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Original poster

The ick with my husband

14 replies

Nextdoorscat76 · 19/05/2022 07:09

So I am really struggling with my marriage to my OH it’s got to the point where we are sleeping separately mainly due to his snoring and I can’t see him in that way anymore I don’t want to have sex with him and don’t want to share a bed with him again. My question is has anyone ever got over the ick or have people learnt to co parent successfully whilst living under the same roof? I have been trying to get him to accept a position of co parenting since late last year as I feel this is the only way I can provide stability for the kids as we were arguing like mad last year. Before you answer there are a few more factors, he snores at over 80 decibels I have measured him, he kept my eldest awake and me awake to the point i was getting around 4 hours sleep a night. He now sleeps in a separate rooms so we can get some sleep . He refused to go to the docs over a couple of issues a his snoring and b a wound on his leg finally c his impotence. He was in denial about that one for a while he has never really got the intimacy thing and I have always had to initiate any intimacy outside the bedroom and I have spoken to him on many occasions throughout our 12 years together. His solution was to give me a hall pass and he did this twice. His weeping sore on his leg which has been there for the best part of 3 years has turned out to be skin cancer so at the moment I am being there to support him through this I his life as he is the kids dad but I do not feel anything has changed tor me and the way I feel.

OP posts:
Lex345 · 19/05/2022 07:24

I suppose the question really is do you want to get over the ick? If you do, then there are things you can try to respark the relationship, but if you don't want to there is no point trying any of them.

Its OK that you don't feel it anymore. Its probably better to split whilst you can be amicable rather than wait for bitterness and resentment to set in.

To clarify, "hall pass", does this mean permission to have sex with someone else?

Sorry to hear about his leg, I hope that any treatment he has is successful.

MolliciousIntent · 19/05/2022 07:29

Just break up. "Co-parenting under the same roof" is only ever going to work if you're both incredibly mature, respectful communicators, and he obviously isn't. Raising your children in this weird psuedo-relationship with all the low level resentment will warp their sense of what healthy relationships look like.

gamerchick · 19/05/2022 07:34

Your set up isn't going to work OP. It has to come from both parties and he sounds insufferable.

Strawberrydelight55 · 19/05/2022 07:53

I understand because my children's dad was always snoring! We broke up. He gave me the ick too. It was just weird. After baby number 2 we had sex two or three times. He was wearing a condom and he was just laid on top of me for 45 minutes trying to force himself to finish. It was the most forced sex. But also I think the ick came from years of him walking around with his toe hanging out his sock. Moaning about work. Smelly breath. Always tired. Belly getting bigger. Then it was his clothes. He'd just buy unflattering tshirts from asda or wherever that never suited him. He'd had one pair of jeans and his trainers had holes in. He had no interest in style or favourite brands etc. He was a nice looking guy in terms of his face and stuff. But he just seemed clueless and I didn't fancy him anymore.

We are still needing to sell our house. I have had another relationship and stayed at his as much as I could. But we ended.

Its not the best circumstances for children. My kids know we don't share a bed and we are split. But you just don't flow when you are living together bur apart. You don't wanna spend time with them. When we go out very rarely as a family I wanna wear a t shirt that says I'm single not with him. It's hard. It gets itriating. Like will you still cook for him? Wash his Clothes?

I understand and the only advice I can give is not to force it. If you can't be together anymore then have the talk. It's not his fault he snores. But if the attraction has gone it's not likely to return x

D0lphine · 19/05/2022 08:06

Love.

Please don't get over the ick. Please don't.

He is being completely unreasonable over the snoring. Did you know that if your workplace noise is over 60 decibels you get ear plugs because it damages your hearing. So 80 decibels is seriously, seriously loud. You were entirely reasonable to sleep in separate beds.

Re the cancer, it must be awful for him but honestly a grown man should have gone to the doctor after a week or two at most. Ignoring something for three years is ridiculous.

Why would you want to stay in the same house as this man?

I would tell him he can stay for cancer treatment and some recovery and then he needs to leave and get a divorce. You clearly want to be with other people (which I don't blame you tbh) so in a few years you could have met someone else really special.

KangarooKenny · 19/05/2022 08:08

How old are you ? I’d say I got the ick during my peri menopause.

KangarooKenny · 19/05/2022 08:11

I’m in a very similar situation. We now sleep separately due to his snoring. We haven’t had sex for a couple of years, my DH also would not seek help for his bedroom problems.
There are other things that have happened, but basically we are two people living in a house. We seem to have come to an agreement that we will live this way. It’s just developed this way.

Original poster
Nextdoorscat76 · 19/05/2022 18:08

I am 40 but signs yet I thought of that but he has irritated me for years

OP posts:
Original poster
Nextdoorscat76 · 19/05/2022 18:11

Hall pass I could go and find someone to have sex with. The first time he said it he qualified it as long as you stay with me and you are happy. I ignored it and eventually persuaded him that he was actually suffering from anxiety and he needed help. The second time he said it a year later he told me to be be clean and discreet!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nextdoorscat76 · 19/05/2022 18:14

I actually feel it is his fault he snores he has gained over 6 stone in weight and doesn’t try to lose it his doctor has told him to lose weight but he won’t admit he has sleep apnoea and isn’t really pursuing any help

OP posts:
Lex345 · 19/05/2022 19:10

Oh dear, he isnt really helping himself then. I would find the refusal to seek help on things that bother you AND they way he told you to have sex with someone else really disrespectful and no wonder you have got the ick.

It really depends on whether you want to get rid of it or not-and even then, on how willing he is to work on it.

KangarooKenny · 19/05/2022 21:16

Resentment is the real relationship killer. How resentful are you towards him ?

Original poster
Nextdoorscat76 · 19/05/2022 22:13

I have got past my resentment as it was so massive it nearly consumed me it creeps in now and again

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/05/2022 22:19

The way you are living is an absolutely horrible example to be setting for your children. The dysfunction in your relationship is staggering. For the sake of your kids, put an end to this toxic nightmare. It's just a farce.

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