DH is leaving me

[Twinstudy]

DH has announced today that he's leaving me and I'm in such a mess.

I've had some issues with drinking for a while but finally started seeing someone from the alcohol rehab centre this week. DH was pleased, said that he would support me and understood things wouldn't change over night. The alcohol counsellor was lovely and told me not to change anything immediately and to keep a drinking diary, which I've done. I had a few drinks last night (1.5 bottles of wine which I know is a lot) Today DH has told me nothing is changing so he's leaving me. I explained everything the counselor said at the time and thought he understood it wouldn't be an immediate fix.

I understand it's hard for him, I really do but he also has his own MH issues that he refuses to do anything about.

I'm so sad, I really don't know what I'm going to do.

I'm sorry, I don't really know why I'm posting but I don't have anyone to talk to irl. I'm just here sobbing onto the dog :(

I'm sorry this happened OP. I know in that stage of my rehab many people questioned the authenticity of the lack of immediate reduction. (I also used local substance abuse and medical detoxed at home after 3 months of counselling and diary's and a low slow reduction).

There's a reason they do it that way, and it works.

If he's hung around this long, then there's hope if you just stay on path. Good luck. I'm fast approaching 3 years. You're doing the right thing with or without him, for you.

Meant to say, my place was excellent at being willing to include family and my Partner attended a counselling session at my request to understand a bit more about the process. Do ask.

I feel for you. Hang in there though and maybe you can use this as the kick up the bum you need to stop drinking. Once you've done that then you can focus on your relationship. Now is time to concentrate on you.

@Twinstudy I’m so sorry to hear this. I’ve no words of wisdom, but wanted to congratulate you on the strength you’ve shown to seek help.

I also wanted to say how brilliantly supportive @theemmadilemma‘s post is, 3 years is incredible.

@theemmadilemma thank you. They did say he could come along if I wanted him to but I was thinking that would be further along in the process.

He's upstairs singing along to fucking Alexa while he packs and I'm down here crying my heart out. It's like he doesn't give a shit about me

He cares. To have stayed to now, he cares. It's so hard on our Partners. All is not lost, yet.

Try to stay on your path. I thought of my self as the little engine that could and all I had to do was stay on track, just keep going down that track to sobriety station. Do it for you, firstly.

Give him time to see this is different, give him space to see your not budging off track this time.

You can do this and I promise you, there is an amazing life when you walk out of sobriety station. X

No . Sadly he gives far too much of a shit about you that he thinks him leaving might be the catalyst that makes the change.

This is MN where women can do know wrong. Substitute me (female) for Him (male) and you will get a plethora of advice telling you to leave . .. and if you (him) REALLY want to do this and save your marriage - then you will. (I was you - been there and I did it ) you will too.

And you got that from not one person saying that? Ffs.

There's support for someone seeking help, and support that this happening. No one has said he shouldn't.

I’m so sorry OP. It sounds like he’s put up with things for a long time and is hoping now that you’re seeking help you’re stable enough to leave. My dm stayed with my alcoholic father for years after she should’ve left as she was convinced he’d drink himself to death if she left. She waited until he was on the road to recovery before leaving. He stuck with it and was an amazing dad to us for the first time for the rest of his life. Alcoholism takes such a toll on loved ones.

Show him you can do this on your own. Because you can.

Living with an alcoholic is hell. Maybe he doesn't understand the weaning process (although 1.5 bottles of wine does seem excessive if you are weaning). Maybe he thought that by you seeking help you would not still be drinking that much. Maybe he wants to shock you into stopping. Maybe is is just sick and tired of it all and nothing seems to be changing.
All you can do now is show him you can stop and work hard on your sobriety but don't let this be an excuse to go back drinking full tilt. That option is off the table if you want him back.

I know you're all right that he's put up with a lot. I do need to focus on me now, it's a lot all at once but I'll just keep going I suppose. Thank you for the supportive messages, they do help :)

Maybe he needs a break for his own MH.
Concentrate on you now.

He may have hit breaking point - living with an alcoholic is soul destroying. He probably had unrealistic high hopes around what you engaging with rehab services would mean and now feels let down. Give him space, keep working at your sobriety and don't blame him for his response - it's really understandable. Alcohol addiction breaks the trust between partners and you have to work hard at rebuilding that. I suspect that as your sobriety develops and strengthens, his MH may also improve and he may be more open to seeking help for himself.

I wish you well, I wish my late husband had the strength and insight you are showing.

@Twinstudy How are you getting on?

He is fed up to the back teeth. He has said he is leaving and a weight has lifted. You need to crack on with your programme for yourself, not for him, or your marriage. I wish you all the best in your recuperation and I send him my sympathy.