Have I made a mistake, why don't I feel relieved?

[Doingdoingdont]

Today is DH day off and he had spent it drinking and by the time I got home from work he was barely conscious. This is part of the reason I want to split, the other that he is often angry with me for everything and can be very venomous. This week has been awful. On Monday he ranted and raved about how I am hopeless and a burden and he does everything because I do leave him to manage finances and most of the daily shop for milk etc is done by him. The rant was nonstop for 15 minutes. I got out of the car at the supermarket and left my jacket and phone in the car and hope it would calm down after a quick shop. Instead he went away moving the car to a different part of the carpark and when I got out with bags of shopping couldn't see him. I stood for about 10 minutes not sure what to do, only when I turned to go back into the shop to try and get a payphone to call someone did he drive round and honk the horn. Then he denied doing it deliberately saying he had to nip away to another shop and it was my fault for leaving my phone in the car. Its the same pattern, he is nasty and puts me down then he says "right I'm sorry" then ask for a kiss. If I say no or avoid he makes a scene about how unreasonable I am . So it's easier to just given in for peace.
This is not how he always is, he can be kind and is very supportive and thoughtful to others, even strangers, which I admire as I can be a bit oblivious. He is the life and soul of any party, and everyone loves him. And I know I not easy to love with, I can be too easy going and leave things to the last minute, and allow housework and ironing to build up. And I am lazy.
I told him today that I want to separate.
I know this is a dick move to say by text but to say it to his face would have started more nastiness and anger from him and I find it easier to write it out rather than try to justify a response to his accusations.
He agreed.
I thought when I had told him I would feel relief and hopeful. But I just feel numb, and empty. Not sad or happy or anything.
This is a very long post so I understand if no one can be arsed reading it all or at all.

Hi OP, it’s so sad to hear you. This isn’t a relationship that sounds particularly healthy. It must be very hurtful to have your partner just say yes about splitting up with any further review, but perhaps he is doing you a favour.

He sounds vile and you've definitely done the right thing. In time you will feel happy about it but for now just try and stay strong and don't let him worm his way back in

I’m not surprised you feel numb and empty, it’s sad to end a (long?) relationship, to acknowledge that it wasn’t working. It’s not a happy ending.

But once you have a had a week or two of not having to worry about his reaction and not having to appease him with kisses you didn’t want… you will feel so relieved. Not ecstatic, but so relieved. The relief hasn’t happened yet because you haven’t had that time away from him yet, your body hasn’t unclenched yet.

Best wishes, you deserve a lot better than him.

This was difficult to read OP - He sounds horrible. Well done for ending it.

The numb is being detached, I suspect you have detached emotionally to survive an emotionally abusive relationship.

I was totally numb for 2 weeks after telling my H I wanted to end our marriage. I honestly felt nothing. He left immediately and I was working and had our DD so I carried on going through the motions. Once DD was in bed I just sat and stared, I don’t think I even put the TV on. After the numb came a huge wave of sorrow. Not sadness that I was ending the marriage but sadness that the marriage hadn’t been what I thought it would. I was sad at losing the man I thought I’d married, the man I’d expected him to be. I was sad at breaking up my daughters family. I did wonder now and then if I was doing the right thing but I was always sure that I’d not have done it if being married hadn’t been terrible in the end. Now I’m 4 years on and it was definitely the right thing and I get flashes now and then of his behaviours that made being married intolerable in the end.

You are right at the start of the road, it’s long and difficult. Trust yourself, you wouldn’t have done this if you hadn’t been desperately unhappy. Numb is normal. Just keep keeping on.

Sounds like you've done the right thing.
May not feel like it now but when you look back in 6 months you'll realise.
He sounds dreadful and quite cruel, often these people are the 'life and soul' that's part of their act.
I think you'll find your life will be much nicer from now on.

We have 2 DC (upper primary age) who adore him, but I have noticed spend more time in their room when he is very drunk. We have been together 18 years, I don't know any different. I feel ashamed that our marriage is ending after all this time. How do I tell DCs without painting either him as the reason or myself as abandoning him?

Well you don't hide the fact that his drinking is the reason you are splitting up.

They notice it already, they keep away from because they don't like it.

Ask them why they think you are splitting up, they may well already know.

Sounds like you would benefit from support by AA. You need to remove the DC from this ASAP.

What RandomMess wrote.

Did you yourself grow up seeing alcoholism too within your parents home?.

Your children do not so much adore him as fear him actually; they are becoming like you are now - quiet, subserviant and hypervigilent to his ever changing moods. Your shame is totally misplaced; this is all on him and his alcoholism and abuse leading on from that has caused this marriage to end.

Give them the age appropriate truth re why your marriage to dad is ending.
Your children know and know far more than you realise. They go into their rooms to escape both their dad being drunk and verbally abusing you and or giving you the silent treatment which is a form of emotional abuse. What are your children going to remember about their own childhoods here; you and your kids leaving him behind will go onto mitigate some of the damage done to you all. Alcoholism as well is not called the "family disease" for nothing and you are all profoundly affected by his drinking.

Your own recovery from this will only properly start when you are away from him. Keep pressing on with the process of separation and divorce from him; your children will thank you for doing so.

Abusers can often be quite plausible to those in the outside world but I would think that one or two people have noticed that he is not as nice as he appears to be.

Seek legal advice asap. Start planning your exit and document all examples of his abuses towards you all.

You do not owe him anything let alone a relationship now. He is an abusive drunkard to you and in turn your kids who pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken.

I’m sure your children will know the reason why you cannot continue. I hope you have support in real life. You will feel sad, that is understandable as you have been together over 18 years. You are brave and doing the right thing. 💐

I’m a few months down the line from you. STBXH commented when we split that I seemed much calmer than he was..(he cried a lot). This was partly because I was numb and I couldn’t quite believe I’d said I wanted to separate. Partly because I’d done all my crying in private when he was drunk/wouldn’t talk to Me/treated me like crap. Several months later I feel like a weight has been lifted. No more horrendous snoring, no more worrying if he’d get to the bathroom if he woke to have a wee in the night. People who haven’t known me long say I seem like a different person, who have known me a long time say I seem like myself again.

Our DD is a similar age to your kids. We told her we were separating because we were both unhappy and arguing a lot (which she had observed). Gradually she has come out with things which make me realise she knew a lot more than she had let on and she now understands my perspective (I try not to slag him off, he’s still her Dad). One time she said “Don’t tell Daddy this, but actually he was a bit of a jerk wasn’t he?!”.

So yeah, it gradually gets easier and the relief will come. Well done for saying what needed to be said and getting on the path to freedom.

He's abusive. You've done the right thing. Maybe you thought he would try and persuade you to stay - don't worry, he will. He will try and reel you back in as he's had years of training you to be his victim, he won't want to start again. If you feel tempted to go back, think about the way he makes you feel at the worst. Standing outside the supermarket with no idea what he was playing at - that was 1000% deliberate. He wanted you to be confused and looking for him. Please tell some people in real life that will help keep you on this path to freedom. You've taken the first step, that's the hardest bit.

The children are seeing what's going on, and they're internalising that this is what a relationship should be like. Don't be this model for them.