Struggling to deal with break up with these circumstances

[Getawaygerty]

Has anyone else broken up with someone due to wanting different things but where you both still love each other? How did you manage the transition and did you remain friends if there was no wrongdoing or arguments on either side? Im struggling to let go but he didn’t want any kids and i wanted to have at least one of my own so after much debating I did leave but I still feel very much tied to him and that relationship. I have seen many threads on here over the years about men not wanting any/ anymore kids and the women not sure what to do so would be helpful to hear how others got through it?

You need to not try and be friends now. Or maybe you will decide you value the relationship over the other options - but you will need to try and make that decision without him in your head.

@Peppertrials I’m struggling to just cut off. I know that’s what I need to do but the thought of us untangling completely just makes me feel so sad. If we hated each other it would be so much easier to cut those ties.

It’ll be harder on you in the long run to stay friends. And it will potentially get in the way of you moving on emotionally and being available for someone else who might want the same things as you.

Are you able to get short term counselling? It may help you put in place coping techniques, and also to get full clarity on what you want. You could also get a pet to address some of the loneliness and distract you :)

@ColdColdColdColdCold are you cold? 🤣 I know, I wish he would start seeing someone to give me that push to move on. It seems stupid for me to not be able to let go given the reason I left! I need some sense talking into me and I guess that’s why I came on here.

@Peppertrials I don’t think I need counselling I just need to stop looking back. I know that I want to give myself a shot at having kids or at least not to be with someone who takes that decision away from me. It’s just hard to stop loving someone so quickly. A pet is a good idea but I am in the process of buying my own house and staying with family in the meantime so I can’t get one yet. 😞

It sounds very hard and try not be tough on yourself that you aren’t moving forward quickly. I think try and distract yourself as much as possible - try and get excited about the new home for example and how you can decorate it? Book a holiday with a friend that your ex wouldn’t have wanted to go on?

@Peppertrials me and my friends have booked a holiday in August so I have that to look forward to. I just keep thinking what if this is it now for me? What if I don’t meet someone? I’m 35 and have taken such a big risk.

Separated with the father of my lovely step children because he wanted to move to another country for work and I couldn't bear to take my (then) very young DC from their grandparents and wider family. It was sad as we we're such a good match, but it was the right thing to do and his DC (older teens) continued to live with me and my DC until they left for uni. We're still very good friends, and his children still call me mama killjoy. It was heartbreaking for a long time though, but I'm glad we managed to stay close - albeit in different countries!

@FabulousKilljoys did you both go on to meet other people? And did you have to cut contact for a little while to get rid of the romantic feelings and did you maintain contact all the way through? Sorry for all the questions!

*or

@Getawaygerty I was single for a few years then went on to meet my now exh and had more DC.

My lovely exdp also married and is still very happy with his wife. She's also become a valued long distance friend to me.

Ideally it would've been good to cut contact for a while, but with his teen DC deciding to stay living with me in the U.K. it wasn't possible because we had to keep up communication regarding them. We did try to keep it solely to discussing them, but ended up realising we were essentially really good friends and it would be a shame to lose that.

Not quite the same but I left a "situanship" because the man I was with at the time wasn't willing/ready to have a child (with me or at all). We genuinely got on very well, and there was a lot of love, chemistry etc but ultimately for me having a chance to try to conceive was more important than staying with someone who was actively preventing me from having that chance.

I was 38/39 at the time, and had no time to waste, so after much deliberation decided to do it alone using a sperm donation. I was extremely fortunate that the IVF treatment was successful first time and the pregnancy and birth straightforward. My son is here and is amazing. Now looking back retrospectively, I only feel regret for not trying sooner. No man or relationship is worth giving up the chance to try and have your own child (ren) if that's what you want. I love being a parent, even though I'm on my own and it can be very tough at times, it's the best thing I've done and the making of me. I definitely feel more content and calm now.

I'm in contact/friendly terms with that person but even if I wasn't I don't think I'd care to be honest. Your priorities literally shift towards the child and making sure they have everything they need. There's very little room for naval gazing!

You have done the right thing. Based on my own opinion having a child is such a huge chapter of your life. It's a never ending experience. But it's also the journey. The pregnancy. The labour and birth to get there. Its a very special time in life and to give that up is just sad. To never create your own family unit if that's wanted is so sad.

In terms of how you are currently feeling, it's very understandable. I'm recently single and we were not right due to his abusive personality and he would make me cry every week. But I still hurt. People tell me it's re mapping your brain. Which it is. It's a huge step.

I wouldn't advise you to stay friends. It would slow down your recovery time. But also it just will get messy further down the line. My ex was still friends with his ex and after 3 years she was still acting like he belonged to her. She'd message him to express she wasn't happy about xyz on his Facebook. She hated me. Didn't like the fact we were together. He allowed it and looking back he was clearly enjoying the drama and games. Qsk yourself how you'll feel in 6 months or a year if he's with someone new.

You need to concentrate now on yourself. Good luck.