What to do when the sex isn't as good

[Thistooshallpass.]

Ex - turned out to be a weak man and a cheat . He was however very affectionate generally and great in bed . Generous and experienced. He was the first person I really "got" sex with . We had great chemistry and attraction and our styles just suited each other . Whilst many aspects of our relationship were probably lacking the sex always remained really good right up to the end .
Now I'm in a serious ltr with a man who is so much better for me in all ways ... except the sex . It's never been great - he's just not so experienced / confident and overthinks it all which can then impact performance. I end up frustrated and can't help but think that I'm never going to experience the lovely high of satisfying sex again . I'm being patient and not put any pressure on - I try and direct him to what I like .
It's really difficult to not think of the uncomplicated way me and my ex just worked in that way .

I also enjoyed sex best with my more abusive ex. But with my kind ex it was rubbish. I guess over time it might improve. It was strange with me because I split from.my nice ex and then Met the not so nice guy and I wanted him so much. My ex was heavy and I found it hard work to get comfortable. He also didn't ever give me oral sex. The whole thing didn't feel right.
When I got with the not so nice guy he was slim and a natural six pack. So he was comfortable for me. It felt easy to be wrapped around him and Comfortable. But for health reasons on his part sex stopped quite suddenly after 2 months. It was disappointing because I was just getting into have a good sex life.

It does feel disappointing x

Yes that's the thing - I got used to enjoying a part of life that I hadn't experienced before and now realise it's important to me . Disappointing to think might not have it again .

Yes I had the same experience. My bad boy ex was like an Olympic athlete in the sex department, very experienced, generous and could go all night. My lovely DH is a wonderful man, but sexually he is so hesitant and inexperienced. What can a girl do ! I'm super happy with DH but occasionally I remember the good times with ex.

I feel very jealous when I read of these people who have managed to find a man who is great in a relationship and good in bed ..

I could be wrong but I think there are possibly more than 2 men in the world.

Keep dating ..

Yes could do that ... but with small children , a mortgage and an otherwise very happy relationship it would seem abit of a leap to throw it all away just to look for a better sex life ... that may or may not happen !

I didnt realise you'd had children, bought a house etc with this man.... but would the above have been relatively clear from early on?

Not trying to be rude but what's the point of settling and accepting that, and then bemoaning the fact afterward.

*would the above not have been relatively clear from early on?

It's never been great

So it was clear.

Sounds like you prioritised having a partner you could settle with and have a family with, in spite of knowing you were not sexually compatible or he is not sexually confident/skilled.

Well the fact that he's 'overthinking' it is a positive - at least he's trying and so it sounds like he's being considerate. Seems like it's just his lack of confidence that's holding things back. Your post suggests that you'd like him it if he were to take control a bit more in bed - being proactive rather than reactive at sex? Not sure how you can get that out of him, but maybe try being a bit more dominant yourself to take the lead. Rather than simply trying to direct him to what you would like, take control and make it how you want it (assuming it's stuff he's ok with doing too). Maybe if he experiences you being dominant he'll start to learn from your lead and take the initiative himself a bit more.

Also, make it very clear (vocally, although you don't need to be loud enough to wake the neighbours) during sex when you are enjoying a particular act. The more naturally you communicate your pleasure, the more likely an attentive, but unconfident lover will read your signals.

Following...
Sex with my ex wasn't great amongst all the other things, but have experienced great sex with men I would nit be in a serious relationship with.
Now I am seeing a man who is everything the others weren't but sex is not good. Alcohol doesn't help and we are tackling that, but any slight stress or worry (not major things) will affect him. We don't live together and it's been less than a year, so if this doesn't improve I will seriously consider ending it.L because there have been a couple of other things that might contribute.
Such a shame because it was great at the start!

It always seems so hard to ge it all doesn't it.

There's always a " choice" to be Made. Do you have chemistry and great sex but with someone who's not good for you. Do you go with a great guy/girl who's good for you but lack chemistry. Or do you bumble along with a mediocre level guy who's jack of all trades master of none all of its tolerable but you are bored/neither satisfied or unsatisfied.

All if it destroys you in the end. It never works out and there's the horrible realisation that you have wasted what should have been the best years of the best sex in your life.

I've never made the right choice. I dont think I'll ever find one that has it all.

💐 for u op

I have the same issue, but from the other side maybe, the sex with my Ex was fantastic , but outside the bedroom she wasn’t particular pleasant to other people, new partner is really lovely and great to be with, but lacking in something in the bedroom, self confidence maybe, so all feels a bit lacking in excitement and passion.

Thankyou for all the good advice and it certainly seems I'm not alone in having this ex problem- maybe people with major character flaws are better in bed ?!
Current partner and I have been together a long time - but never addressed the problem. So will have to start from the beginning and hope it improves. He cares so much and wants to make it work but gets so anxious and then overthinks it all . Ex was more of worry about nothing ever and could just perform whatever was going on .