Parent guilt

[3459870H]

I need some perspective on whether I am being unreasonable.
All my adult life I have lived near to my parents and they were amazing when my family were young, helping with childcare while I worked and being there for me when I got divorced.
We have always been close.
When my marriage broke up 8 years ago I decided I wanted to move and make a fresh start (not miles away but just think away from gossips of small close knit community)
To cut a long story short whilst my house was on the market my dad died suddenly and I felt I could no longer move and leave my mum, so I took it off the market and stayed.
8 years on I find myself trapped.
My mum is 93 and getting more and more frail. I work full time hours over 4 days to allow me one day off in the week to do her shopping, take her to dr appointments (of which there are many!) etc.
I have been seeing a new partner for the last couple of years and I want to spend some more time with him. We often go away for weekends or I stay at his. The rest of the week I see my mum daily after 10 hour shifts and do all I can for her.
I have 3 brothers, one lives abroad and makes a royal visit once a year, one lives an hour and a half away and visits approx once a month and does all the maintenance type jobs for her. The other currently lives with her after his marriage broke up but he is pretty useless and has no patience with her. Being the only daughter she wants me to deal with all medical appointments and all her finances, correspondence etc.
she still goes out when I’m at work to church and other local community events about 3-4 times a week.
My partner and I have planned weekend’s away for the next couple of weekends and when I told my mum last night she pulled a face and made me feel guilty again for being away, particularly over the jubilee weekend.
She is always doing this but if I challenge her she denies it and says she doesn’t mean it but I know her so well and I know she does!
I am exhausted and stressed feeling constantly pulled in every direction.
My mum is lovely and I know she won’t be with us forever but I’m 56 and I also feel like now my children have grown up and are more independent I want a life too!
AIBU or should I just sacrifice the next few years to my mum and hope my partner is happy to wait until I’m freer to have a better life with him?
anyone got any experiences like this?

You’re not unreasonable at all. My mother is like this; basically requires help, expects me to do it, but won’t acknowledge the help, or that fact she needs it. So I feel put on and like it’s a pretty thankless task (which it is!).

Rope one of your brothers in for a start. “Im
away, mum - I’ve told Robert you’ll be calling if you need anything”.

You are kind to help your mum, but it shouldn’t be at the expense of your own life.

Your mother is guilt tripping you and you are absolutely entitled to have a life of your own outside of her. Reassess your boundaries with regards to your mother and whatever you decide, DO NOT sacrifice the next few years of your life to this woman. She seems very old fashioned expecting you as her daughter to deal with all correspondence etc; why is she not expecting her other son who lives with her to do some of it?. It looks like your brothers too have basically left the bulk of her care to you by dint of fact that they've opted out and you are female.

Carer burnout is a real issue here and I would look at getting a care assessment done via the council if this has not already happened. It would also be a good idea for you to post this on the Elderly Parents section of this website (its in the heading under Other Stuff) as you would get good counsel as well.

Thanks for your replies.
my brother that lives with her is useless, won’t do anything but the basics, she won’t ask him to deal with her correspondence or finances as she doesn’t trust him and he’s really nosey about everything! This is a long standing issue and not likely to change.
I do feel put upon, but it’s been a subtle change over time and she is very dependent on me now!
She keeps saying she never wanted to be a burden on anyone or for me to visit because I felt I should rather than I wanted to…. But the reality is I often feel I am visiting out of duty now and that makes me feel guilty!
im not sure how a carers assessment can help me? It feels like it’s a paper exercise and just another ‘job’ for me to have to do!!?

Op we had similar. Just mind yourself too. I would make sure its delegated to the others too/or some home help. We got told she "minded" her mother. That is not realistic with our own lives. I call after work later. We can only do so much. 80s. My mother doesnt factor in traffic either