I just can't get myself right since relationship ended

[Strawberrydelight55]

I've written a couple of posts last week. I'm.so sorry if I come across as weak or pathetic. I'm not trying to be. I'm holding my tears in today and I'm trying to be happy..I've taken my son for ice cream and walked through the park. I've come home and I still feel sad. Nothing seems be helping. I've had 3 therapy sessions.

My ex boyfriend was a very difficult relationship. He worked in a pattern and it got cloudy and confusing quite early on. I tried my best to get away from the relationship but because he was "vunerable" I stayed and forgave many times. His behaviours would take me a long time to explain so I'll try keep it short. My other 2 posts may explain too..

he basically was great at first. Charming. Full of ideas. Older than me. Seemed great at conversations. We got along great. Then gradually over time I experienced a range of things including

Shouting
Swearing at me.
Women were always in the equation.
Obsessed with his ex
Needing Money all the time.
He had health issues which stopped our sex but I caught him lying to me one weekend. He pretended he was texting a male cousin who showed me evidence they were not. So he was hiding something.
Subtle hints at changing my appearance.
Compared our rows to the ones he had with his Ex saying i was worse. Yet he was the one shouting.

I ended up always focused on him and going to him and Helping him. Now I'm back in my own world I've started to do loads more again for myself. I've been for days out sigh friends. Took my kids out. Got myself soms new things to Wear. Getting more jobs done at home. But I still feel lost.

I don't see the point to my life now he's gone. Yet I don't like him..I know he will be talking to someone else. I know he's probably moved on. But I still can't handle that thought either.

What is wrong with me.

I haven't read your other posts, but from what you've said here, his behaviour (which was not born of vulnerability, BTW, but because he was unpleasant and controlling) has done a real number on your confidence and sense of self. There is a big void now which was previously filled with running around helping and appeasing him, second guessing everything because he'd put himself at the centre of your life and your thoughts. It will take time to get over that but you can and will.

Prioritise yourself and your children, spending time with people who are good for you and to you and the way you feel now won't be the way you feel in even a few months.

Your boundaries, perhaps already skewed by poor treatment within your own family and/or past abusive relationships, have been further harmed by this abusive man now. These men are master manipulators and they actively seek out women to abuse. They hate women too, ALL of them. Its not your fault you were taken in by someone like this so please do not blame yourself. At least you are now free of him and his inherent abuse. There is a point to life here, not least of all your son. You can teach him good relationship models. How helpful is your therapist here; is this person well versed in the dynamics around abuse and abusive relationships?.

Please look at the Freedom Programme online and if possible do this in person as part of a group.

Love your own self for a change and also read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

It takes awhile to get over any relationship but longer if it was an awful one because your mind needs time to heal from all the upset and drama

Every time a thought pops into your head about something he said or did and how low it made you feel, try and rewrite it like a film and have him fall over or you give a witty reply that shuts him up.

It's surprising how your imagination can overturn the hurt and upset into making you feel better about yourself.

Thank you for the nice replies. It was at a point where he would happily kick me out at 3am. He was always stopping me expressing my feelings and emotions. I don't know why but he seemed to still be in awe of his ex. Even though he treated her badly too with other women and being an alcoholic its like he cares more about her now. He was treating me like I hadnt earned the title she had. Well at least it felt that way. I don't get it. It was me providing him with food and money and she was still the girl he shared the history with so would not be cut off.

I'm so emotionally exhausted. He's moved house and won't communicate with me and I have his jewellery, clothes, passport, photos and various other things in my spare room. He ignores my emails etc. I don't know where he's living and can't understand what he's trying to achieve. He's had 4 weeks now to talk.

I hat about a self help book? This one looks good -

'The way and the tools to heal yourself

This book is the seamless continuation of Jackson MacKenzie's book "Psychopath Free". The focus here is entirely shifted to the healing process. The saying "Time heals all wounds" is not true for survivors of toxic relationships.

The advice "Just get over it" does not work either. A breakup from a relationship with an abusive character leaves an emotional wound in the victim that doesn't heal by itself.

To cover this wound the body and mind create a subconscious work-around that takes over which is called "protective self". But this creates new problems, e.g. seeking worthiness in accomplishments, people pleasing, care taking, perfectionism, or even addictions to distract from painful feelings and emotions.

Jackson MacKenzie plausibly and authentically describes how this wound can be healed permanently. Different personality types will find tailored explanations how to identify the patterns of the protective self, to deconstruct it, and finally to resolve the wound. These sections provide the insights to develop the proper mind-set and to shift the perspective about the abuse and abuser. It is the shift from "I'm a bad, unworthy person" to "It happened to me, but it has nothing to do with my person".

Based on this new perspective and understanding, healing is finally possible. Reading this book alone does not heal. Healing is not a cognitive process of logical thinking either.

To become whole again means feeling your feelings and releasing them by practicing mindful meditation on a daily basis. Eventually external measures of worth are replaced by healthy unconditional self-love from within yourself.'

How about a self help book ^

Photo would help!

Your situation sound similar to mine.

Two year “relationship” ended almost four weeks ago.

He was verbally and emotionally abusive, never hit me but did push me, throw things, put holes in walls etc.

He had an awful childhood, including being in care. Didn’t trust anyone, including me, despite him sleeping with his ex and talking to and probably sleeping with other women throughout. He would love bomb me one day, then leave the next. Every week or so without fail - things would be amazing, tensions would build, huge argument about nothing and then he would leave and not speak to me until I’d begged for days.

He’d open up and cry about how much he loved me, needed me near him all the time, constant reassurance that I loved him, would say I didn’t love him like he loved me….then get mad because he couldn’t trust me, didn’t want me going out, wasn’t even allowed fucking social media, and leave again.

This is the longest we’ve ever not spoken, I did text a bit previously but he’s ignored everyone and blocked me everywhere.

He’s a dickhead, it’s hard and there have been times I’ve felt physically I’ll because I miss him but it’s not real, I’m trauma bonded and I start therapy on Monday.

I wouldn’t have the lazy, abusive twat back if he turned up at my door with a golden dick and wrapped in £50 notes. He can go and suffer with whoever he thought was better, and I pity the poor girl that ends up with him. He’s a mess.

I do want him to contact me just so I can tell him to fuck off, but I doubt he will.

My point of this long post is, these men are not men. They do not deserve us and I know it’s hard, believe me I know, but you HAVE to keep going. You are allowed to miss him, you are allowed to struggle, but don’t ever go back.

Ive got posts on here I was writing a year ago begging for help to get free and I kept going back, what an absolute waste of time. I’m not wasting anymore and you shouldn’t either x

Nothing is wrong with you! It’s normal to feel this way even if the relationship was shit. Like you said, you don’t even like him but obviously it’s a massive change so your missing ‘something’ but not him, your just missing the familiarity that’s all. Perfectly normal and you will adjust in time.
Even doing happy things doesn’t feel enough because it takes time, time will heal you but you have to wait it out and just keep going.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! I think how you are feeling is completely normal after a relationship ends. So be easy on yourself. Things will get better, much better.

When I was in a similar situation, like you at first I did things to keep myself busy - but that was the only reason I was doing them (because to sit at home with only my thoughts was too painful). I didn't necessarily have fun or look forward to doing them. But gradually over time I did start to have fun and enjoy things again. But it took time. That old cliche. Several months. Still, not as bad as my first serious relationship took me many years to properly get over - I felt pathetic about that at the time. Now I'm more accepting that heartbreak is normal, and painful.

Look after yourself OP, you have made the right decision to end things and give yourself a much happier future.

Nothing is wrong with you. It just takes time, it took me a good couple of years to finally feel myself again after an abusive relationship.

Thank you so much @ElenaSt
I will look at the book. Exactly people don't get it now. Family were great at first with the shock of what I told them. Now they just say oh just box him up and forget him now. Like it's that easy. I'm constantly going around in circles of what stuff actually meant now etc.

@SophSoSo
Oh wow that does sound so similar and I'm so sorry. I understand so much. I'd get myself in trouble for the littlelest things. Like he'd wake up a moody tired grump and I'd say perhaps I should come later when you feel better. He'd get angry and fall out with me and punish me. It was truly horrible. The ex was as bad as him. She'd never leave us alone. She'd be sending him jelous questions about me every other month. It was too much and it made me boil that he still wanted to keep her in his life. We are about the same amount of time into our splits then. I'm not sure the therapist I have is that great to be honest. I didn't feel I got much out of the last session for £40.

@pitterypattery00
Yes it does feel like I'm faking it to make it. I just don't feel I'm content. Even when I'm doing an activity he's sitting in my mind like he never goes away. Within 5 minutes of waking up I end up going on my old Facebook account where I'm not blocked to see if I can catch him moved on.

@PetersRabbitt

Yes it's exactly that. I get songs in my head that he used to play and I think back to those early weeks getting ready to go and meet him in town. I miss waking up and having a coffee with him. I miss taking the dog to play with a ball at the local park with him. I miss him cooking spaghetti bolongnese whilst I have a bath. Yet he was horrible and when he used to throw me out it used to terrify me that someone who loves you can stop caring for you instantly.

Do your very, very best not to look at what he’s doing.

It will only delay you moving on.

I saw some brilliant advice on here; every time your mind wanders to him or you’re tempted to check his page, scream ME, ME, ME in your head to focus on you. YOU are what’s important here, not him. YOU need to put that energy you spend thinking about him back into you. It’s working for me.

It doesn’t matter what he’s doing. Say he has met someone else and has moved on, do you think he’s happy?! Do you think she will be happy in a few months time when his true colours show?

HE is a deeply damaged person, he will never be truly happy. The biggest revenge is that we will eventually be ok and happy, they will always be who they are.

@SophSoSo

That's good advice and I know I'm only hurting myself as I don't wanna know. I have to keep reminding myself that he can't do a relationship. He's skint. Depressed. Selfish and angry. I didn't ever get center stage in the relationship. Everyday was about him. I don't understand why his Ex gets his focus and I can't. Especially when I've done everything for him. It's like he's shown no emotion to the breakup and that's hard.

I will Try the me me me thing. How are you feeling now? Do you still feel stuck in the memories? I think my ex was getting close to wanting to hurt me in the end. He said that if he touched me to move him out his space I'd go running to the police. I didn't know what that meant. But I didn't understand the hatred he was suddenly showing. Have you and your ex swapped stuff etc. Are you fully out eachothers lives?

My ex had nonrelationships with his family anymore either. He was literally alone. I sometimes think if he met a girl with a car and more money he'd have a happier relationship. I gave him all my spare cash and we couldn't afford to go out because of it..plus he never got a car sorted I ended up getting us takeaway and trying to give us something. He had chronic back pain too. All he could focus on in the end was that. Just pain killers and going to bed at 7pm. Angry and confused. But even before the pain killers he was on he was difficult. He's just an overall nightmare. Smoked weed too and he always could get the money for that. My birthday was early April and we fell out four days before. He text me on my birthday to say his electric was off and he had no fags. So I went down and he got his shoes on to go round the shop with me. He said I haven't got you a card or a present but I will when I have money. He had £100 2 days before after paying his bills. Yet he couldn't use £1 to get me a card.

@Strawberrydelight55 how funny, mine always had money for weed too.

Fuck all for bills, and like you I never had a Christmas or birthday gift/card but always money for weed.

He’s a waste of space.