Hurt feelings re sex

[Pumpkinsanddaisies]

First time poster here.

I have been with my partner three years and I thought we had a loving satisfying sex life although I did know he would like more of it. Currently averaging about once a week. i would like it more too but it just never seems to happy being tired, teens still awake etc.

He started a text chat with me the other day indicating he was very unhappy and frustrated. He said some really hurtful things like there was nothing in it for him and that I only gave him a quick rub and our sex lode was stale. This is not true and I have always been very considerate of his happiness. He always pleasures me first and I am always very keen for him to finish in whatever way he wants. He has since back tracked and apologised and said he didn’t mean any of it he was just frustrated and trying hard to make his point that he wanted more sex with me.

The problem is now I can’t get those words out my head and my feelings are so so hurt. I feel so embarrassed that I thought he enjoyed sex with me when clearly he thinks I just give him a quick rub and there is nothing in it for him! For the record I touch him lots and have suggested many positions and he has not been receptive to them at all. Says he lacks confidence. I have been left feeling so inadequate.

I don’t know how I can get past this and be intimate with him when I’m just going to worry that he is thinking how inadequate I am.

He thinks he’s said sorry and I should just get over it now, am I wrong to be still be hurt about what he said?

You are not being unreasonable to be upset at what he said. He obviously meant it on some level and it was a hurtful thing to say, he is also unreasonable expecting you to,simply forget about it just because he says so. If he won't be more adventurous and you've tried then what on earth does he want. I think you have to have a conversation and say he has to tell you as with the best will in the world you are not a mind reader. Also, if he wants more time together how does he suggest it happens in the confines of your family and what is he going to do about making it happen.

You need to talk about it more OP, and face to face rather than a text chat where you can agonise over every word for days afterwards.

He's allowed to be frustrated, but you're also allowed to be hurt. It sounds like you both need to get to the root of the issue without saying anything unnecessarily hurtful. His feeling it's not enough is obviously news to you, and not easy to hear, so you need a little time to process that. But you need to know what he really means then, if he maintains he didn't mean what he said.

I'd say you need to give him a chance to express himself without making him feel bad for saying something (you said he didn't like your suggestions in the past, so invite him to say what he does want), but he also needs to be understanding that what he said originally was hurtful and has understandably made you feel inadequate, as you said.

It sounds to me as though he is (or at least should be) more frustrated at his own inadequacies and is projecting them onto you if you're the one suggesting new things and he's the one saying no because he lacks confidence. He may very well be frustrated about his sex life but it's really unfair to make you feel inadequate when he's the one stopping things being more adventurous. I would be asking him why he feels this is your fault/responsibility when he's the one restricting what you do in bed.

Thank you for your replies.
we have tried to talk but it has ended up with me getting very angry and in tears because I am so hurt from his words and feeling so inadequate.
He said he wants blow jobs and me dressed up in sexy underwear which I do not want to do. He has an obsession with blow jobs, apparently wanting one all through his past long term relationship and not getting one. I have given him a few but to be honest I am really put off them by how much he goes on and on about them. He doesn’t get that excited about penetrative sex and I find it really really off putting, he mentions wanting his cock sucked pretty much daily, it’s like listening to a 17 year old boy talk not a man over 40!

Im not wanting to wear sexy underwear right now as I’m two stone heavier than I would like and am struggling with my self esteem. His hurtful comments obviously haven’t helped with that.

So, looking at the bigger picture here, honest communication between the pair of you needs work. He has sat on issues and they have all come out at once. Yes, it was hurtful what he said and he recognises that and is trying to move on.

Generally people only get what they want if they ask for it, or even provide a clue to the other person, who will not be a mind reader. However he does not seem to understand what he wants and what works for him, I suspect he is just going for what he thinks he would like.

Maybe you are not as compatible in bed as you thought but perhaps this is something you can work on gradually, but it will involve lots of communication and some compromises.

p.s. you do not need to be rail thin or raid Ann's Summers flimsiest collection to wear sexy underwear and make it look good. Plenty of alternative options out there.

If someone was aks

If someone was asking me for a BJ every day, then I wouldn’t want to do it either.

To be honest the two things he has suggested are what most men want tbh …

It just doesn't sound like you're sexually compatible OP. He's not into penetration - you are. You aren't into oral - he is.

I think I'd finish it tbh.

Not necessarily. My DP is honestly not arsed about blow-jobs, although he loves to go down on me. And neither is he obsessed with what I wear in bed. We have our own chemistry somehow.

Thing is, you can’t ‘unhear’ what he’s said really, can you?

I couldn’t anyway.

So basically he wants you to dress up and pleasure him while he does nothing?
Very hurtful and can't be unsaid. He doesn't like penetrative sex so it sounds like he prefers a rather passive role. I bet if you do the BJ you can wave goodby to sex as you like it.
Lose the 2 stone and dump him.
He has crossed a bridge especially as he texted you. DO you think he had just been watching porn?

You can’t really un hear comments like that can you ?
he didn’t handle great

libido is a funny one
I’ve definitely perked up late 40s
and I’ve lost weight which does help
but the thing is it’s for ME
so its for my enjoyment , but
also his benefits

so you either need to openly discuss

or you (for you !) embark upon some self care and feel sexier for YOU

but again is he worth it , and can he get past those comments which would play in anyones mind

I also agree that whilst losing weight might be good for you , you can feel sexy in other ways
but he has to help ! Ie not make shifty comments

It’s ok to ask for things sexually from your partner
it’s ok to say “no” to sexual requests from your partner
Its not ok to pressure / coerce someone into doing something they don’t want to do
it’s not ok to feel pressured into doing something you don’t want to do.

Leave him. His messages were nasty and manipulative. He acts like a teenage boy instead of a loving partner. You can't have an open conversation about sex without it ending in hurt tears.

This is only going to get worse. Cut your losses and end it now.

Sex in a relationship is the pinnacle of closeness. The physical declaration of your love, understanding, and trust of one another.

It just doesn't sound like you have this, and it's actually you trying to satisfy demands that he makes.

If you don't want to do it with him anymore, don't. To be honest, I don't think I'd be continuing a relationship with someone who viewed sex with me in this way. It's not respectful.