving you emotional support.

Grumpycatsmum · 21/05/2022 21:54

@FancyACuppaThen , if you are joint owners then yes, you can, in the end, get a court order for a sale. But sale on the market. You can't force him to sell his half to you

Original poster
FancyACuppaThen · 21/05/2022 22:44

Thanks for the info and contacts. I feel confident now though, the penny has dropped. He isn't going to do shiiiiiit. He's too scared. For years I didn't stand up to him. Now, all I've said is I don't want to be with you anymore, I want to sell the house, we're done. I've begged for name calling to stop while I've been crying and he's said oh go to bed you stupid c*nt. or you basic b/tch you aren't good enough for me...

It's crazy I have no feelings now, it's been 6 years of it, I don't know how I stopped caring, it's amazing really.

I will reach out the the relevant women's aid though, will be good to have a chat!

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 21/05/2022 22:53

I will reach out the the relevant women's aid though, will be good to have a chat!

Please do do this before you say anything to him OP.

While you say he won't do anything, they always always always turn nasty when they realise you aren't changing your mind.

Whether verbally or worse. Don't underestimate his likelihood to revert back to his abusive self, which is his real self, when he realises you won't change your mind.

Being as prepared as possible for that is really important Flowers

Original poster
FancyACuppaThen · 21/05/2022 23:08

wellhelloitsme · 21/05/2022 22:53

I will reach out the the relevant women's aid though, will be good to have a chat!

Please do do this before you say anything to him OP.

While you say he won't do anything, they always always always turn nasty when they realise you aren't changing your mind.

Whether verbally or worse. Don't underestimate his likelihood to revert back to his abusive self, which is his real self, when he realises you won't change your mind.

Being as prepared as possible for that is really important Flowers

Thank you, you're wonderful 🤍

OP posts:
Original poster
FancyACuppaThen · 21/05/2022 23:11

oviraptor21 · 21/05/2022 20:44

REALLY helpful, thanks 🤍 xx

OP posts:
stepuporshutup · 21/05/2022 23:15

Court order he will have to sell

Original poster
FancyACuppaThen · 21/05/2022 23:15

Thanks @CloseYourEyesAndSee
Our neighbour in our previous property reported him, nothing major that day they just heard him shouting abuse at me about my genitals as I didn't want to have sex with him so he started to call me names

How silly I was to ever ever put up with it, I'm completely embarrassed 🤔

OP posts:
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