How to stop overthinking & assuming? Do you do this too?

[eyebrowladyyyy]

I am really bad for assuming the worst - if someone doesn't reply to me, I assume I've made them annoyed or they don't like me, or something has happened like maybe gossip behind my back.

I am always mindful of texts/dms/private messages and wonder if the person I am sharing them with will ever screenshot.

Sometimes I hate opening up to people because I get something like a vulnerability hangover - I get embarrassed after as I catastrophize very easily and wonder if it'll be used against me or gossiped about at some point.

I am in my early 20s, so if anyone has any tips to stop this - i'd like to do it now before it overrules my whole life. Major peole pleaser.

Seek out a group mindfulness course to do - this will show you that the mind is programmed to do this but we have to realise that these thoughts we have are not true or facts. I wish I had known this when I was younger.

@RitaFaircloughsWig That's 100% the thing. I always worry I'm having these thoughts as a "gut feeling" or me having these thoughts will make it manifest (bloody law of attraction) and I just feel like I'm always in a vicious circle!

People pleasing often starts by wanting to parent please, were you in childhood always trying to please an emotionally difficult or otherwise absent parent?. If so you may want to look at getting therapy.

Do also read Patrick King’s book called Stop people pleasing.

@AttilaTheMeerkat yes, my mother died when I was a kid and my father was an alcoholic. I actually did therapy for years and years, but I can talk about my issues with anyone and I feel like I was running out of things to talk about, I didn't need to confide in anyone, I needed advice more than anything! I'll have a look for the book. Thank you x

I had a friend with huge anxiety (he was autistic) who used to overthink things and believe the worst things about me for transgressions such as not replying to a text immediately.

Ultimately, I ended the friendship but one thing we did together was set up a diary for him. In it, he could write down the times/dates we'd seen together amd the other things he'd done in his life so that he could see that, when we hadn't seen each other for a few weeks, it was as much because he was busy as I was.

We also wrote a list in the back of the diary of all the things I might be doing that prevented me from replying immediately and at the bottom wrote that not replying was never a form of punishment or because we were no longer friends.

The truth is that other people.have busy lives, we can't reply immediately and sometimes then we just forget. It's not a conscious decision to leave someone hanging.

As for the catastrophising, cbt might help in developing strategies for managing that. I agree that just talking about it eventually leads nowhere. You know when it's come from, you need strategies to stop it.

Read Make It Happen by Jordanna Levin to get a balanced viewpoint on the law of attraction.

Get rid of the LOA nonsense, it makes anxiety worse because it tries to force you to only have ‘positive’ thoughts which actually reinforces negative thoughts because then you worry every negative thought will ‘manifest’ something bad - making them even more loaded. Read up on toxic positivity. LOA is a deeply unhealthy practice and can make people miserable and anxious, as you’ve discovered. Below is a good brief article about LOA and toxic positivity.

sundialjournal.com/2021/01/21/manifestation-in-2021-positive-thinking-or-positively-toxic/amp/

FWIW your thoughts do become your reality to a certain extent, because they focus your mind on some things while ignoring others. LOA works for some people by essentially being a goal setting tool - think of want you want, take action to get it = ‘manifestation’. It literally just that. Yes, if you focus all your attention on the negatives in life you’re more likely to see them or get yourself wound up in ruminating etc, but that doesn’t mean every thought you have will manifest something like some giant cosmic ordering service. At the end of the day, it’s about balance and acceptance. Mindfulness would be much more useful you than LOA.

@GreyCarpet I like this idea - it sounds similar to me but I'm not autistic (as far as I know!) - I think because I'm really responsive to texts, I never leave anyone hanging or forget to reply, so I just assume everyone does the same. I will catastrophize and it NEVER turns out what I was assuming about the person.

You said you ended the friendship - was this due to because he was acting this way? I really want to nip this in the bud before it does something like that. And yes exactly, I can speak to anyone about it, I know the origin, I just need steps forward.

@PriestessofPing yes, exactly! I had to recently reject a guy I was speaking to before my current partner who took it well, but I always worry someone might become bitter and try and sabotage me (again, this has never happened), when I got over the initial worry, I had started to panic thinking I worried about it TOO much, therefore my thoughts would become reality :(

I will read the article now!

You're right - I've been researching this just to try and disprove my negative thinking. It's all about confirmation bias I guess. Do you have any specific tools you recommend for mindfulness? I feel like I've always lived my life in survival mode so my overthinking is too the extreme.

Here's a tip. When you catch yourself overthinking, grab a piece of paper and write down;

1. The absolute worst thing that could happen
2. The absolute best thing that could happen
3. The most LIKELY thing that could happen

1 and 2 generally don't exist...

Yes, sure. I’ve found a resource called The Mindful Way Through Depression really useful as well as a book called Full Catastrophe Living both by a guy called Jon Kabat-Zinn really helpful.

There are videos on YouTube as well to help you get started - I really love this body scan for if i’m feeling anxious - m.youtube.com/watch?v=u4gZgnCy5ew

I think what you describe really is the danger of LOA - it can sometimes empower negative thoughts and create anxiety around how other people may affect us or how our thoughts affect us. It’s simply not natural or possible to eliminate all negative thoughts as they are often there for a reason! Difference is not letting them get out of hand which does take some time.

Mindfulness is not a magic bullet i’m my view, but it definitely can help to minimise persistent negative thoughts and fears.

Thank you guys, I really appreciate it

Another question I had for any people pleasers - do you worry if you set boundaries or tell someone no, they might set out to harm or sabotage you?

I managed to take control of anxiety and tendency to people- please and wanting to be liked after seeing the TEDTalk about Giving Fewer Fucks. It really puts everything in perspective, I cannot recommend it highly enough.

Be aware, what you're experiencing takes a lot of time to understand so don't put yourself under pressure to suddenly change thought patterns and be different. Celebrate the small triumphs , acknowledge and give yourself a secret pat on the back whenever you manage to power through and push back on other people's expectations being imposed on you. Pull yourself up to your full height, be assertive not aggressive, calm not flustered. You can do it!

@daisychain01 is it The Magic of Not Giving a F**k? I can't find the title you mentioned!

This is exactly what the book I mentioned advocates.

hear hooves, think horses

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron buying it as we speak! I've spent a good 2 years believing Law of Attraction/Law of Assumption - I think because when I felt confident, good things happened to me like getting promotion, getting with my partner, everyone wanted to be my friend and I was constantly out and things like that so I believed it, which worried me about the negative thoughts.

I'll look up the one I watched as I can't remember the exact title.

In essence, the message is that we all have a finite supply of fucks (sorry, it may sound crude if you're not into the f word, but I do think its use in this context is just about the best use of the word that I've ever seen!) so you should use them wisely and only for important things.

In the context of your challenge, it's all about thinking whether the person or situation you're agonising over deserves one of your precious fucks from that finite inventory of yours, because if you use it on them it could be wasted. In my experience as I've become better at self-regulating my behaviours and though patterns I've found that I've enabled myself to spin on my heels and walk away from some pretty awful situation. It's given me back the headspace and energy to invest elsewhere to much better purpose..

Then on reflecting back I've felt a warm glow of empowerment, it increases self-esteem and control in life to stop putting everyone else's needs, opinions and demands ahead of yours. Just to be clear, it's very different to being callous or uncaring, quite the reverse, it's directing your feeling to yourself, because you matter, your needs are just as important. Self-love! If you think this sounds very specific it's because it is. It has happened to me recently.

One of my most often-used expressions is "Don't complain, don't explain". It takes bravery to resolve not to feel obliged to explain yourself to people. All that does is invest power in them to give you their unwanted unneeded opinion of what you've explained. Why should you, they don't own you! Be more brave, try it out, see how it feels.