How would you feel?

[Carla2022]

My Husband started a new job towards the end of last year. We had an argument on Boxing Day when he returned home
because he ditched myself & our young daughter
(her 1st Christmas) on Christmas afternoon/night to hang out with his Brother.

I was really upset with him & instead of him being apologetic for the situation he was angry at me so we decided it was best for him to stay in a hotel for the night.

A few days after he returned home I saw a text message on our Ipad that had somehow linked to his phone. He had texted a female colleague (attractive & 10 years younger than us) that he had just recently met in the last couple of weeks inviting her to go to the Casino with him to play. She replied saying she was unable to and signed off “Win big for us” or something to that effect.

I confronted him with this and he brushed it off as him just trying to find someone to go to the casino with him so he wasn’t alone, that they had spoken about how they both love Blackjack & that he had tried a few other friends first.
I was really upset by this as I obviously have a different perspective.

He wasn’t going to continue in the job for an unrelated reason so I felt that I was ok to move past it. A month or so later he got offered a higher salary so he took the position again. I told him that I don’t think I will be able to cope with it, he assured me there is no issue.

The other night at 9pm he had a meme sent to him by her related to basketball (another hobby of his) I asked him have they bonded over Basketball too, he said that he had just mentioned it in passing.

I honestly feel so sick & sad about this. Every time he goes into the office I just feel overwhelming anxiety. He cannot see it from my point of view, thinks I’m being dramatic. He says he would never do anything to hurt our family.

Nothing like this has happened before & I see it as a potential for a relationship to form. He’s actually angry at me for being concerned about it. He refuses to engage with me about it as we have spoken about it a few times.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

How would you feel or react in this situation?

Op I have been in this situation and this is how emotional affairs start . The meme is a big no no . You can call it flirting . You need to keep an eye on this . He will make you feel stupid for feeling the way you do just saying they are friends but I have a feeling that he fancies her. If I wasn't interested in someone and they asked me out to a casino i would take it a bit creepy but for her then to send a meme . I'd assuming there are feelings involved . Weather they will be acted upon is how long you put up with it . This could go on for years . Emotional affairs do and the stronger they will feel about each other . X

The affair has already started, he probably didn’t go to this brothers but went to hers to exchange gifts. I imagine he slept the night too which is why he didn’t resist about being kicked out for the night.

With the Christmas piece you do sound a bit much, why couldn't he see his brother in the afternoon?

Ultimately even if nothing is happening, you both have different expectations of family life which need addressing.

Be angry rather than reassuring isn't a good sign.

Sorry to say but this is how it starts

For me mountain out of a mole hill, I’m happily married, two children, however have good friends that are male at work. We send each other memes, and also if there’s a Netflix series each other might like we will message about it. Also go for coffee on our lunch breaks sometimes. He’s happily in a relationship and it’s just a friendship.
The brother thing could potentially be a n it controlling , Christmas is for family … if he can’t see his bro on Boxing Day without it causing drama then sounds like something more is going on.

@Balanced12
I have absolutely no problem at all with him spending time with his family.
We were with his brother/family all day for Christmas.
We were supposed to spend Christmas lunch with his side of the family and then Christmas dinner with my family.
He decided to stay on with his brother drinking & playing cards for Christmas leaving me & our kids to drive an hour away to visit my Mum for Dinner.
He didn’t even to think to call our kids to say Goodnight on Christmas? We didn’t see him until the next afternoon.

Is this normal?

@Footballsundays6777
I have no problem with him spending time with his family at all. I encourage it.
We were with his family all of Christmas Day & were supposed to spend Christmas with my family in the evening for dinner.
He decided to stay on drinking with his Brother leaving me to drive with the kids an hour away for Christmas dinner. We didn’t see him again until the next day. No Goodnight call to his kids or anything?

This would of done it for me op . I don't think he's invested in the relationship anymore . No way would someone who cared for you ruin Christmas plans then not be seen u til the next afternoon 😢. End it op I promise things are going to get worse and the more hurt you will be x

You either trust him to do the right thing, or you don’t. You can’t police his behaviour at work, down that path lies misery.

For me, the meme is nothing … I text colleagues both male & female outside of work time, and Im
not having any kind of affair with any of them.

The Christmas thing is out of order, you had plans, and he didn’t stick to them. I would be annoyed about that, it was disrespectful to you and your family.

The woman at work, what makes you think she would be interested in your partner ? She’s already turned down his offer to go to the Casino - if she were interested see would have taken him up in it.

Without trust, there is no relationship - if you don’t trust him, what’s the point?

I have make friends at work but, believe me, they mean nothing to me sexually (and I'm single) so nothing would even happen. We message on WhatsApp and go for lunch and even meet up on odd days off. Nothing is happening - it's just a friendship.
I don't think what he did at Christmas was nice though.
The messages seem completely innocent to me but if you see one sexual then you'll know. iPhones link to iPads hence how messages come up in them too.

He abandoned you and your daughter at Christmas to drink and play cards

think about that

let basketball meme girl have him, kick him out.

your anxiety should really be about the years of misery you’ll have with this loser if you stay, rather than someone else taking this low value man from you

Sorry OP your additional information makes it clear he was out of order at Christmas. It sounds a complete lack of care. How involved is he as a family unit?

The work thing could be nothing, but if he's a rubbish partner just get rid

It sounds like he already has very different priorities i.e himself and whatever HE wants/ likes/ needs etc and he doesn't seem to give one shiny shit about the effect his selfishness has on you, your kids or your family either !

I'd be chucking him out tbh.

@Carla2022 I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

Context with this sort of thing is everything. Is it usual for him to be as selfish as he was Xmas day? Does he regularly make female friends and so far your spidey sense hasn't gone crazy?

IMHO in general, women just know when things don't feel right. They just know. And they come searching for other women to validate their concerns.

Listen to your gut. Don't let him gaslight and minimise this.

@Sofacouchboredom
We have been together 6 years. He’s always had plenty of female colleagues and I’ve never once felt insecure/threatened by them in any way.
To me messaging a new female colleague on the night that we had an argument and inviting her to hang out is just weird.
I don’t believe that anything has happened between them but the fact that he did that makes me think that there is potential there if they were to continue to spend more time together at work.

As for Christmas Day, I have been reflecting on our relationship recently and yes it is usual for him to be selfish like that :(

@watchagunado
Thanks for your advice.
Sadly the Christmas Day type situation is not unique either.
I know things aren’t right :(,

@gonnascreamsoon
You are so right. Definitely different priorities.

For me, it seems odd he’s going to a casino at all. Let alone wirh a work colleague. He doesn’t sound invested in your relationship at all and he doesn’t sound like he really prioritises you or your family. I would leave him if I were you.
‘Win big for us? Sounds like an affair to me.

I think he sees himself as a single man. I would be helping him along with that.

@LilythePunk
He is no longer going to the Casino but went through a stage of a couple of a month or so going a couple of times a week & entering into tournaments. Definitely not a great hobby & glad that’s over!

You are definitely right about the prioritising.
I don’t think they are having an affair (at this stage! I hope) but the ‘Win big for us’ did make me wonder if she had been with him on a previous occasion.

@ExtraOnion You’re right, without trust what is the point?
Although I don’t believe anything has happened thus far, unfortunately I don’t trust that something won’t develop.

@whymewhyme
This also seems to me how something would start too!
Thats what I was seeking, whether others would see it like that.