So tired of it all

[Sewingfanatic]

I read this today “I have always thought that if there was a big corkboard and on that board was a pin for every person who ever lived, there would be no pin for me.”
That describes how I think about myself. I don't exist as a person, just as a cipher for others.

Since I was a child I have always done what I think other people want me to do.
It's as though I have no will of my own, as though I am not an individual with my own likes, dislikes, needs etc.
I get so anxious about disappointing people, getting disapproval or
making people angry.
I've rarely made a choice about anything, I generally just take what I'm given.

Ive never worked in job that I wanted to do, it has always been a job that other people think is suitable or else I've been so happy that someone actually wants me that I accept even though it's not something I really want.

I never choose what to watch on tv,
I never choose where to go when I go out with OH, never chose what to eat. I stopped making suggestions because they were ignored.

Sometimes I wonder if OH is controlling or domineering, but then I think that he's no different to almost everyone else in my life, the majority of people are controlling, I don''t know how to take control myself.
I'm always too scared to ask for what I want.
I'm supersensitive to people's facial expressions and tone of voice and if I sense any disappointment or disapproval or disagreement I backdown.
I know mumsnetters will be thinking "just put your big girl knickers on, get some backbone and just do it", but somehow I just can't. I feel so beaten down, so tired. I spend most of my time asleep to escape from it all.

It sounds like you could be depressed; some counselling would help. Maybe start by making some choices and learning about yourself - you’re allowed to have your own preferences

I grew up n a similar way, can't remember ever being asked what I wanted about anything. I would suggest counselling if you can afford it. If you can't look for assertiveness videos on youtube and tedtalks.
Don't tell anyone what you are doing. It's like lighting a tiny flame for yourself and shielding it from others because they'll blow it out even if they don't mean to. Get on the counselling waiting list at doctors, tell them you're suicidal otherwise they don't listen much. Anti depressants , they will offer you those, may well take the edge off while you are waiting. They also take at least 3 weeks to kick in and you may feel worse before you feel better. There's also a hundred different kinds so if they're not helping go back and ask for different ones.

I can relate to a lot of that.

You are obviously very self aware so that's great.

Can you think of some tiny steps to start taking control of your life that don't feel overwhelming or fill you with dread?

Start off small.

I can totally relate to everything you've said.

I feel I have drifted through life, like a leaf being blown about on the wind. Everyone else I knew seemed to set their minds on what they wanted to do in life, be it career, relationships, family, lifestyle - I had no idea what I wanted to do or how I wanted to live life. Things seemed to happen to me rather than me choosing, and I have similarly felt so scared about upsetting people and asserting myself. Again, I am extremely sensitive to people's moods.

I was depressed and anxious for years. I have recently started counselling and I have now realised that a lot of it stems from being raised by critical, authoritarian parents. They didn't see me as a person in my own right - if I ever expressed myself or my needs as a child they got angry, upset or ignored me. I soon learnt to suppress all my needs and who I was. I am now trying to work out who I am, what I want, and how to assert myself!

It's not easy though.

I feel exactly like this too - too scared to upset or say no to anyone incase they get angry and bitter and do something to me. I was literally scared to tell guys I had a boyfriend. It's no way to live.

This. My life story!

I honestly think some counselling or therapy is needed. We can't always just fix ourselves.

You know this isn't normal and I can feel a lot of buried anger in your post. I think it's up to you whether you use that anger or go on as you are.

I really relate to this @Sewingfanatic I feel that I've reached the age of 45 and have never taken a major decision, I've just dealt with whatever has come my way in life. I too back down immediately if I feel what I've said isn't being received very well, and always assume my opinions on everything must automatically be wrong if someone has the opposing view. It's exhausting, but at the same time easy to give in. Please contact your GP and see if you can be referred to a counselling service. I was referred to MIND around this time last year, never thinking I would be eligible, or that my problems were even at all serious, but I was given six sessions and it really helped. You can get out of this mindset if you really want to x

Why did you start being like this as a kid?

I was like you too; I'm not now. There are ways out, don't worry. The good thing is that you've opened the subject. Big step, right there, and you've taken it instinctively because you've had enough. That means that the 'real' you, the 'you' that does what you want, is still alive and kicking, however much you try to shut her up in favour of others' wishes.