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Original poster

Anxious whilst dating

13 replies

leonardo871 · 18/05/2022 15:03

I admittedly had a huge amount of anxiety during early dating.

I found I could self sabotage, have poor boundaries and overthink early interactions with a romantic partner. I would also make assumptions of how interested they are either way without much evidence - I would then go onto ask everyone - friends and family what they think about my latest partner who I had just met. I would then bore them to tears about the intricies of a second date with a random.

Thankfully around two years ago I noticed this pattern and paid a fortune in therapy and listened to every pod cast under the sun I could find to educate myself about relationships and dating, attachment style and low self esteem. Although I have met a few people during this time; I have managed to learn so much and avoid situations which would not have served me well.

However, I am still finding my anxiety being triggered. I met a guy at the gym a couple of months ago - we are due to meet again this Saturday. It is now Wednesday and he has not confirmed times and place. Due to his lack of confirmation; I have it in my head it is over, he is married/cheater, he is not interested. Despite him texting me every couple of days thoughful messages, not love bombing and being entirely respectful throughout our courting process thus far. I take responsibility that I may be the one who is anxious - he has probably not given a woman he has spent less than 8 weeks with nearly as much thought.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom with how I can rein in this anxiety and stop the 'pickme' dance I used to do in its tracks before I sabotage the most promising connection I have had in about 3 years?!

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 18/05/2022 17:04

Why does this guy matter so much to you? Do you actually know him?

I'd be looking into that. I'd imagine you're wanting to date him because dating fills a hole in your psyche that you probably ought to be filling yourself, so, if he lets you down, you'll feel like you've lost a limb.

What's your self respect like? Do you think you're wonderful? Would you date you? If not, why not, and how can you change that?

PetersRabbitt · 18/05/2022 17:10

I think your doing great!! Your aware you do this and are actively trying to keep it in check so kudos to you.

Gym guy sounds great!! Does he have muscles? 😁
I wouldn’t think it means anything bad, maybe he hasn’t thought of a time or place yet? Maybe his waiting for you to say? Leave it until 4-5 hours before hand on the day then ask. It’s hard but try to relax and go with the flow…see what happens.

PetersRabbitt · 18/05/2022 17:14

Just seen it’s not until Saturday, that’s ages away, ask Friday night if he hasn’t said by then.

Original poster
leonardo871 · 18/05/2022 17:30

Watchkeys · 18/05/2022 17:04

Why does this guy matter so much to you? Do you actually know him?

I'd be looking into that. I'd imagine you're wanting to date him because dating fills a hole in your psyche that you probably ought to be filling yourself, so, if he lets you down, you'll feel like you've lost a limb.

What's your self respect like? Do you think you're wonderful? Would you date you? If not, why not, and how can you change that?

This is great advice and yes - I barely know him. I have no idea what sort of person he is. I am projecting a fantasy of him without any evidence at present of who he is.

He just seems so promising - I have not fancied someone as much for 2/3 years. Is this limerance?

I have suffered from low self esteem from poor relationships and as equally as poor friendships and have worked very hard on boundaries and self respect. None the less - it does not take much to get me into a tail spin whilst dating and I appreciate how unhinged I can sound from coming to the conclusions and assumptions as above.

A couple of years ago I called it off with a guy after about this time and he was livid as he said he was keen - however me causing 'drama' (understandably so - I texted him to dump him as I assumed he was not interested) made him run a mile. This was the turning point of seeking therapy.

OP posts:
Original poster
leonardo871 · 18/05/2022 17:32

PetersRabbitt · 18/05/2022 17:10

I think your doing great!! Your aware you do this and are actively trying to keep it in check so kudos to you.

Gym guy sounds great!! Does he have muscles? 😁
I wouldn’t think it means anything bad, maybe he hasn’t thought of a time or place yet? Maybe his waiting for you to say? Leave it until 4-5 hours before hand on the day then ask. It’s hard but try to relax and go with the flow…see what happens.

Yes he is gorgeous 😍

OP posts:
Suprima · 18/05/2022 17:36

I read your other thread and despite posters normalising this behaviour- he really doesn’t sound like he’s into you.

he only texts you every other date for Christ’s sake. That isn’t normal. Why haven’t you got nice plans for Saturday pinned? Chatting excitedly about where you will go? Is he expecting you to wait around until he decides to grace you with a time and a plan.

when a man is keen- you’ll know and you won’t be confused. Nothing you have written about this man suggests he’s head over heels for you or anything reassuring. 2 months should be you guys beginning to define the relationship, and planning a dirty weekend- not hanging onto weekly texts and loose plans.

a lot of what women believe is ‘anxiety’ or ‘clinginess’ is actually our gut wanting more, or to feel more secure. And there is nothing wrong with that.

out of interest- where do you go on your dates? Or are you mainly meeting up for sex and ‘hanging out with each other’?

Original poster
leonardo871 · 18/05/2022 17:39

Suprima · 18/05/2022 17:36

I read your other thread and despite posters normalising this behaviour- he really doesn’t sound like he’s into you.

he only texts you every other date for Christ’s sake. That isn’t normal. Why haven’t you got nice plans for Saturday pinned? Chatting excitedly about where you will go? Is he expecting you to wait around until he decides to grace you with a time and a plan.

when a man is keen- you’ll know and you won’t be confused. Nothing you have written about this man suggests he’s head over heels for you or anything reassuring. 2 months should be you guys beginning to define the relationship, and planning a dirty weekend- not hanging onto weekly texts and loose plans.

a lot of what women believe is ‘anxiety’ or ‘clinginess’ is actually our gut wanting more, or to feel more secure. And there is nothing wrong with that.

out of interest- where do you go on your dates? Or are you mainly meeting up for sex and ‘hanging out with each other’?

Yep. Thats what I am worried about. Maybe its not anxiety and he is just unavailable.

OP posts:
Original poster
leonardo871 · 18/05/2022 17:39

Suprima · 18/05/2022 17:36

I read your other thread and despite posters normalising this behaviour- he really doesn’t sound like he’s into you.

he only texts you every other date for Christ’s sake. That isn’t normal. Why haven’t you got nice plans for Saturday pinned? Chatting excitedly about where you will go? Is he expecting you to wait around until he decides to grace you with a time and a plan.

when a man is keen- you’ll know and you won’t be confused. Nothing you have written about this man suggests he’s head over heels for you or anything reassuring. 2 months should be you guys beginning to define the relationship, and planning a dirty weekend- not hanging onto weekly texts and loose plans.

a lot of what women believe is ‘anxiety’ or ‘clinginess’ is actually our gut wanting more, or to feel more secure. And there is nothing wrong with that.

out of interest- where do you go on your dates? Or are you mainly meeting up for sex and ‘hanging out with each other’?

Dates are mostly dinners and walks. Kissed but no sex.

OP posts:
seensome · 18/05/2022 19:05

Trust your judgment don't be so quick to say it's down to you being anxious, maybe a bit but it's there for good reason, our minds sense something isn't right before we really want to admit it.

Original poster
leonardo871 · 18/05/2022 19:07

seensome · 18/05/2022 19:05

Trust your judgment don't be so quick to say it's down to you being anxious, maybe a bit but it's there for good reason, our minds sense something isn't right before we really want to admit it.

I know; but I have pulled the plug before without letting things progress organically and regretted it. Impulsively breaking up with guys I think I went too far the other way. My plan is to see what happens this weekend - any cancellations or funny business I will call it off then. ❤️

OP posts:
seensome · 18/05/2022 19:08

Good plan and hopefully he'll be chasing you about the date.

Original poster
leonardo871 · 18/05/2022 19:10

seensome · 18/05/2022 19:08

Good plan and hopefully he'll be chasing you about the date.

I replied to his message today with heart eye emoji - is that too much? Other than that I am not mentioning Saturday again.

If I knew a guy I was dating had made a thread like this about me I would run a mile. I feel like there is something wrong with me 😔

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 18/05/2022 19:31

Just carry on your life as if you hadn't met him and enjoy the messages and meetings when they happen.

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