Is he gaslighting me?

[primarniqueen]

My ex partner used to shout at me a lot during arguments. He says he shouts because I made him. Does this text sound like it's both of us at fault?

Its gasligting if he makes you question whether an event or conversation that you remember happened or not.

What does make me wonder is whether he takes any responsibility for his own actions - apparently if he wasn't pushed so far he wouldn't snap. But the only person responsible and in control of how he reacts to something is him.

Do you tell him he's mentally unstable? Do you believe he is or do you do it to make him question his own mental health? Or are you gaslighting him by making him feel that he is unstable to react the way he does?

If this is someone you love why are you treating each other this way? Do you want to change your pattern or do you want to split up? That seems to me the choices as staying in the pattern of rowing like that is pointless - life is too short to waste it being unhappy.

Do you 'wind him up'?
What is your approach to arguments, he shouts but you don't say how you approach it?

Do you call him mentally unstable when he apologises? and if so do you say it because you think he's mentally unstable?

I have a bad temper. Nobody is responsible for me keeping my temper but me. The temper is mine to keep. End of.

“You made me do it” is not good. Yes you can be goady but that doesn’t force the other person to snap. They could just walk away or tell you to stop being insufferable or something, snapping is not ok, as it implies a loss of control.

”You’re mentally unstable” is not good. If someone really is mentally unstable they will need support and understanding. If they’re not then it’s a nasty dismissive way of belittling their experiences.

From this snapshot nobody can say if anyone is gaslighting anyone, but it seems like a very unhealthy dynamic, where both parties are being unpleasant to each other to score points. Where’s the partnership in that?

put in another context my XH used to wind his son up till he snapped and knew he was doing it to get a reaction. They were both at fault.

Who is at fault is irrelevant. This relationship is a toxic shit show. Get rid, move on, and take some time to get to know yourself.

Sounds like a typical 'you made me do it' excuse from an abuser if you ask me. It's never their fault for being a bastard apparently, no, the fault lies with you because you made him do it. My ex used to pull that one. It was my fault he hit me, because I made him angry.

You made me do it. Abusive prick's handbook, chapter 1.

Thanks everyone. No he's twisted it as always. I would for example probably be nagging "for god's sake you haven't cut the grass it looks awful/no one helps me with housework" etc. so I would probably piss him off. He would then always over react? Call my a c u next Tuesday, or about.
recently since we split was the first and only time I've ever asked if he was mentally stable. I didn't say he was I literally said "are you mentally stable?" As he's been doing things out of character, getting naked photos of women, I found out he's been asking random people for 3sums, and now he's saying seen as he lost me he's got nothing. He knows I've suffered with my MH so it wasn't an insult. But he took it as because he's begging for me back and apologising for all he did I'm suggesting he's mentally unstable, when actually I'm going by his actions for probably the past year or so x

Can you cut him off? He doesn't sound good for your wellbeing.

He is your ex. Why does it matter. The relationship is over. Block him.

Keep him as an ex. It's an unhealthy dynamic whoever is 'at fault'.

Just ignore him. It sounds from your last post as if the to-ing and fro-ing continues. Don't get drawn into drama.

Only he controls his voice so you don't make him shout. He's your ex, why are you discussing it? The whole thing sounds high drama, sometimes people say things to get a reaction. Stop reacting.