Long relationship. Can't work out if we are at the end or not..

[JoansBeadLark]

Me and DP have been going through what I would've previously called a 'rough patch' , but it's been going on for ages, most of this year in fact.

Very long relationship. We have a child but they are older so it's not the stress of young children.

We've had circumstantial problems but we always managed to overcome them so far, the impetus to be together and love I suppose. Recently things just seem to have broken down. The following is happening -

He works away a few days every fortnight and doesn't seem to miss me, like he used to contact me a lot but now not so much. He does still contact our dc with the same frequency though.

Less affection between us. Less spontaneous hugs and cuddles. I think both of us just don't feel it as much.

Sex seems a bit 'like a ticking box exercise for both of us. I've had some issues with my self esteem and admittedly on occasions have been a bit closed off during, not able to orgasm etc, but then that's only been some times, not all the time, and it's been an issue for many years and things were still good between us as he knows it's my self esteem not him. Maybe he has got sick of it.

More strained conversations and boredom. Longer silences. Nights where we can't find anything to watch on TV whereas before this wouldn't be as frequent and we would just be happy to be in each others company after a long day.

Just less understanding and kindness of each other and more mild contempt. For example today we were talking and he kept talking over me - not in an intentional way he was just animated - I said can I finish a sentence please. That would usually be okay but this time it turned into an argument. More minor things turning into arguments.

It's like he is stuck on one side and me on the other and neither wants to make any effort any more. I broke down crying last week and couldn't stop. Not as emotional manipulation or anything, just a build up of upset at how things have been. He did seem caring at the time said we'll fix it etc, but if anything this week he has been more distant.

I'm not sure what I'm asking. I suppose just a hand hold and any insight and if anyone else has been through this and what happened.

Have you talked to him about it? If so, what did he say? If not, what is it that stops you?

@Watchkeys Yes I've spoken to him about it over and over. He just maintains it's me 'causing hassle' or 'my issues' or that he is 'just comfortable'.

He is a terrible communicator, and to be fair - so am I. I tend to bring things up in a passive-aggressive way, like "you didn't hug me all week, you don't care about me".

The thing is, we've always had these communication styles - and things have still worked and still been mostly good between us for nearly two decades - so why do things seem to be falling apart now is what I am asking myself 🙁🙁

I think that's why I got so upset last week - because I've mainly just given up speaking about it because he doesn't seem to care. I think we both feel rejected and it's a stalemate.

He just maintains it's me 'causing hassle' or 'my issues' or that he is 'just comfortable

OK, so he completely dismisses your feelings. He doesn't care about helping you feel better or listening to what's bothering you, he just wants to do what makes him happy.

There's no love here. Sorry OP.

Sounds a lot like my marriage. Stale, distant, boring, nothing much to say to each other, nothing in common, no real interest in each other. I left 🤷‍♀️ which was totally the right decision for me and I have no regrets, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right decision for you OP. Would he engage in marriage counselling? It might help bring you back together, or at least help you clarify for yourself how you really feel and what you’d like to happen next.

@Watchkeys I think you could be right, sadly. He seems checked out. I think it's been a gradual thing.

It suits him being with me, because his parents had a bad split which affected him he doesn't want to split our family (although we are not married and dc older although at home ,finances separate so wouldn't impact him there). Also he doesn't have many friends so he can use me as a soundboard. Also to be blunt he likes oral sex, which he wouldn't get from a friend!!.

He just doesn't seem to care much if I am not happy anymore.

I suppose, I haven't really told him exactly what I need from him. It's like I have a block my whole life where I cannot ask people for things. Wouldn't matter anyway, I think he has checked out sadly.

@fuckwhatshouldido There's no way he'd do counselling. He 'doesn't believe' in counselling. May I ask how long you were together? Was your ex upset when you left?

Maybe you are both stuck in a rut & everything seems completely stale? Did you do
lock downs together? Have you been away since?

Could a change of scene and a 'make or break' short trip away help to relax and talk things over?

@Overthewine I know, it's just that nearly two decades is a lot to consider just ending. We've split briefly twice before and I really struggled emotionally (been together since I was late teens), so I guess I just dread the long time it would take me to get over it before I'd be happier. Hate being stuck in limbo though.

@Iamnotamermaid Yes things do seem stale. We've been away together twice last year when things opened up, but not for nearly a year. I have suggested we go away, and he seems interested - he even brings it up at times - but neither of us seem to get the motivation to actually do it. I think we are both wary that we'd end up arguing. We both love camping but sometimes if the weather is awful or get lost etc, then it can go either way - stressful or relaxing haha. I thought about suggesting we go to a nice place for walking but stay in a hotel.

I'm not quite sure what's keeping you together. Habit perhaps? Not married, no young DC, finances separate so you'd both be able to manage. Life is short, OP.

Sounds like he is ok with the way things are. Have you said to him in so many words that you are not happy and thinking of leaving?

@JoansBeadLark in that case I concur with this:
OK, so he completely dismisses your feelings. He doesn't care about helping you feel better or listening to what's bothering you, he just wants to do what makes him happy.

You can’t fix things on your own and it sounds like he’s happy with the status quo.
So really you just need to decide whether or not this is what you want for the rest of your life.

To answer your questions - I was with exDH for 10 years, married 7, much younger kids than yours, financially dependent on ex, the works. Had also been with him since I was very young (21) so had spent most of my adult life with him. Things had been going downhill for a while and in the end I just thought, I can’t do another 50 years of this. It felt like I was being slowly flattened and having all the joy sucked out of life. I realised that I barely recognised myself and I couldn’t imagine who I’d be after a lifetime of it.
I’m so, so much happier now. I feel like I’ve found myself again now there’s no one to put me down or tell me I can’t do xyz. I enrolled in OU (another of the many things exDH was hugely negative about) and i love it and am smashing it, if I say so myself! I feel like my world and my possibilities are wide open again.
I’m also now with an absolutely wonderful DP who’s shown me what a relationship can be and made me realise that there were huge issues in my marriage right from the start, which had I been a bit more experienced I like to think wouldn’t have tolerated as long as I did.

Why?😂