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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't stop thinking about him

17 replies

fourthousandmiles · 19/05/2022 15:20

DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 5 and have 1 DC. Things are great, We're really happy and he's my best friend and husband all rolled into one.

Recently I started a new job and crossed paths with an old flame. DH and I split for a short time around 12 years ago and me and this other guy, who I was friends with at the time, became very close and slept together a few times before DH and I decided to give things another go, we went separate ways and haven't seen or heard from each other since until a couple of weeks ago. At the time I was sad that we had ruined the friendship that we once had but it was for the best as there was still something there for both of us.
Last week we had a catch-up over lunch, it was lovely to have a chat and catch up on the last decade but he was very flirty and suggestive, I asked him to stop and he apologised and agreed we'd keep things professional.
We don't cross paths very often at my new job, we both work in different departments, but I cannot stop thinking about him and the what ifs and I feel terrible about it. I would and could never act on it, I love my husband, and I don't want to be thinking about him but I can't stop. Is this normal? I feel like it's just brought old feelings back and that's why I'm feeling this way. Is there anything I can do to stop it other than avoiding him as much as I can and hoping it will pass?

OP posts:

Hawkins001 · 19/05/2022 15:31

It's possible it will fade, but for now it will be the go to thoughts, at least that's my psychological analysis. All the best op.

something2say · 19/05/2022 15:42

Yes it will fade. And why not help it by working on your marriage?

Original poster

fourthousandmiles · 19/05/2022 15:52

@something2say Thankyou, I didn't think we had anything to work on up until now but yes I suppose channelling this into our marriage may be a good idea.

OP posts:

CheakyIndians · 19/05/2022 16:19

Can't say what is going to happen in 30 minutes so you have to pray and pray for strength but expect no help and be happy for the no help you get.

splishsplashsploshsplish · 20/05/2022 04:01

It's normal that our heads are turned from time to time, but it's what you do next that counts.
The fact that you asked him to stop his behaviour indicates that you are dedicated to your marriage. Stay on that track.

He is not worth losing your marriage over. Your marriage is more important than him.

You know this. Hopefully in a few months you will be wondering what you ever saw in him.

VelvetUndergrounds · 10/08/2023 15:27

@fourthousandmiles what happened, OP?
Did you get over him? I'm in a similar position right now. Looking for someone else's experience really, to know that it will pass.

lyralycra · 10/08/2023 15:32

Your mind is playing tricks on you, fixing a dopamine hit on this other guy as an object. In reality, he's just another bloke!

Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2023 15:41

it was lovely to have a chat and catch up on the last decade but he was very flirty and suggestive

Get over it by remembering that he's a fucking disrespectful creep. He hasn't seen you in years, knows you're married, and behaves this way? What a twat.

VelvetUndergrounds · 10/08/2023 15:43

lyralycra · 10/08/2023 15:32

Your mind is playing tricks on you, fixing a dopamine hit on this other guy as an object. In reality, he's just another bloke!

I like this, and it makes sense.

RadishAndTwiglet · 10/08/2023 15:46

I cannot stop thinking about him and the what ifs and I feel terrible about it. I would and could never act on it, I love my husband, and I don't want to be thinking about him but I can't stop. Is this normal? I feel like it's just brought old feelings back and that's why I'm feeling this way. Is there anything I can do to stop it other than avoiding him as much as I can and hoping it will pass?

Beng flirted with, or reconnecting innocently with an old flame, especially as a married person with children, is a powerful thing that stirs up all sorts of conflicting emotions. There nothing else you can do to make those feelings stop, no. They may take months to pass. BUT BUT BUT you DO need to make sure you actually do the thing about avoiding him as much as possible. Walk the walk. Don't just talk the talk.

If you run into him for unavoidable work purposes then be courteous but slightly aloof, don't make too much eye contact, do not agree to go to lunch and do not get into any 'harmless' texting conversations or private messages, because that and can only go badly for you. If you don't give off any encouraging signals then he'll get the message soon enough.

When people say an affair happened by accident, it rarely is completely by accident. There are almost always warning signs and points at which you give way at a junction, and then make a decision about which way to turn. You either choose to turn towards trouble and drama and complication, or you can choose to turn away from it and never look over your shoulder.

K8ate · 10/08/2023 16:45

Op went very quiet.
i wonder if she had an affair - her head had clearly been turned. She had previously ‘sampled the goods’ and therefore knew exactly what she had missed over the previous 12 years.

Thisismyartform · 10/08/2023 16:47

When I have thoughts I don’t want, say dwelling on some hurt or upset, I tell myself I will allow myself to have them for five mins ( or less!) and then I’ll think about something else.

it helps stop the obsession and escalation of the thoughts.

YoSof · 10/08/2023 17:56

This thread is over a year old, maybe that’s why she went quiet @K8ate ?!

Original poster

fourthousandmiles · 10/08/2023 20:22

Wow I didn't expect this thread to reappear at all.

Well, we did not have an affair in the end, my head was not turned and the feelings I thought I was developing for him are a distant memory.
I basically did all of this @RadishAndTwiglet and it definitely worked. We crossed paths another couple of times after I posted but kept it strictly professional, no more catch ups over lunches and steered away from small talk as much as I could. DH and I are stronger than ever and have actually just welcomed our second DD so are now adjusting to life as a family of 4. Life could have been very different if I had acted on it and I'm very glad I didn't.
Take the advice of some of these lovely posters @VelvetUndergrounds and it hopefully won't last long!

OP posts:

VelvetUndergrounds · 10/08/2023 20:28

@fourthousandmiles thank you. I want this to be my direction also xx

Original poster

fourthousandmiles · 10/08/2023 22:04

@VelvetUndergrounds it's so hard in that moment when your conflicted. Give yourself some perspective, I was sat watching DH and DD playing one evening and I thought this is where I want to be, nothing would have been worth ruining everyone's life, splitting up my family, potentially having to share custody of DD and losing my best friend. The what ifs just weren't worth exploring and risking it all.

OP posts:

VelvetUndergrounds · 10/08/2023 22:33

@fourthousandmiles I've definitely had this today, and realising the magnitude of any action I might take. And how many lives it would affect. It's the thoughts though, they're all-consuming. They're driving me wild. It's probably my age.

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