Starting to feel guilty re abusive ex

[st1cky]

Left ex last year and took our young children.

I'm feeling like maybe he wasn't that bad, wasn't that abusive, I'm being too horrible, and I need some perspective.

We're going through family court at the moment because he wants more access to our child and applied. He does see child but it's supervised (which was suggested by social services after the police referred to them - standard procedure - following a incident that happened the day I left where ex assaulted me and was rough with child).

These are the things ex would do:

• push and shove me on occasion

• threaten me with physical violence: "I'll fucking knock you out/slap you" etc., "try me"

• punch up/destroy items (often of mine) during a rage in front of me, sometimes to the point his knuckles bled

• after this behaviour would tell me it was all my fault as I push his buttons

• watch me on cctv cameras while at work that I asked him to remove

• if he was angry with me in the car and he was driving he would speed/brake check/drive at over 100mph with children in car to frighten me, if I lent down to get a handbag he would slam on the brakes so my head hit dash etc

• convince me to quit job to care for children and then tell me I was a burden and a loser

• was sexually coercive and on one occasion had sex with me when I said no throughout crying

Anyway, as time has gone by and the horrific family court stress has ramped up I feel almost like I should just forget it and that it wasn't abusive? I feel guilty that I called the police. I feel like a fraud as he didn't beat me black and blue?

I'm going to have to give evidence in court at a fact finding hearing as he denies everything that I've raised as safeguarding issues to the court point blank (tbh I think he's a narcissist and believes his own lies). I've provided a lot of evidence so far, including police disclosure, but will have to give evidence in court.

He is alleging to the court that I am a lunatic essentially (utter rubbish and disproved already by my doctor).

It's all incredibly stressful. I guess I want to feel like I'm doing the right thing.

He is using the court deliberately here to make you further squirm as a means of punishing you for leaving him. He has messed with your boundaries so much here that you may well be trauma bonded. And you absolutely did the right thing in leaving him; he would most likely have put you in hospital or the morgue.

You are absolutely doing the right thing here in challenging his assertions purely based on wanting power and control here in court. Where is your support; how useful has CAFCASS and Social Services been?. Have you reached out to Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations?.

Read back what you have written, that is abuse.

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat that's really helpful.

Cafcass have been good so far, they wrote about the effects of DA on children in their safeguarding letter and recommended the fact finding hearing because he disputes that he's an abuser basically. So I felt they had given it some weight and not ignored it which is good.

Yes I was in touch with WA since about 3 months before leaving him, I've got letters from them detailing the support I've received and when, as I reckon he's gonna say I'm making it all up. I still have support from them I'm doing a group Freedom at the mo and one of the support workers may be able to come with me to court.

In terms of other support I have very very little, and also lots of other personal problems going on so it's a bit stressful right now and maybe that's why I'm questioning myself?

Don't feel a shred of guilt about this arsehole. Similar traits to my ex.
Luckily for me he had no interest in the children so I didn't have to fight him in court.( He didn't want to waste valuable beer money on court costs)

It's just the anxiety talking.

Thanks @Georgeskitchen I think mine would be the same as yours if he didn't have the bank of enabling, pushy mum to rely on

Yeah it could well be anxiety

Honestly it's horrible, I just wish it were easier and I could guarantee safety for us

Just bumping my own thread, I'm awaiting a new pack of lies in response to my witness statements so feeling super anxious and would appreciate a hand hold

Do NOT question yourself.
He was violent, he was abusive. SS wouldn’t insist on supervised access unless they thought it was absolutely essential. From what you’ve written I wouldn’t leave him alone with my dog —- and she’s got sharp teeth.
He will duck and swerve to mess with your head, they all do it. My exh was sweetness and light at work, told me younger staff came to him for a chat when they had problems,….. then he’d come home, shout abuse at me, get drunk, threaten to rape me. They are first class at manipulation.
You have done everything right, you’re keeping yourself and your children safe. Stay strong —- his abuse would not have got “nicer” , in my experience it gets nastier and nastier.

Not much makes me tear up...but your post did. No one should have to do through that. Stay strong.