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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How bad does this marriage sound?

12 replies

feelprettyawful · 12/01/2008 13:05

Have slept separately for 2 years. Can't stand bed sharing with him at all.

We have occasional sex but it's like scratching an itch.

We can speak to each other civil but I assume that's because we are both holding a lot back about what we think and feel (I am, anyway).

Feel profoundly I can't rely on him. Emotionally or physically.

Don't want to confide anything in him, especially not anything I feel emotionally vulnerable about.

I'm pregnant again and I honestly don't want him there for the birth. Trying to figure out how to arrange that without telling him in advance.

Being pregnant I'm probably over-sensitive. But every day he does something that leaves me in tears or feeling deliberately got at.

He struggles to deal with any emotional stuff; always has done.

Says he loves me -- I don't believe him.

I would be hurt if he had an affair, but would be pleased too because it might make him finally leave.

Very upset at the way he treats children. He can be great, but he shouts, has unrealistic expectations of them. I have to referee between him and DC a lot. He's good or okay for short infrequent periods.

I asked him to move out but he refused saying he'd miss us all too much. But then he seems to consistently resent the children and doing things for them.

I once suggested Relate but it would be pointless now because I wouldn't want to even try.

He's not abusive or bad with money or any of the truly awful things I know husbands can be. He's a hard-worker and does do some stuff around the house. But he's inconsistent, unreliable, unpredictable. Presumably I'm as bad at marriage as he is, am I blowing things out of proportion?

But for the DC I would have left long ago, but I have nowhere to go with them, and I am terrified of DC being hurt. I wish DH would just peacefully move out and visit infrequently, we could tell DC that he was moving part-time closer to work (long commute at present). And slowly let DC get used to the idea of us all living apart.

OP posts:
gininteacups · 12/01/2008 13:11

to be honest it sounds like mine did a few months ago (lasted about 18months this phase). I camr to the conclusion he either has aspergers or is somewhere on that spectrum (there is diagnosed autism in his family)

It got better when I started treating him like he was aspergers, read maxine aston book on rel's with those with aspergers and it gradually improved.

Not sure how helpul this is in your case, just wanted you to know Ihad read your post, you sound tired and angry and sad and I really feel for you

Wisteria · 12/01/2008 13:15

Sounds pretty grim to me and am for you, but if it's been this bad for so long why did you get pregnant?

Not getting at you with that comment but it sounds a bit of an odd thing to do.

Unless you are going to leave then I think some counselling may help. You say you can't leave so I don't think you have any choice but to try to resolve matters. If it's as bad as you say and you don't love him anymore, then why would you be hurt if he had an affair?

gininteacups · 12/01/2008 13:31

FPA Ihope you are OK don't be scared off posting, we aren't all perfect and plan things impeccably, stuff happens, like getting pregnant and you sound so lost and upset. keep taling here if it helps. x

Wisteria · 12/01/2008 13:34

Sorry - I didn't intend it to sound like that, am just trying to understand, maybe my post was a bit harsh

Please do keep posting though FPA, I'm interested because my relationship is not dissimilar so am wondering what I'm going to do as well........ I'm being pressured into having another child by my dp but am well aware that it is my issues preventing us having a good relationship, not his so am going for some counselling on my own.

RuthChan · 12/01/2008 13:36

I agree that it sounds like an awful situation to be in.
It sounds like you think the marriage is pretty much over, but you don't want to be the one to end it.
If you are going to stay together, then I agree that maybe counselling is a good idea. Maybe it would do you both good to hear each other's point of view. It certainly doesn't sound as though it could get any worse.
Of course being pregnant can make everything harder and worse than it normally would, but you sound like it would be bad in any case.

feelprettyawful · 12/01/2008 18:19

Pregnant because I'm an idiot, Wisteria. Thought you were going to ask 'Why did you marry him?' which has the same answer.
Don't they ask you when you go for counselling if you're really committed to making it work? I wouldn't be, I fear.
Guess I'd be hurt if he had an affair because it's still an overt rejection, isn't it?

OP posts:
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 12/01/2008 18:20

I think to deny him the chance to be at his child's birth is mean and unacceptable. I know you are unhappy but so is he.

millie865 · 12/01/2008 18:49

Hi Counselling can help you split up as well as help you if you are trying to stay together. Personally while I don't think anyone should stay together for the sake of the children if they are deeply unhappy I do think when I couple has children they should try to see if the relationship can be saved, including counselling, before making the decision to part.

Counselling may help you work through a way of being parents even if you are no longer partners. To be honest I think the idea that he will quietly move out and visit infrequently is a bit unrealistic - he is your children's father and they have a right to a relationship with him which means regular and frequent contact.
Good luck whatever you decide to do

Wisteria · 13/01/2008 18:53

Why not try some counselling just for yourself first - I am of the opinion that the issues I have at present are more to do with me than him tbh (and it's taken me a long time to admit that ).

Your situation is nothing like mine I know, I couldn't cope with what you've been coping with, am not patient or nice enough.

Just wondering how much of it has links to the amount of stress you've been under as opposed to the relationship between you. If you get your head round yourself first then it may help you sort through the other shit....
I'm trying it, because I don't want to fuck it all up again for my dcs .

Wisteria · 13/01/2008 18:55

Oh and I don't think you're an idiot for getting pg - it's daft obviously but I totally understand how it comes about...... you get the odd day or short period of time don't you when you think it's fine, everything will be ok and a baby sounds like a great idea, only to sink back down again...........

EzrasMummy · 13/01/2008 20:46

Hi I read your post and just to let you know that im thinking about you. I have no advice but Ill be watching for more advice from others as my husband sounds EXACTLY like yours. I hope he realises that this isnt the way things are supposed to be and i hope that he realises this before its too late.

feelprettyawful · 14/01/2008 11:31

Thanks for the replies, partic NAB for the reality check about the birth.
When I said DH could see the DC infrequently I meant maybe 2 weekday evenings plus longer spells on w/ends. I think he might actually enjoy being a dad on that basis.
I never thought I'd get myself into such a relationship mess.

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