How do I get out of this

[Hellodarknessmyoldfriend2]

Can anyone help me with this? I feel in such a bind and so lost and I just don’t know what to do.

12 years ago I started a relationship with someone 18 years ago. He’s not a bad person in lots of ways, was very supportive but actually the relationship was very much on his terms. He had a lot going ok in his life with his parents etc and I was very much second. It all came to a head about 5-6 years in, I realised he was stringing me along and that he was happy for the relationship to carry on as it was but it would never progress. The relationship ended - I say ended as it sexually ended - but I guess in every way we were enmeshed.

I started a relationship with someone else. It lasted a year, it could never really get off the ground as my ex was still too heavily involved with my life - also the new person wasn’t great, emotionally distant. Substance abuse problems.

it’s been 4 years since then and tbh nothing has changed. I know I need distance. The problem is I have no family at all that I can talk to or rely on and very few friends. I rely on him for a lot. We basically live together like some sort of brother sister couple. It’s awful though. Day to day, it works as it’s like having a room mate, someone to talk to, to share the load. But in every other way I hate it.

I made my peace with it a few years ago. That this was it for me. I’d never find anyone else again. And I could get on with it apart from the fact that despite all the good sides of it, I find him controlling. Just small tiny things but I hate it. I just feel stuck and honestly I just wish I was dead. If I could go back in time, I’d take the other relationship in a heartbeat. I also know that deep down although we get along - and clearly we must both be fulfilling some need in each other because otherwise why would anyone put up with this - I think I really hate him and despise him. He knows this and it makes me hate him more because I don’t see how anyone would be willing to put up with it. I think he thinks well it’s company for him and he thinks he’s a great person because all these years he’s supported me but I hate him for everything he put me through.

Sorry that was meant to say he is 18 years older. I do genuinely just wish I was dead.

It sounds like co-dependency. Do you work? Who owns the home you live in? Any children? What sort of things do you rely on him for?
You don't have to answer any of this if you don't wish.

In my view, it would be best to be financially independent, separate bank account, then find a place of your own or if this is your property ask him to leave (you may need legal advice on this). I would also look into therapy and park dating and relationships for a good while, 2 years or more until you are settled in your new life and on your own feet. Hopefully by then the therapy had helped you establish boundaries and heal or reach some peace with whatever it is that made you enter and stay in these two relationships.
If you feel suicidal please get help from your GP and there is also Samaritans.

What is co dependency? I think I do have that and I just don’t know how to break it.

I have my own home but he stays here all the time. I work but it’s not very stable and so I can spend a lot of time alone. Financial independence is a big thing I’ve been trying to get full time work. I have been having counselling for a few years it’s just such a mess. No kids though thankfully.

Am I co dependent or is he co dependent? He definitely likes people to depend on him and I feel ground down by everything that’s happened. Deep down, I think it really suits him that I’ve become so reliant on him for everything and it’s why I resent and deeply hate him.

I don’t really understand the situation to be able to give advice?

So is it your home you both live in? Could you afford to live there without him? Or if you rented his room out?

If so, I'd be giving him notice he needs to find somewhere else to live. First step to moving on.

I also don’t really understand. You were/are in a relationship with this older person? Do you have any ties to them financially? What is stopping you blocking and blanking them?

Cut him off immediately and block him, I don't have anyone to rely on, family all live hundreds of miles away and don't care anyway. I am totally independent and have taught myself to do everything - also got a degree late in life and a career.
You don't need anyone if you are prepared to learn how to do everything yourself.

Could you move away? It sounds like it would force this relationship to come to an end and you could start fresh. What do you depend on him to do for you?

Im financially reliant on him in that if I can’t make my bills he will help me. I’m trying to find better paid work. I guess I’m also emotionally reliant in that there is no one else I have to talk to.

it feels like everything is gone. He knows how I feel and has done for years. He’s happy with the situation.

i feel angry that I let myself get into this situation and so sad that I thought this was a good relationship. I know I sound weak. I just feel so tired of it all. I just feel emotionally ground down, completely gone. He doesn’t think he’s a bad person but for years he manipulated me and took advantage that there wasn’t anywhere else I could go.

it sounds so stupid but it’s even really small things. He hates me cooking or doing anything. I started to make myself salads and he got upset he wasn’t making them. I feel incredibly incredibly lonely and alone.

He helps you out with bills but is living rent free in your house? or is this after he's paid his half of the household outgoings? Would your bills reduce if you could get a smaller place that wouldn't have room for him?

How old were you when you met him? Were you very inexperienced and vulnerable? It almost sounds like he's groomed you.

Controlling what you eat is really odd and not acceptable.

So is he living rent free and almost bill free in your house, controlling what you cook and eat? Oh my love, it sound so vulnerable and almost like a slave or prisoner of this man. Please please call Woman’s Aid, or The Samaritans and seek help to get rid of this awful man. You are depressed because you are living a life you don’t want to live. Just getting him out will improve it dramatically.

OP give him notice and get a roommate who pays rent and half the bills

I am depressed because I’m living a life I don’t want to live. I was 23 when we met. No one would think I need woman’s aid though.

It’s all my fault though. I just feel so whittled away. I could find a better job and move on, which is what I need to do. I think I just feel so utterly depressed that he’s treated me like this and I didn’t move on long ago. I really don’t have anyone else. If I didn’t see him, I could go for weeks without seeing anyone.

I am really all alone. I just feel so so sad. I really wish I wasn’t here.

I'm in a similar position in that im financially reliant on hubby, but I have 2 kids... and have ended it with him as I was living a very similar life to you... it's lonely and you will resent him the longer you stay! You may not be on the highest of wages (neither am I), but go to Citizens advice, look into rented/shared ownership properties etc that you can afford on your own. It doesn't have to be the biggest place, but a place that you can feel comfortable In, that you can call home. Once you're settled in there, then look into groups in the area, volunteering, jobs etc to get you out more. Do 1 step at a time, it won't be easy but the longer you leave it the harder it will be. Im still looking for a place to live with the kids but although worried I feel happier knowing im not going to be miserable for ever! As someone said to me... you are the artist to your own life, don't hand anyone else the paintbrush! X

It's ok, you can sort this. Really you can, it’s never too late. Do you feel the counselling has been helpful?

You can get yourself out of this, it’s all ok

It has been helpful but I just feel I can’t help myself. My therapist said it’s a very messy relationship, he became the parent almost because he wanted to be.

I think I just feel so sad that I don’t have any family and feel completely unable to stand on my own two feet. But I just can’t do it anymore. I feel exhausted. I don’t know if there is something wrong with me and maybe I’ve become mentally ill over the years.

ive spent the whole day in bed lying down and crying. I just can’t cope anymore but I’ve been like this for so long. I started smoking in the hope that I’ll get cancer and die. I couldn’t bear another 30 years of this.

I’ve just left a similar situation and it’s really hard. I doubt very much that he is only controlling in small ways. It sounds like you are being financially abused and emotionally neglected. Withholding affection can be a type of abuse also.

I understand the loneliness. Something I realised is that my ex was not the cure to my loneliness, he was the cause of it. I knew I should go out and make friends but I was so low it felt impossible. You need connections again and some friends who love you and who you can depend on.

The financial stuff and making friends is within your control. I’m concerned he might become more controlling as you try to do this.

I don’t think he would. He has a very good network of friends and family. Honestly, if I were to cut him off he would be ok and just carry on and be happy. That used to upset me before and make me feel hurt. It doesn’t anymore. But it does upset me in the sense that i don’t have the same.

he knows though that without him I would struggle to survive financially especially at the moment. But he’s always known that.

I would never go out with someone like this again. The power imbalance was so great in so many ways and I couldn’t see it because he used to pay for things, encourage me to pursue my career snd to save but it was always on his terms. Most people know him as very kind and generous and maybe he is but the dynamic in our relationship is very toxic.

You say he’s at yours most of the time but I’m guessing this means he doesn’t actually live with you? If your only real tie to him is he bails you out then get a second job (doesn’t have to be a “better” job, just something for extra) and don’t let him in your house.