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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This has been bothering me for a long time now, I just didn't realise how much ! What would you do ?

29 replies

FoghornLeghorn · 12/01/2008 12:55

We (DH & I) have an issue with SIL (DH's brothers wife) and vice versa. A situation arose last year, things turned ugly and we now don't speak. It isn't as one sided as me expaining my issues as I'm sure she has issues with us to, quite rightly so from her POV. SIL was also a very close friend for many years and this has been eating away at me, I think about the situation on a daily basis but just go round and round in circles and end up just making myself feeling more angry/sad !

Anyway, the reason I wanted some advice is this - we have a nephew and 2 nieces (with another on the way) from DH's brother and his wife, we haven't seen any of them since we had our falling out and I think they have seen our DD1 once maybe. Having been very close prior to our falling out we all saw each other and each others children maybe 3-4 times a week. Any family event that has arisen they have avoided, knowing we would be there and they have not allowed their children to go. DH & his brother have resolved their troubles and BIL has told DH that his wife wont allow the children to be at the same place as we are.

I don't know if it's because it's a new year, both of us are expecting new babies or maybe things have just gone on too long in my eyes but I want to say/do something about this. I want to explain that we love our nieces and nephew just as much as we always have, despite what has happened, and that we are sad that we have no relationship with the children anymore and that the cousins haven't seen each other in nearly 7 months. I want to say that if they want nothing to do with our children then as sad as that is, it's their decision but we would never want nothing to do with their children.
Trouble is SIL & I are both very stubborn, neither of us will change the situation between the adults, too much has happened, too many things were allowed to build up before the incident itself. I am not so stubborn that I have involved the children, I have never said we wont be at an event they are at etc but I feel certain she will be just as stubborn regarding the children.

I am thinking maybe I should write something brief, not go into any detail about the issues we obviously have with each other but explain our (DH & I) feelings regarding the children and that we would like to them again (and start building a relationship again) and that our DD's would love to see them again too. I am 99% sure this will get disregarded, it will either be completely ignored or we will receive a negative response.

Sorry I have waffled, and probably not articulated myself very well at all.

Basically if you thought you would either get ignored or a negative response would you bother ?

OP posts:

TheIceQueen · 12/01/2008 12:59

Yes I would - if you're both as stubborn as you say you are (and I suspect from your post you're not quite as stubborn as you think you are - otherwise you wouldn't even be considering trying to sort things out ) then it could be that your SIL is sat there thinking similar things.....that she would like to try and sort it out but is too stubborn to make the first move.

Obviously your letter could be ignored, or you could get a negative response......but would that make things any different from how they currently are? On the other hand you may be surprised and get a positive response - basically what I'm trying to say is that it sounds like you've really got nothing to lose

mumbear · 12/01/2008 13:01

If its bothering you this much then its gotta be worth a try. At least youve thrown the ball into her court. Perhaps though write the letter from the point of view that you miss both her and BIL not just the children.

Original poster

FoghornLeghorn · 12/01/2008 13:02

Oh I am very stubborn usually TheIceueen - in this instance particularly but through the many hours of thinking about all of this I have realised that although I was furiously angry with her in the first instance, I am now terribly hurt and upset.

I have known her for a long time a tbh, I doubt very much she is thinking the same - as far as she is concerned we no longer exist according to others.

But no, I don't suppose it could make the situation any worse than it already is

OP posts:

pinkteddy · 12/01/2008 13:06

yes you have got to try - it would be really sad for the kids to lose touch. I do really sympathise - I find it really difficult to get on with my SIL but I struggle on for the sake of my DNs. I love them very much and would hate not to have a relationship with them. As the ice queen says you have nothing to lose.

AbbeyA · 12/01/2008 13:06

I would write, life is too short for that sort of disagreement in families. When all the children are adults will they be able to look back and see that the argument was worth no knowing their cousins?

TheIceQueen · 12/01/2008 13:06

"according to others" as far as she's concerned you don't exist........or is that her stubborn streak not wanting to show people that she's bothered??

bossybritches · 12/01/2008 13:09

Someone has to mame the first move FL & good for you for trying- family rows are horrible & can fester over generations if allowed -I know, we have one.

Luckily our generation has kept in touch, not as close as when we were all small but enough that when the warring factions (my Dad & his DS) pass on we will all keep talking & keep up a realtionship, but it has been hard.

You can but try & if your DH & his brother have made it up then you are right the two SIL's need to acknowledge that for them. It's a shame that family do's are avoided, so even if it's never the same again (& it can't be really) at least if you can be civil for the sake of the kids & the DH's that's something!

Good luck !!

Original poster

FoghornLeghorn · 12/01/2008 13:13

Bossybritches - I have said from the off that I am prepared to be civil for the sake of not making others feel uncomfortable and I would do whatever DH asked of me bearing in mind it is his family but SIL don't share the same mentality. She can only see that she has been wronged and anything else is irrelevant, she couldn't be civil for the sake of her DH which is why they wont attend family events.
Their DD2 had a birthday party in October to which our DD's weren't invited - our DD's had birthdays in July & November to which their 3 children were invited to both, we received no response to the invites, they just didn't show.

OP posts:

Original poster

FoghornLeghorn · 12/01/2008 13:15

TheIceQueen - I don't know the answer to that !
To be honest, after everything I don't think I particularly want the situation to change between us - I feel so hurt that our friendship could just be disregarded like it was that I really don't think I want the situation between SIL & I to change.

OP posts:

pinkteddy · 12/01/2008 13:15

Could your DH and BIL's Mum (assuming it is one and the same) mediate at all? How are relationships there? Or anyone else in the family?

Original poster

FoghornLeghorn · 12/01/2008 13:19

Pinkteddy - everyone else is keeping well and truly out of it all, which is fair enough. DH & BIL have 2 other brothers and their mum (their dad passed away 7 years ago)and they all continue to have the same relationship with us all that we did before. Although I'm sure they do feel akward when it's their children's birthday's and 1 of their brothers isn't there with his children

OP posts:

pinkteddy · 12/01/2008 13:23

well try the letter then and maybe they might be more willing to get involved if you have tried and she resists? Whichever way definitely worth a go. Good luck -let us know how you get on .

Original poster

FoghornLeghorn · 12/01/2008 13:25

TBH Pinkteddy, I don't really want anyone else to get involved. This is our battle and there is no need for other relationships to fail because of it. I'm sure the other members of DH's family have opinions on it all though.

Next Step - What the hell do I write ?

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 12/01/2008 13:40

I think I would just phone her there may be a few awkward silences or some tears or shouting or whatever but the bottom line if you were all close and life is too short to not make up. Just ring her and be honest ok so you will be laying your heart on the line but sometimes isn't that what life is about and showing people you care?

Original poster

FoghornLeghorn · 12/01/2008 13:40

Has anyone got any suggestions with what to write ?

I really don't think I want to mention our situation at all or maybe to just 'aside of our situation .....', nothing more.
I am shite at expressing myself !

OP posts:

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 12/01/2008 13:42

I think you would have to try.

Apologise for anything that was said. Say how much you miss her and the children, and that your children miss hers and ask if things can start again.

Good luck.

Original poster

FoghornLeghorn · 12/01/2008 13:42

X post LMG - That is definitely not going to happen, like I say, I don't really want to acknowledge the situation between us. If I did this over the phone I would either get hung up on or a barrage of abuse. TBH, I don't think eitherof us need an unexpected phone call or what it might bring considering she is 6 months pregnant and I am 3 months pregnant

OP posts:

pinkteddy · 12/01/2008 13:46

Say whatever the differences between you, you don't think its right that your children don't have a relationship. You love and miss them very much and so do your children. You would very much hope that you can agree to disagree and that your children could begin to meet again on family occasions. Draft something and people can comment - easier that way. HTH

AbbeyA · 12/01/2008 13:49

I would write, much easier to do than phoning. I would say that cousins are a very close relationship and that an argument is not worth cutting off the contact; in later years all these children are quite likely to blame the adults and may well not understand what all the fuss was about.

warthog · 12/01/2008 14:37

i would write a little note saying that you miss her kids terribly, and it would be nice to see them again.

Lauriefairycake · 12/01/2008 14:48

Ok, your response it to chew things over to death and go round and round in your head.

Her response is to blot you all out and pretend you don't exist.

Neither are right or wrong - they are just your individual responses to stress.

If you can send a letter saying you would like the children to play together and then get over it emotionally and not chew it round in your head when she sticks to her response with the way she does things then that's fine.

I suspect you might become even more pissed off with her ?? and hurt at the lack of acknowledgement ? And if so you're not honestly doing it just for the children right?

I haven't spoken to my mother in twelve years (actually she's not spoken to me either) - this Christmas she was staying with my sister so I sent her a Christmas card and a small present - I had no acknowledgement, not a word even when I phoned to talk to my sister. I didn't expect an acknowledgement knowing how she is so I sent it knowing that I may not get a response. All it said to me is that she's not in the same place emotionally and she couldn't respond. It's sad but I had no emotion really invested in the outcome.

It sounds like you have emotion invested in the outcome and that you'll have a lot to recover from if she doesn't respond - I hope whatever you decide you're not harsh with yourself

Original poster

FoghornLeghorn · 12/01/2008 17:37

You are quite right Laurie. Maybe I'm not doing the right thing ?!? I should speak to DH

OP posts:

Original poster

FoghornLeghorn · 12/01/2008 18:36

Well have just put it to DH in a very brief moment and his response was ....

Lovely as it is of you to think of doing it, I don't want to. We haven't made the situation what it is, we have invited their kids to our kids parties, we have never left them out, we have never refused to be in their company - yet they have done all of these things. I don't see why we should hold out an olive branch when they have clearly shown already they want nothing more to do with us and our kids.

S'pose there's my answer !

OP posts:

petunia · 12/01/2008 18:56

I would take your DH's line on this (and it's nice that he understands what you're trying to do here). The fact that you invited your nieces and nephews to your children's parties and got no response, says an awful lot. You already offered an olive branch then. I'd leave it now.

warthog · 12/01/2008 19:01

yes, i'd go with your dh on this. she sounds like a bit of a nutter tbh

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