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Original poster

Marry the man who loves you more or the man you love?

22 replies

Blackcatnofat · 21/05/2022 16:55

Not quite that blunt, but I've heard several times that to give a relationship the best chance of survival it's better if the man loves you just that little bit more.

Does anyone agree?

OP posts:
Basilbrushgotfat · 21/05/2022 16:57

So I've been told, but why wouldn't you love that person back? The two aren't mutually exclusive

sessell · 21/05/2022 17:29

Depends on how secure you are as a person. I was lucky to marry the man who loved me a bit more. I loved him too, but not in the awful soul-destroying slightly unrequited way I had with some others. It was so much more of a solid foundation for real proper love to grow and flourish.

PurpleDaisies · 21/05/2022 17:32

I’ve never considered if I love dh more or he loves me more. If I were thinking about it like that, it maybe that would be a sign that we shouldn’t really be getting married.

Piglet80 · 21/05/2022 21:51

Man that loves you more.. no brainer really

Hoolahulahoop · 21/05/2022 21:53

Hard question 🤔
Probably the man who loves you a bit more

ExamResultsPanic · 21/05/2022 21:55

Man that loves you more

elle1005 · 21/05/2022 21:58

If I had to choose, then obviously the man who loves me more than I love him. But I'd have to love him too.

It comes back to that whole thing of "whoever cares less has the most power". Ah good old dating and relationships....

Greensleeves · 21/05/2022 21:59

Hold out for the one who loves you completely and you feel the same?

AnnaMagnani · 21/05/2022 22:00

When I married DH, I was pretty certain he loved me more.

Now, we are 10 years in and there is nothing in it. It's good grounds for a solid relationship.

RaspberryChouxBuns · 21/05/2022 22:01

The man who loves you more

lassof · 21/05/2022 22:01

I married the man who loved me more. Reader, he hit 40, changed his mind, now we are divorced. I guess the only good part is that it wasn't devastating.

SoggyPaper · 21/05/2022 22:03

Cynically at this point in my life, I’m feeling that you should save yourself the bother and just both marry him at all. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s hard to tell if they really do adore you or if they’re good at pretending - until you’ve signed the paperwork.

Overall, I think my advice would be: make better relationship choices than SoggyPaper! 🤣🤣🤣

powershowerforanhour · 21/05/2022 22:04

How would you know if he loved you more than you loved him though? Like, hmm I'd take a bullet for DH and he for me, but I don't think we'd chuck ourselves on each other's funeral pyres if one of us died (even pre children).

darisdet · 21/05/2022 22:05

He loves you more than you love him? @Blackcatnofat

I don't know. That could take the form of clingy, keen behaviour or love bombing. I'd possibly find that irritating. I would need to love him.

yesterdayisgone · 21/05/2022 22:05

the man who loves me more and as a result of his love I love him too

5128gap · 22/05/2022 00:08

Theres plenty of people who married the man who loved them more only to find that the balance tipped at some point, leaving them wondering where they'd gone wrong and trying to recapture the past.
Theres a fine line between being loved more and being put on a pedestal that its easy to fall off and impossible to climb back on to.

mumieone · 22/05/2022 00:22

I 100% agree. If the man thinks he is the princess/prize, that he doesn't need to send you flowers because you could send him flowers, not bother with DIY because females are now doing trades and all the equal or I am better views. It's not going to work unless you are someone who is ok with a relationship where you are just nothing special but an equal part like a contract.

mumieone · 22/05/2022 00:26

Greensleeves · 21/05/2022 21:59

Hold out for the one who loves you completely and you feel the same?

Hold out? You say this like there is a massive pool of decent men seeking an honest commited relationship out there.

oviraptor21 · 22/05/2022 00:28

Depends how much you love him. And what is stopping you marrying the guy you love more.

RyanAirVeteran · 22/05/2022 00:45

My wise old mum used to say, you need two people to truly love each other to start with, but after that there is always, always in a relationship, the lover and the loved and that balance shifts as needs for love and support shift within a relationship.

When his back was to the wall, I was the lover and supporter, ditto when mine was too the wall he assumed the mantle.

After thirty four years it is made up of the little things, I make his bed and he brings me coffee and a square of dark chocolate every morning since lockdown began.

Sounds sappy, but it works.

SarahAndQuack · 22/05/2022 00:51

I like my grandpa's advice on this subject. He said that, when you're having an awful time, you need a partner who makes you feel they are lucky to have you, and they love you that bit more. When they are having a bad time, you need to be able to make them feel you love them a bit more than they love themselves. And when you're both happy with life (he said), that's when you can tell them honestly why the heck they are so annoying! Grin

I would always hold out for someone I thought was wonderful. You can only go downhill.

Bednobsbroomsticks · 22/05/2022 07:01

Yes I agree with the lover and the loved comment. And I think the balance can change over time. At the start of my marriage I was the lover and he the loved. Since menopause he's the lover and I'm the loved because I haven't got it in me to be the lover now haha. Weird how it can change

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