Too rationed? Wanting more

[Earlgrey19]

Have been in a relationship for 8 months, and friends before.

There are strong feelings on each side & a desire to have a future with each other. But I just struggle with the rhythm of how we see each other, which is twice a week always on a Tues eve and Sunday — when neither of us have the kids (we both have young kids from previous relationships and the kids don’t know about relationship yet) . We live a ten minute cycle ride apart. The time together is wonderful but I just don’t find it enough. He also says he misses me and says “don’t go” every time I have to leave, but he doesn’t plan in extra time with me and in general is hopeless at making plans, eg with school holidays, which could potentially offer us a chance to go away together when kids are with their other parent, Every week I tell myself to stick with it, that time together will expand in the future, but every week when it gets to about Thursday or Friday I struggle with it. He has his kid less evenings than I have mine and in the past he has sometimes come over to hang out for a few hours after mine are in bed on other evenings too, but he now doesn’t ever suggest it. I’ve stopped suggesting it as I want him to do so sometimes. He does also have chronic fatigue, not too bad now, but it’s a factor. I do have a very full life and am also busy with my kids and with my friends, but it doesn’t help with how rationed the relationship feels to me in this way.
We speak every day on phone but I much prefer being together. We can’t involve the kids yet as it’s too soon after his divorce for his son.
Do I just wait, accepting it’s early days for everyone?

Does it sound within realms of ‘normal’?

If you're not satisfied in your relationship after 8 months, why carry on?

Life's too short.

is hopeless at making plans

Not a good prospect for a happy future.....

I personally would ask how much time he needs to start involving his son?

I was introduced to my dad's new relations nearly straight away about 6 months after my mum divorced him (after his regular cheating. Which is why his 2nd marriage broke too). As a 7-year-old child, I didn't feel it was too soon. Of course, ideally, I wanted my mum & dad to be together and have my family united but with age (especially in my teens), I realized it wasn't possible and it's best to avoid toxic relations, cheating and betrayal.

Everyone is different but in this situation, I would say twice a week is not enough for me and how long does he need for the next step to happen.

For me, I would say living together after 1 year of dating is quite reasonable if relations are generally happy and both people would like it to happen.

Some men hope to go back to their wives even after the divorce. That's why they can be not in a rush to introduce their new relations to their child/children.

Some men (some women sometimes too) lack initiative in arranging fun times as a couple. You either accept this fact or look for a better match.

Thanks. I really nice him so can’t imagine leaving, but I do want more.

love

Have you discussed a weekend away even?

I think when you have children in the relationship it’s broadly fine. I have been with my DP for a year and a half and we see each other once in the week and for about 24 hours over the weekend. We are in constant contact throughout the day. To be honest that works for us. We also do go away together so spend more time that way.

it’s a serious relationship but it’s not in each other’s pockets and with kids that’s the way I prefer it. I defintely don’t think living together after a year as one poster suggested is even slightly sensible or desirably when there are children involved.

You need to have a chat with him and explain how you're feeling .

What would work for you? Understand what you want and ask for it. If he can't/won't give you more time then this isn't the relationship for you. A relationship with children is more challenging and isn't like pre children and many relationships post divorce atruggle because time together is an issue.

The worse case scenario is you sit waiting for him to change and several years down the line you are in a similar situation feeling more resentful and frustrated.

I agree. My dp and I have been together almost 3 years and don't live together as I have my children living with me and I want what's best for them, not me.

He lived an hour's drive away for the first 1.5 years and we saw each other once or twice a week over that time. Yes we missed each other but we made it work and made the most of the time we had together. He then moved closer to me just over a year ago and we see each other pretty much daily but still no plans to live together.

I think seeing each other more like three times a week would work a lot better for me. I find it hard to ask for more, though. I’m afraid of being too demanding, and also wouldn’t like the feeling that’s it me chasing it.

But I probably do need to talk to him about it, including if he maybe he is ready for a relationship. My feeling is that he knew he loved me and wanted to get together with me quickly so I wouldn’t get together with anyone else and be lost to him, as he knew I had started online dating (we were friends before). But he may not really be ready for a proper new relationship.

You both have busy lives, both are rightly prioritising your DC, but you see each other twice a week, he doesn't want you to leave when it's time for you to go - you would like to see him more often, but refuse to just straightforwardly schedule in an extra visit because
I’ve stopped suggesting it as I want him to do so sometimes.

This is the height of self-defeating passive aggression!
The man manages chronic fatigue FFS.
If you want to see him more, say so, & book the extra visit in when you are next leaving his house & he's telling you he doesn't want you to leave yet ...

Same for the school holidays. Get your calendars out, find a date that works for you both, & book it.

He's not Prince Charming, so stop waiting for him to sweep you off your feet or surprise you with arranging an extra visit. You want something - so ask for it, expect agreement, & book it in.

If you get anything other than enthusiastic agreement - there's your answer.
It doesn't make him a bad man. It just mean you are not compatible in terms of the amount of time you have - or maybe want to have - to give each other.

I find it hard to ask for more, though. I’m afraid of being too demanding
What do you think is at root of this feeling?

and also wouldn’t like the feeling that’s it me chasing it.
Why? Are you expecting him to be someone he is not?

It's like the endless "he won't propose" threads - which make me want to scream "stop obsessing over prescribed gender roles & if you want something, ask for it & make it happen!"

You are making yourself unhappy for no reason OP - you are 'dealing' with that unhappiness by hoping your man will suddenly become psychic & give you what you want. If you ask for it, you may find that he is also very happy to see each other a little more, & relieved & grateful that you are the one asking & organising.

It's not his job to second guess you.
It's not your role to silently endure dissatisfaction & not speak up because ... well, what? Fear of seeming 'unfeminine' demanding?

Every bit if energy has to be rationed when you have chronic fatigue. You can choose whether to stay or go. But if you stay, accept this man's health limitations.

@KettrickenSmiled that’s a useful perspective— will have a think.

I was rather bullish OP, so thank you for your gracious comment.

Please value yourself, & speak up for what you want.
Wanting things is a basic human condition. You don't need to feel shy of it.

Oh dear, I just asked him on the phone if he’s free for lunch on Friday and he said “Why?”

Feeling upset. I tried to explain but it then came out in a late night upset kind of way. He got a bit defensive, though he acknowledged he would like to see more of me too. But he kind of didn’t seem to think it was possible since he’s recently taken on some more work doing 7 hours of caring for a disabled relative in addition to his other work, and he’s probably right. I need to respect that.

I love him very much and don’t want to be with anyone else.

But I spent half my life time in my previous marriage not being true to what i want, so Im conflicted about this.

I don’t want to be with anyone else

If he works, has chronic fatigue, has children, cares for a relative then I think he won't have more time for you. Is that that's enough for you? I think it won't be, as it upsets you now.

I suspect you have different views of the relationship. For him he has a girlfriend but not someone who he plans to merge lives with. Judge him on actions not on his words.

Whilst you are just dating a few times a week you don't get to know each other well as you will both be on "best behaviour". You're not really seeing each other as you truly are. Just be aware that what you love about him will be limited to what he chooses to show you.

Sounds like he's not ready to make more of a commitment by seeing you more. Ask him when he sees himself making more time, what you want in the future, meeting family, living together etc. there's only so long you should wait, but I think with the right person it would be more effortless if you're on the same page.
Dont be fobbed off, if this isn't working, don't drag it out.

Oh dear, I just asked him on the phone if he’s free for lunch on Friday and he said “Why?”

Harsh!!!

Oh OP, I know he's busy, esp with the additional caring responsibility.
But there's a difference between knowing your b/f is busy AND wants to see you ... & knowing your b/f has pigeonholed you into "2 appointments per week, & startled response to any suggestion of sponteneity".

That "why" is horrible, OP. I am so sorry.
It's like he can only 'recognise' you within your allotted timeslots.
Has it changed the way you feel about him, or how satisfactory this relationship is going to be for you?

I don’t know. I’m confused. He is very loving and supportive, and I don’t doubt how he feels about me. But I am upset by this.

He says he said why because I had mentioned that I’d been discussing in therapy the idea of wanting to spend more time together, and he wondered if the Friday lunch was my therapist’s idea. I probably shouldn’t have brought therapy into it. He’s since said yes, it would be nice, that he has to work on Friday but will get up early to work so that he can have time at lunchtime.

Perhaps I need to see if a good conversation is possible about things.

He says he said why because I had mentioned that I’d been discussing in therapy the idea of wanting to spend more time together, and he wondered if the Friday lunch was my therapist’s idea.

Fucking HELL he's hard work.
Is he Sheldon Cooper?