Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Just in a bit of a tiz over a conversation with DP

21 replies

claraenglish · 12/01/2008 11:22

Message withdrawn

OP posts:

Saturn74 · 12/01/2008 11:30

"He said sleeping with me would be like teasing him".

He is behaving like a child.

Having a baby, although wonderful, is a major shock for everyone.

Not just him.

It is a huge deal, because he is making you feel bad because you won't have sex with him.

He is not taking into account the fact that you are scared. That you are exhausted. That you are a new mother, and need some support from him.

Your baby is only 12 weeks old, ffs, and he is being as useful as a chocolate teapot.

I think you are being very patient.

If he was my DH, he would be collecting his testicles from the garden next door, where they would have landed after I chopped them off.

colditz · 12/01/2008 11:33

Remind him that without a hefty dose of non sexual closeness and support, women do not put out unless they are drunk or paid.

He needs to get with the programme. You're not a chocolate cake, there for the eating. he needs to put an effort in, more than he ever did before. It may be that he has put as much effort in as he ever did ... well, now it's not enough.

Original poster

claraenglish · 12/01/2008 11:38

Message withdrawn

OP posts:

Original poster

claraenglish · 12/01/2008 11:39

Message withdrawn

OP posts:

Buda · 12/01/2008 11:42

Was it you who was very upset at the lack of interest your DP was showing your DS just after the birth?

He does sound very immature.

Remind him that doctors don't actually recommend that a woman conceives again for a year after birth as it takes that long for the body to recover completely. So 12 weeks is nothing.

It is great that he offers practical support but it is nothing that he shouldn't be doing after all. It is his baby. He needs to eat dinner and he lives in the house too.

sandcastles · 12/01/2008 11:46

Could it not be that he is still adjusting to having to "share" you?

Not saying that it is an excuse, but like you say, 12 weeks isn't that long really.

He has had you to himself for all the time before ds was born & now hehas to share you most [all] of the time. Now, as you are co-sleeping, he is having to share you in bed too.

Maybe he just needs a little understanding & reasurrance that you still need/want him & he is using sex as a way of getting that?

Maybe he just really can't sleep with LO in the bed, my dh hated it as he was worried that he would roll & squash our dd. It took him a while to realise that he wouldn't.

Agree that he needs to put the effort in, but IMHO so do you, relationships are one sided.

sandcastles · 12/01/2008 11:49

relationships are one not sided

sandcastles · 12/01/2008 11:50

relationships are not one sided

['ll get there in the end]

colditz · 12/01/2008 11:58

claraenglish, nothing, nothing you have said about him on this forum points to anything other than a childish sulky selfish little prick. he sounds just like my ex after I had ds1, and I eventually threw him out, and sometimes I wish I had done it earlier.

not answering you when you speak to him is one of the most sobbingly frustrating things someone can do. I really feel for you. I hope you manage to make this work - I'd ask him to go to Relate if I were you.

Saturn74 · 12/01/2008 15:11

claraenglish - you could suggest that he post his point of view on the dadsnet section here.

Some of the more experienced fathers would be able to put things into perspective for him, from a male point of view.

He really needs to understand that you are not being unreasonable or rejecting him, but he is a father now, and the sulky schoolboy act just won't cut it any longer.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 12/01/2008 15:13

He is an idiot and his nose is out of joint as a baby has you all to himself and you no longer pander to him. Tell him the last thing you want is to have sex with him when he can't step up and act like a father and partner and share the care. He is an idiot and as for teasing him, he needs to get a grip and grow up.

catsmother · 12/01/2008 15:36

Clara, I remember your other posts lately and they were some of the saddest I've read on here.

Though it is straight to the point, I entirely agree with Colditz.

motherinferior · 12/01/2008 15:48

And I don't get this 'sharing' business. He's not a baby, ffs, your baby is.

millie865 · 12/01/2008 15:53

Hi Clara, I'm sorry to hear you are still having problems. The silence and the sulking does seem a bit passive agressive. My DH does that sometimes and I HATE it more than anything. The problem is he sees it as a virtue - he's not arguing, making him the good guy. I've tried to make him realise that avoiding an issue or refusing to respond when your partner needs to talk about something isn't a good thing - it's bloody annoying. Sometimes he gets it, sometimes not.

I think one of the problems with all the issues that come up with a new baby is that everything seems like it is going to be forever - lack of sleep, sheer bloody exhaustion and so on. And from the man's point of view the lack of sex. I think they worry that this is it, no more sex ever again. (and then seem to do everything they can to make that come true by being complete arses!) I'm sure its at least in part the fear that this is forever that causes the problems.

If your DP is anything like my DH he will switch off when you try to explain why you need some cuddles and closeness before you start to feel ready for sex. Could you write him a letter? You'd probably be justified in making it a rant, but if you can try to write something that he will actually want to read; that you love him, that you miss the closeness that you had, that you feel lonely and scared and want time together without the pressure to have sex, but that you will want sex again. I know he deserves a kick in the balls, but try to focus on the result you want rather than the response he deserves. One of you has to be a grown up and it looks like its going to have to be you. Sorry!!

The thing about a letter is you can write it, leave it, come back to it, revise it (post it here if you like - sometimes other people can point out how someone might misinterpret something) so that it actually says what you mean. Then you can leave him to read, ponder and respond.

Good luck!

branflake81 · 12/01/2008 16:39

To be fair I don't think you should be co-sleeping with your baby if your husband does not want to. Parenting is a partnership and you have effectively evicted him from his bed. I appreciate you have your child's best interests at heart but don't forget that your DH has a role in rearing him too and his needs should not be forgotten. I don't think he is being selfish. Maybe you are for co-sleeping against his will.

colditz · 12/01/2008 20:51

Cosleeping is in line with the advice given by the SIDS website, and I don't think the needs of a baby shoud be over ridden by the sex drive of a spoilt bastard man.

Original poster

claraenglish · 12/01/2008 21:58

Message withdrawn

OP posts:

Original poster

claraenglish · 12/01/2008 21:59

Message withdrawn

OP posts:

crantox · 12/01/2008 22:16

If your DP is reading this them maybe he would be intersted to read that my DH did this to me with DD2. She was born at 5am, we got home at 3pm that afternoon and the first thing he did after making a cup of tea was go upstairs and move his stuff down to the sofa. He slept there for seven months insisting that I moved DD2 into her own room before he moved back. He said all the same things to me your DP has said to you.

My DH is bloody lucky to still have me and his two DDs around him as another man came along who did want to look after me and give me the care I needed. I had no energy to actively look for such a person and I didn't go out and find him. He just was there and my whole instinct told me to be with him as he showed more genuine interst in the welfare of me and my children than DH did. Nothing happened, I told DH what was happening, it was a wake up call for him and things gradually got better.

susiecutiemincepies · 12/01/2008 22:36

God Clara, i'm so sorry you are having such a shitty time. he is being a selfish fool, to put it mildly, and I hope he is reading not only what you have written, but our responses, maybe he'll realise what he's doing is not justified in any way!
Men, ( some) have a great way of turning things round and making you feel guilty and bad about things that they need to be addressing and apologizing for

I had the opposite problem really. DH was too scared to have sex with me for a while. He was scared of many things. Hurting me, being the main one, I dont think he ever got over the midwife stitching me! another thing was that he was scared about us conceiving un intentionally too soon, despite using 2 forms of contraception, and the sleeping issue, he wanted DH to co-sleep with us, and I didnt when he was home, as I wanted to be as close to him as possible, as he is away in the week!

Of course I didnt push him to have sex again, and we talked a lot about it and really cuddled alot. We actually had some wonderful close moments with out going 'all the way', in fact, some of the closest moments we've ever had. Its all back to normal now, but it took time for him to feel comfortable with it.
We do often sleep with DD in our bed though. Usually its when she wakes in the night and one of us brings her into bed with us. So, we get the best of both worlds really.

You need to tell him excatly how you feel, and he needs to listen ! he needs to for the sake of your future. he is damaging things severely by behaving the way he has for so long now. It will be bloody hard for you to forget all this, and its marred the first few precious months you have with your DS. he needs a bloody big kick up the butt.

mmelody · 13/01/2008 12:28

Hi clara.. Call his bluff and get him back in the bedroom. say that DS can go into his own room and it would be a huge help if he started getting up in the night to help you/bring DS to you etc.I would be VERY surprised if it lasted more than a night or two!

You have my utmost respect with the way you are dealing with your sulky DP and I agree with you entirely that its up to you how you cope with the night feeds and sleeping arrangements. I have a 6 month old DS who feeds/wakes frequently at night... My DP has been in the spare room since day 3 or 4.. we agreed that its just better that way as he is able to function the next day and offer me support in other ways. I miss sleeping with him but we find time for cuddles and chats in other ways.. its all abot adapting to your situation...

Flip