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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Stuggling

10 replies

whymewhyme · 20/05/2022 16:23

Ive posted about this before...Today is a bad day, had sti retest today becuse the last one was inconclusive and it's set me right back, the shame,indignity and embarrassment of it all. I've not stopped crying all afternoon.
The way he's treated me since i found out is nothing short of cruel.

He went mental at the weekend because i contacted her husband( didnt give details) her husband ( supposedly seperate) didn't even msg back but my arsehole was enraged,in 16 yrs hes never shouted at me like that. We havnt even had a row about all this shit cuz he won't talk to me about it, he then deleted whatsapp the next day.
Ive asked him for 1 week break beacuse his treatment of me has been so appalling and the shouting was a step too far. They are clearly together and it hurts like hell!!!! When will it stop?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 20/05/2022 16:27

Are you still with him? You need longer than a weeks break

whymewhyme · 20/05/2022 17:48

Oh no not with him, he doesn't want me and even if he did then i wouldn't even consider it. His behavior since he went 3 weeks ago has been horrible towards me. I asked for the bread for that reason.

OP posts:
Sofacouchboredom · 20/05/2022 18:26

Little bit confused what do you need a 'break' from if you're not together and he's with her?

whymewhyme · 20/05/2022 18:52

I need a break from seeing him when he collects dc, he's been absolutely vile. Anyone would think i was the guilty party by how he's treating me. I'm not 100% sure if he is with her because he won't tell me but I'm guessing he is.

OP posts:
Sofacouchboredom · 20/05/2022 19:06

Ahh I get you. Tbh you don't just need a week. You need space, proper space.

You've been so caught up in their drama. You need space to see clearly for yourself. To get some clarity.

He is upset with you because he's completely entrenched in his affair. He's high on what that is providing for him, and you've put that in jeopardy by contacting her husband.

Please PLEASE stop questioning what they're doing. That's where craziness lies.

Concentrate on you. Create your new family dynamic. Throw yourself into creating some new firsts.

I know you've read chump lady. What you're doing is still fighting for him. Even in a kind of negative way you're still doing some kind of crazy making pick-me dance. Not being critical, I did exactly the same thing, I speak from experience!

The best thing you can do is stay away from their drama, stop being a bit part in their nonsense. Reclaim your world. Your focus on them is keeping their drama triangle alive.

Surviving infidelity is a great forum, go and look at the stories on their just found out thread, you'll read some really wise posters. If you were to post there you'd get lots and lots of support.

It does get better, I promise it does get better but you will need to really gather your courage to cut ties with this idiot! Flowers

frozendaisy · 20/05/2022 19:08

Ok OP take a deep breath.
So STI retests done. Not great but not your fault. The medics at the clinic see the worse of sexual activity a wronged faithful partner is nothing to be ashamed of. Be strong, proud you put your health first.

So he's gone. Which is good.

So DC puck up collection, can you calmly think of a non-contact arrangement? Family member with you to escort DC to and from him? You stand at door to see they get inhis car? He doesn't get out?

Breathe. Relax. He has gone, it will get better.

whymewhyme · 20/05/2022 20:01

Thank you for the replies, it does me good to read your replies.

Contact kicks back in on Tuesday, dreading it. I will continue to grey rock him.

OP posts:
Sofacouchboredom · 20/05/2022 20:12

'Contact kicks back in on Tuesday, dreading it. I will continue to grey rock him.'

This is good! You need to give him nothing of yourself. I know you love him and you're so blindsided by this new version standing in front of you, (I'm sure it feels like your husband has been possessed) but you need to grey rock.

Kids and finances.

And do t forget 'not my monkeys, not my circus' when it comes to this pair of nasty lying cheats!

You matter @whymewhyme! You're not background noise.

I promise you can do this! I do know the need to hear other voices. Surviving infidelity is great for that. Please check it out! I promise there are some incredible, insightful, kind posters on there who will help you!

whymewhyme · 21/05/2022 05:50

I will check out the surviving site.

It realy does feel like he's a stangers and tbh I don't even get upset about them dtd or the whole fling, it's how he's treated me since I found out, just awfull. 16yrs ment nothing at all, we were best friends first. Ah well.

I wish i knew if they were together I really do but theres no way of finding out at all, i keep finding myself wondering constantly of they are together and what they could be doing....unhealthy i know.

I really miss my old life and I'm grieving the loss of my future with him. we were ttc for 12 months after a mc and that oppertunity for baby no 2 has gone and it's very painfull, theres pregnant woman or babies everywhere!!! I've got a call off the mental health nurse on monday, I'm going to ask for councilling.

A friend of mine has signed me up to tinder...way too soon 😑 been inundated with msgs and I've logged out.

My athma has gone through the roof and I've lost over 1stone in 3 weeks. I feel and look like shit all while he's totaly fine.

How can anybody be fine who's lied and cheated and walked away from 16yrs together, living at his dads with only her ...but i guess that's why.

Is grey rock the right thing to do i just feel like he's not botheres by it at all..

OP posts:
something2say · 21/05/2022 09:03

Hello xx Sorry you're struggling, but you sound a bit better from your latest replies.

I think you just need space to sort this through. You've said a few really important things, like about the baby. The shock and loss and grief on top of that.

What I think you need right now is space to process it. So guard your space and have a plan for contact pick ups that YOU enforce. X

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