What do you do when there’s no action?? I actually don’t know what to do now

[Plouyr]

So me and DP sold our place literally a week before finding out I was pregnant. The plan had been to rent for a while so we looked for somewhere at leisure to move to. In the meantime we opted for a tiny studio, so we could maximise savings.

After finding out about being pregnant I obviously said to DP we need somewhere settled to be. He agreed and said let’s rent somewhere bigger so we don’t rush a purchase and maybe look in a year or so to buy. I agreed. However….its been painful trying to get anywhere sorted! I’ve been the one calling agents, booking viewings etc and he’s either been too busy to turn up or just criticised every place we’ve looked at. He seems content with the studio…I am less so as so much of my stuff is in storage!! It’s not a financial issue either … we could move easily at any point.

At first I was calm about it and I know he can be slow to get round to things so I just let it slide but as the weeks/months have gone on, at 5 months pregnant I’m starting to feel quite stressed. I’m also travelling an hour to midwife appointments as I registered in my home town when we found out as we’d sold our house and left that immediate area.

Ive had rows with DP about it and it’s got to the point where I want to take my family up on their offer to let me stay in their buy to let. I desperately need some space and to be closer to midwife etc rather than feeling so in limbo in this tiny studio. DP seems to understand this yet when I ask him about a date to move there for a bit while we continue to look for something suitable to rent for us, nothing actually gets sorted. Weeks pass and I feel like I can’t leave as we’ve not agreed it, yet he’s still not booked viewings etc so no end is in sight here either!

I probably sound bratty but I’m literally living out of a carrier bag by the side of the bed. Can’t invite friends round or eat separately to the bed. I want to just take my bag and go to the buy to let for some space but he gets very upset and begs me not to…yet the weeks continue and still in a studio. He says he will sort it ASAP, that he hasn’t had time because of work…list is endless. I don’t have it in me to be his PA anymore and the last place I booked, viewed and was happy with, he couldn’t make the viewing (I did everything to make sure he could) and therefore we couldn’t go for it. I’m exhausted and fed up. When I say this, he suddenly jumps into action and tells me he will get onto it…and doesn’t.

It’s true he’s busy at work but I’ve tried picking up the admin side of things and doing it myself, that doesn’t work either as he understandably wants to view himself. And so another week passes.

Go to the buy to let this weekend. He’s not moving anything forward so he doesn’t have a right to beg you not to go, that’s just utterly selfish.

You don’t need his permission to go there! You’ve waited weeks, done all the legwork, told him how you feel again and again and he’s still not doing anything. You are pregnant and should be somewhere you feel comfortable and you have a place just waiting for you, it’s a total no-brainer.

Is he being supportive of your pregnancy in other ways? Is it possible he is burying his head in the sand about becoming a father?

Go to the buy to let. This is not suitable accommodation for you at this time; don't be a martyr.

Go to the buy to let on your own; you are an adult with agency and you do not need his permission.

I would seriously also consider giving this child your surname rather than his going forward.

@PriestessofPing yes he has been supportive in the sense that he cooks each night, had emptied bins and cleaned and made sure food is in that I like.

i just wake up everyday feeling so miserable. It’s awful, can’t really do much here at all. The buy to let is hardly glamorous but it’s got space and rooms and I genuinely feel like I can’t cope with taking on the estate agent journey anymore. I’ve said to him he should do it as it’s him who has a busier diary whereas work are flexible for me to fit in with viewings. He agrees with this.,..then the week goes by and nothing happens. It’s so so annoying and stressful. I can’t win no matter what I do!

this morning he was begging me not to go. I did say I could do with a week away so maybe I will do that and he seemed positive about that…maybe that’s the answer, if I actually go it gives him some time to sort something and I also get a week away.

problem is… once I leave I know I won’t come back to the studio. I honestly feel mentally impacted in a bad way by the living conditions and prolonged uncertainty.

Sounds horrible OP, and sounds like your partner doesn't really comprehend how it's impacting on you mentally. I would go to the buy to let asap, this situation isn't good for your mental health. And I would tell him he can join you there at any time but that you're not going back to the studio.

It’s hard to understand why he’s being so inactive since you’ve made it so clear to him and he’s being supportive in other ways. The only thing I can think of is he is just not taking seriously how much this is impacting you. I think perhaps now it is time to let your actions speak because clearly your words have not gotten through.

I think you need to put yourself first and ignore him begging you not to go or thinking you might just go for a week, and literally get him to help you move all you will need to stay at the buy to let for the foreseeable. I’m not sure how else you are going to get through to him, and if he thinks you are only going for a week he may well turn it round on you next weekend asking when you were coming back to the studio and how you’d said it was just a week.

You have to do what’s right for you at this stage and for your baby, this amount of stress is not helpful to you or baby.

Thanks. I’m finding it so hard as I don’t want to cause upset but equally I’ve not had dinner outside of a bed now for 3 months!

They sound like small things but they massively impact my wellbeing.

I just wish he would appreciate that I’m finding it very very hard. He seems to acknowledge it, tell me over and over that it will change.. then nothing!

You're going to be a mum. You need to take matters into your own hands because the dad sounds a useless lump. Stop pussy footing around him. He knows your pregnant and doing sweet FA to make a home for his family. Move to the Buy to Let and just stay there until he decides to move his lazy arse and help find somewhere. You'll need somewhere settled by the time the baby comes.

@TeeBee what’s so hard is that it gets to the point where I wonder if im being unreasonable/a little princess!

i feel like I’ve been so patient. Ive done so much to try and sort things out and now I’m fed up and exhausted and can’t stand this bloody place anymore. He looks so hurt and sad when I say I want to leave and it makes me feel terrible.

No, you're not. You need somewhere set up and settled. Soon you won't have any energy to be chasing round trying to find somewhere to live. You've given him numerous chances. Presumably he's not too thick to see what needs doing...he's just being inactive. You need to look after yourself and your baby now. This would seriously impact my view of my partner to be honest. Useless when you need them most. Stop engaging with him now. Pack up and move; and stop bending to his begging. He's not bending to yours, is he? Hopefully something might click in his brain when he realises you're serious. If not, you're settled and ready for the baby. You CANNOT live out of a bloody bag. That's just ridiculous when it's unnecessary.

He might look hurt and sad when you say you want to leave, but where is this sadness and concern when you’re clearly telling him how stressed and unhappy you are? If he nods and says he understands and agrees with you, then does nothing, he is giving you contradictory messages. So what’s the truth? Does he give a shit about your well-being or is he more concerned with keeping the status quo? My rule in these cases in my life is always if someone is saying one thing but acting differently, take the action as the truth (and inaction is an action in this case) - because words are easy to say, but without backing them up with action they are essentially just air coming out of someone’s mouth.

I think you need to get angry now. He’s happily seeing you on your knees with stress yet pulls a puppy dog sad face when you try to do something about it? Which keeps you in the situation as he sees you feel bad. That’s not a kind and loving thing to do. Sorry to be so blunt but you’re trying everything possible and he’s getting his way by literally being an ostrich and then giving sad face to you. While you are carrying his baby and are coming into the last trimester and should be somewhere you feel comfortable and relaxed.

He really doesn't even have any intention of moving out of the studio, and never did. You need to be honest and say you are leaving the studio and are not coming back.

I would say to him that your marriage is at stake if he doesn't organise a home within a week.

Is it normal in your relationship for him to disregard / ignore your feelings and for you to be the one to fix everything?

If that’s the case, you have bigger issues to worry about once you become parents.

I would make it very clear you’re moving out, not just going away for a week.