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Relationships

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Original poster

We broke up. How to navigate the handover of belongings?

17 replies

Bagoshite · 19/05/2022 00:03

I ended our long relationship 2 weeks ago. I've posted a few times about it. Basically 3 years ago he started shagging someone else. We worked through it. Then I found out he'd been messaging her again. As a friend (allegedly, she has a boyfriend now), except she was never his friend, she's vile and previously harassed us both while his mum was terminally ill to the point I had to threaten her with the police.

Anyway hes already moved on and they are now friends on Facebook. Which is another joke. They're both pondlife, and clearly have no respect for themselves. I hope they both have the shitty horrible lives they deserve.

In the meantime he's badgering me for his 'stuff' back (we didn't live together, but he has a few things here, tools and tech equipment mainly. He wants me to meet him to hand it over, or for me to send one of my adult DC. He lives 3 hours away but is in the area (about 30 mins away) over the weekend so wants his stuff then. Oh and he'd like to be friends with me. No fucking chance.

I've said I'm not meeting him, and I don't want to involve my children. I've offered to leave it in our garage (unlocked) - is that fair enough?

Frankly I feel like taking a hammer to all of it. I despise him and taking out my anger on his pike of crap is tempting. I know I should rise above it but at the moment I want to cause him pain like hes hurt me. He clearly couldn't give a shiny shite about me, maybe destroying all his crap (that he doesn't need back and won't use - lawnmower but he lives in a flat kind of thing) will actually cause him to feel something. I suspect I'm pissing into the wind but I hate feeling so invisible and powerless.

OP posts:

Houseplantmad · 19/05/2022 00:04

You're good to leave it in the garage. I'd leave it in bin bags outside.

Honeyroar · 19/05/2022 00:14

Absolutely reasonable to leave it in the garage for him. And tell him you don’t want any contact with him or to remain friends. And tell him he absolutely must get it that weekend or else pay for storage elsewhere.

Original poster

Bagoshite · 19/05/2022 00:39

I thought leaving it in the garage was fair enough, I don't really care about anything he still has of mine if I'm honest.

I don't want to see him and definitely don't want to speak to him. This lets be friends shit is so irritating. Why would I want to be friends with someone who's treated me so badly?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 19/05/2022 00:48

I would be telling him that he can retrieve it in the garage between whatever hours you designate, he may not come to your door. If he does, you will not answer, and if he persists, you will call the police. If he does not pick up his belongings during the time you specify, they will be thrown away.

Do not engage in any form of conversation, debate, or compromise over this. He either get his things when you allow him to or they are gone forever. His choice.

brokengoalposts · 19/05/2022 00:48

Fling it all out of an upstairs window, he'll soon pick it up. Seriously though, garage is fine.

ShandaLear · 19/05/2022 04:54

‘Your stuff will be in a bin liner in the porch at from 1.30pm-2.30pm on Saturday afternoon. I have no wish to see you or speak to you. If it is still there at 2-30pm I’ll assume you don’t want it and I’ll bin it.”

WhatsInAMolatovMocktail · 19/05/2022 05:14

Leave it in bin bags on the doorstep. If it is technical stuff, dick with him abit and don't give him all the cables etc. Don't answer the door if he rings.

Strawberrydelight55 · 19/05/2022 06:47

Sending you a hug. My ex has had 5 weeks and has choose to ignore my email regarding his things. Hes got important stuff at mine like his passport and photos. People keep telling me to box it up and dump it on his step. Which is 3 miles away. I don't drive! So I thought long and hard and decided when he wants it he can inform me how he's going to get it himself. Because I refuse to stress about it anymore. Hopefully when he does I can just drop it outside on my doorstep and he can get it and I won't need to even see him. Its awkward but it's there problem. My ex is playing games in regards tonhis stuff and choosing to ignore me. You should absolutely do what you decide.

Sorry he being a pig. My ex needed attention from women. He had exes. He had his brothers exes. He had women from his school days. He had his ex wife's sister! Honestly he had some sort of screwed up head. But he was also cruel and abusive.

I hope you find your happiness soon. As someone from his family Said to describe My boyfriend

"He can't do a relationship, nobody is worthy of him, he always wants more than he has and can't see a good thing when it lands in his lap, he will rot with his dogs" "I saw it with his last relationship too, same old story"

Hold your head up high xx

Strawberrydelight55 · 19/05/2022 06:50

P.s his offer off friendship could be to triangulate you, keep you as an option or to play emotional games. My ex had his ex as a friend and she was pathetic to be honest..he had done a right number on her, cheating, lying, texting women, borrowing money, drinking all the money away. 3 years on she still clings to him and destroys any attempt of his moving on..
Don't ever become that woman. Set yourself free x

gonnascreamsoon · 19/05/2022 06:59

I agree with PP who said YOU tell him when to pick his crap up i.e at a time/day that suits YOU.

Who gives a toss whether this weekend is better for HIM because he's already 'in the area' ffs ?

I'd be texting/emailing him ''You can pick up your stuff, which will be in bin bags in front of my (locked )garage between 3pm and 4pm on Tues.(Or whenever bin day is) If your stuff is still there at 4pm, I will be putting it in the bin for collection by bin men.''

Then BLOCK him.

If he calls at your door, you don't answer. (Make sure you're out all day on the day he suggested he collect his stuff)

Fuck him. Why the hell should you STILL be 'expected' to make HIS bloody life 'easier' ffs ?

Original poster

Bagoshite · 19/05/2022 08:14

Thanks. As someone once said to me, people sink to their own natural level. I made the mistake of thinking he's better than he is I suppose.

He's not replied to my saying he can collect it from the garage. As I'd not said a time, I'll give him to later today, and then send him a message saying it will be there from 2pm or whatever. I'll be able to see from the outside camera when he turns up, so can avoid having to see him face to face.

I don't think being friends with an Ex works other than in a few specific situations, and certainly not where one person's been unfaithful. The way he's treated me is so disrespectful, I would want better than that from a friend, let alone a partner.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bagoshite · 19/05/2022 18:13

The good news is he's agreed to my suggestion.

The bad news is he then added several long paragraphs about how we should be able to be civil to each other and to speak to each other face to face etc, all the efforts he's made (!) And so on.

Is it even worth responding? Problem is whatever I say, i won't get through to him. His version:

Not responding: makes me rude, arrogant, unable to have any kind of discussion or deal with conflict

Responding with how I actually feel: that's me rewriting history, twisting events to suit myself, having to win the argument and have the last word.

Pointless either way.

OP posts:

ShandaLear · 19/05/2022 18:48

Do not respond. That’s exactly what he wants. Lock yourself in or go out on Saturday. You are under no obligation to talk to him and he can’t make you.

Loopytiles · 19/05/2022 18:51

Ignore!

Original poster

Bagoshite · 19/05/2022 19:01

It bugs me because I KNOW he will be telling his family and the ex OW (who is now his best mate of course) 'oh I've offered to be Bagoshite's friend, but she won't even reply that's how ignorant she is. She can't even have a mature discussion/ admit she's wrong'.

But replying will mean he'll just slag me off in a different way of course.

I'm definitely not going to see or talk to him.

OP posts:

Longdistance · 19/05/2022 19:28

You choose your own friends and they don’t treat you like shit, so there’s no point. You don’t want to see him and that’s your right. If he doesn’t collect it by the weekend, take it to the tip.

Original poster

Bagoshite · 19/05/2022 21:11

Yeah except I have no friends, not really. I have reached out, as suggested on here to people who would probably call themselves my friends. One has been kind, but has her own shit going on so I can't burden her too much. Two others said the usual platitudes and I've not heard a peep since, they're clearly not interested. A couple more haven't even addressed it. They responded to other things in the message I sent, so clearly know, but have nothing to say. And what's the point in telling anyone else, it will just be more of the same.

And my life currently isn't great. I'm upset about lots of things though this breakup is the major one. And I have no one. I've had him for all these years and I have nothing now. He was the person who was always on my side, no matter what. The pain of not having that is shit it really is.

I've just struggled for 2 hours to do a job in the garden because my adult children won't help and I feel at my wit's end. With that, with life, with all of it and having no one on my side,. I don't know how to get through this 😭

OP posts:

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