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Original poster

Is this rape?

41 replies

Gray23 · 20/05/2022 21:19

So several years ago, I was seeing a guy, mainly casual sex, we were both seeing other people. anyway we were just chilling one afternoon and a guy I met the night before started texting me. The guy I was with didn’t like it and threw my phone across the room. Of course I said what are you doing we had a little argument, but joked it off. Next thing he’s trying to have sex with me I say no repeatedly, I was not in the mood at this point but he continued and I just went ahead to get it over with. As soon as he finished he got up and left and I remember feeling upset. However, I continued to meet up with him and sleep with him for several months. Surely I wouldn’t if I thought I had been raped.?

anyway, several years later I find out he has gone to prison for rape. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel really, but I can’t eat or sleep, I’m so upset but just totally unsure how to feel.

OP posts:
ithinkidbetterleaverightnow · 20/05/2022 21:33

It's rape. I'm really sorry OP.Flowers

My first boyfriend had sex with me when I was asleep. I woke up and found he was inside me. I still carried on seeing him for about a year after it happened. It was years later that I realised what he did was wrong.

Talk to Rape Crisis or Samaritans, they'll listen.

TheFairyNamedMary · 20/05/2022 21:50

I was maybe 19 and a bf thought it was ok to insert his fingers inside me when I was half asleep. He assumed I was asleep, I didn’t stop him.. a few seconds went by and I “woke up” and he pulled them out and sat and watched tv, I asked what he was doing and he said oh nothing. I also stayed with him for a few weeks more but I actually hated him being near me. It’s sickening as it seems to happen a lot.

picklemewalnuts · 20/05/2022 21:58

Sorry, yes it is.

2Hot2Handle · 20/05/2022 22:22

There was a Hollyoaks storyline about this and I have to admit it opened my eyes to what is considered rape. If you were pressured into having sex when you didn’t want to, then yes, this counts as rape. I’m sorry this happened to you. Your feelings at the time and since were and are completely valid. Accepting this has happened to you, doesn’t mean that you’re saying it was acceptable. Consider counselling or a support group/line, if you feel you need, or want, to talk about this further.

Original poster
Gray23 · 20/05/2022 22:27

Thanks for replying.

I just can’t get over the fact he’s raped somebody else. He was never the type of person that accepts no for an answer but I didn’t think he was capable of this. I feel if I had realised and spoken up earlier would this have happened again.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 20/05/2022 22:34

Gray23 · 20/05/2022 22:27

Thanks for replying.

I just can’t get over the fact he’s raped somebody else. He was never the type of person that accepts no for an answer but I didn’t think he was capable of this. I feel if I had realised and spoken up earlier would this have happened again.

Don't do that to yourself Flowers

It wasn't your responsibility to stop him. And, depressing as it is, reporting him at the time probably wouldn't have resulted in a conviction anyway.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

picklemewalnuts · 20/05/2022 22:42

You can't blame yourself for his behaviour. He groomed you into accepting him as 'someone who doesn't take no for an answer'.

This is on him, not you. It's vanishingly unlikely you could have prevented his subsequent behaviour.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 20/05/2022 22:51

Sorry @Gray23, I agree with pp, you were raped and groomed into accepting what he wanted and staying with him afterwards.
Counselling is a good idea.
Him carrying on to attack someone else was never your fault, it was always his.

daretodenim · 20/05/2022 22:51

Sorry he raped you. Glad he's in jail.

100% not your fault he raped someone else. That's on him entirely.

sageandrosemary · 20/05/2022 22:59

I'd say so - what an awful experience for you. Please don't blame yourself for his later actions. Hugs. Flowers

allboysherebutme · 20/05/2022 22:59

I'm sorry id say it was and you should report it. X

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 20/05/2022 23:19

Gray23 · 20/05/2022 22:27

Thanks for replying.

I just can’t get over the fact he’s raped somebody else. He was never the type of person that accepts no for an answer but I didn’t think he was capable of this. I feel if I had realised and spoken up earlier would this have happened again.

OP this isn't your fault its his! You said no repeatedly and he ignored you thats rape. Please don't blame yourself for him doing it again rape or any sexual assault for that matter isn't as clear cut as people think. I think you should speak to Rape Crisis OP for advice and support but in the meantime please don't be hard on yourself I wouldn't be surprised if he had done it before he did it to you, coming forward is difficult, stressful and scary especially if you're unsure if you were assaulted and then there's the fear of not being believed and being judged. Maybe some counselling would also help, speak to your GP see if they can refer you. Is there a friend of family member you can talk to about this for some support as well? I'd definitely suggest that OP it may help you to feel stronger and decide what you will do Flowers

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 20/05/2022 23:40

This reply has been deleted

NITS + Victim blaming

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 20/05/2022 23:42

If you said no and he forced you into it then yes, it's rape.

Zemw · 21/05/2022 00:05

Sorry for what you went through OP.

Yes, it was rape. You said no several time (once would be enough) but he did it anyway.

BemoreDerek · 21/05/2022 04:54

I was raped as a teenager and didn't report it, a while later I found out he had done the same to two girls I knew, one before and one after me. I beat myself up for a long time about the girl after me wondering if I could have prevented it happening to her too if I had reported it, until a friend pointed out that I felt no such blame for the girl before me, who by my logic could have saved me if she'd reported him.

It doesn't work that way OP, no one is to blame for further victims except the rapist himself so please don't go down the road of taking responsibility for that on yourself, you have enough on your plate coming to terms with what happened to you Flowers

runnerblade95 · 21/05/2022 05:03

@Talkwhilstyouwalk

But what if you are pressured but still consent to it? Is that rape? It's a fine line.

This is exactly what happened to OP. So yes, it is rape.

Tamzo85 · 21/05/2022 05:11

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Tamzo85 · 21/05/2022 05:16

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TunaSalad · 21/05/2022 05:48

Anything less that enthusiastic consent is not consent.

If you have to badger someone and harass them by repeatedly asking them to have sex so they then feel they HAVE to have sex, that is rape.

TunaSalad · 21/05/2022 05:49

@Tamzo85

Try this video to help you understand.

Tamzo85 · 21/05/2022 06:13

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picklemewalnuts · 21/05/2022 06:24

@Tamzo85 consent which isn't freely given is not consent. Can you please debate the legal niceties somewhere else? OP needs support.

2Hot2Handle · 21/05/2022 06:54

@Talkwhilstyouwalk yes it’s still classed as rape now. I’m the Hollyoaks story, the guy went to jail, as he confessed, but essentially he kept pushing his girlfriend to have sex with him, even after she’d said she didn’t want to. Eventually she “gave in”, but that wasn’t true consent.

carefullycourageous · 21/05/2022 07:04

Yes, that was rape.

Really sorry this happened to you OP Flowers
You are not to blame for the actions of another person.
It is quite common for people to minimise rape when it happens, to try to explain it away, because it is traumatising when it happens. Your response was one of the normal responses to this situation. Do seek some support from a non-judgemental charity or counsellor.