I'm done with trusting

[nswiha]

First relationship: He left me after 6 years, For someone else.

Second relationship: He left after 20 years, for a just turned 17 year old, He was 45..

Been single ever since, So about 4 ish years. Happy enough, Not lonely or feeling like I'm missing out on anything, But, Being honest I'm missing the sex side of things. I suppose you could say I would be happy to meet someone but not looking.

I chat to a few people online, Most fizzle out, Which is fine, a few I keep in contact with as just friends, Which is also fine, I did however meet a guy I was interested in and it seemed he felt the same. We live around an hour away from each other, Have met up in person lots and gone out for food/drinks/comedy shows/etc. We spend quite a lot of time talking online/over the phone as well. Started actually dating around 7 months ago. He has stayed over at my place and me at his.

As well as normal conversations we have also spoken about sex, What we are both into and what we are not, etc, Just generally. We are into a lot of the same things so I was thinking we were a good match overall.

7 Months in he gave me his email address so I could email something to him. He then started showing up as someone I might know on various things, Different name to what I know him as, Know it's him though because he has a certain username he uses relating to something he is into, and all other details such as age match.

On a whim I decided to simply put his email address into google search. First thing that came up was his adult work profile where he has left 'reviews' of Escorts, Going back years. He also pays for cams almost daily. Various 'Meet up for sex in certain location' websites advertising escorts, also with reviews. twitter account full of tweets about certain fetishes he has. tweeting woman (mistresses as he puts it) daily. Fab swingers. the lot.

Did I mention he's also married with two kids?

There were zero signs to any of this. No sign of him being married when I stayed at his etc.

Anyone else sick and tired of either being hurt/lied to or just having their time wasted that have managed to find a happy life being single? I'm at a point in my life where I just can't be bothered anymore.

Oh my god.
That is terrible.
I'm so sorry he wasted your time like this. And was a lying weirdo.
Quite scary really how good he was at pretending to be someone else.

The 45YO going after a 17YO is vile. How did they meet?

I know. I have no idea how they met, I found out after he left. He lied to me saying he was leaving me because he had depression, Once he had gone I found out from someone who used to know us when we had been together.

Oh God, I wish I believed in a special hell

OP that is a lot. No wonder you are out of trust. Scumbags, the bunch of them.

I'm missing the point completely, but I'm slightly alarmed by how much info you found on one person from a Google search on their email address.

Yeah, a friend of mine was in the relationship with the perfect guy. Devoted to her, did everything together, so many shared interests, pretty much the perfect couple. He was kind, sensitive, gentle, thoughtful, strong moral conscious. One of life’s really decent good guys. Turned out he’d spent most of their relationship having long term affairs with other women behind her back. She, like everyone else, had absolutely no idea.
I thought ‘shit. If this guy can be like that, ANY guy can be like that.’

I hear you. It's SO shit.

I literally don't think I'll be able to trust anyone ever again!

Age 34 past 2 relationships multiple cheating episodes.

Its shocking how much info you found.
I will never ever trust again so your not alone

My thoughts too 🤔

I don't mean all his personal real accounts came up in the search. Just the dodgy sites with his fake online name. All the dodgy stuff he is doing is all on websites where his profiles are set to public, He is clearly using a second email for all his real stuff online

Yes I am with you. I work in a a corporate environment and with a very small exception everyone is cheating or trying too. I’m single so get hit on by the married guys at every single work event (I’m nothing particularly special to look at) it’s grim out there

What was his home like? Surely you would see if other people were living there?

Are you saying that if you type someone's email address in a Google search it will show their username and then you go onto the website and search for the username and it's all there?

The whole situation is crazy. People you never imagine would do these things, are doing these things. I can't understand it, only to say that they must be capable of compartmentalizing their lives so well that they can never give any signs away.
Why don't they feel guilt?!
OP, you went to his house and there was no sign of a female living there?! How did he manage that? Was she away and he put all her stuff away in a cupboard?

And yet when I worked in similar environment thirty years ago, if anyone was having an affair it was a shock and source of office gossip, it was that unusual. I was only ever hit on once at work, yet I worked in that environment for years and I was single and attractive.
What has changed so much in such a short time?! I get worried for young women today.

When I started out as a teenager young relatively hot 23 year old it wasn’t as bad, the old sleaze but nothing terrible, but this isn’t just the men, the women are the same. Hard to say what’s changed? Getting paid too much and thinking you can have what you want? Addicted to adrenaline? The reality of a long term relationship? Probably a combination but it’s made me very cynical

I know exactly what you mean.
I haven't had quite so awful experiences as you, but just one bad egg was enough for me. The lies.. It just really makes you unable to fully trust. My dp is wonderful, we've been together 2 years and I love him to bits, but I don't fully trust him. He knows and (seemingly) accepts this, because he knows what I've been through. But I hate it. I hate that I'll never have that complete trust again.

l think you have to trust yourself, to go really slow and to be very observant in the first few months of dating, some men love to fast forward , that is a red flag. Always go on actions, not words. Some people, ( not suggesting you OP ) build up a false image in their mind of who they believe the other person to be, and then further on down the line it all unravels. If you have strong boundaries in place and try to see them for who they really are, rather than who you want them to be, you may feel abit more confident about dating again, because there are some decent men out there, just very well hidden amongst the not so decent.

God op the things you've found are horrid aren't they. I hear you though, I honestly don't think I could ever trust again. Cheated on in previous relationships then 15 year Marriage ended because of his behaviour and what a surprise, new woman in less than a month. Like the cheating bastard thought I was born yesterday. Online dating for 2 years and have had enough. Enough of being ghosted and used for sex. I'm retraining this year and most of next I've Decided so I can keep myself busy in the evenings studying and what not ,so hopefully men won't be on my mind .

You can't trust most men.

Out of all the men I've met, 99% of blokes would sleep with another woman. They're like dogs, can't say no to a bone

It's grim out there ☹️