Want to leave but don’t think I can

[Cloudylawn]

Our marriage is clearly over. We’ve had counselling and really tried to work things but we are both miserable. I want to separate, he doesn’t but I think would be relatively amicable if it came to it.

The problem is I have spoken to a lawyer and our mortgage adviser and I think we are going to have a financial problem. We are both low earners. We have a nice little house at the moment as he had a legacy from his grandmother so even though our wages are low we were able to get a mortgage. Mortgage adviser has said though that neither of us will be able to afford to buy the other out of the house which would be necessary so the other could set up a small home (we’d want the kids 50:50). He showed what we’d each be able to each afford if we sold the hold and tried to buy separately. I had a look on right move and only 5 places came up in this bracket and they were awful, in rough areas and falling apart. Looking at renting instead there wasn’t a single place I could afford so I would have to use my share of house equity to pay rent and bills which seems an awful waste and then what happens once that money is gone?

I don’t have/want a fancy lifestyle, just a small, safe place for my kids but I feel leaving is just risking pushing them into poverty. I am trying to get extra hours at work and applying for better paid jobs but I don’t feel able to leave until I have a proper plan for their security. Although we have problems and it’s sad and a bit tense at home we don’t argue and there is no abusive behaviour going on, just no love. I know people stay together for this kids but I always thought they did that just to not upset/destabilise them, not because they wouldn’t know how to provide basics for them if they left. Feel stuck and sad. Just wondering if anyone here was in a similar situation and what you did and how it worked out?

Have you looked at what help you would get from universal credit?

No, haven’t yet but going to look at that now. Will a mortgage lender take universal credit payments into account? I always thought universal credit was a very small payment so hadn’t realised it would make much of a difference but you’re right I should check. Thanks for this.

You will not be entitled to help towards a mortgage with UC, but you will if you rent.

with two children, no housing element on a salary of £25k I was entitled to £120 a month due to being in a mortgages property.

If you rent, you will be entitled to more but would have to declare the pay out from your home and this would possibly mean you weren’t entitled.

I would have a look on entitledto.org they are usually accurate figures.

I know a couple in a similar position, they got around it by keeping the house.

One parent would stay in the house with the kids for a couple of weeks whilst the other stayed with their parents.

Once those two weeks were up they then switched.

They kept this arrangement going for years.

They don't just give you UC if your wage is low. It's only if you earn less than the government has decided you are able to live on, which for a couple is £105/week.

Would you be able to afford to rent a small studio/1 bed place? You could then consider nesting - which is basically what @SpringRainbow has described - where the kids stay in the house and parents come and go.

Thank you so much for these suggestions. Not heard of nesting, but yes that would be a possibility, I wouldn’t mind living in a v small/run down place etc, I just don’t want to make choices that could leave my kids living like that. Whether Dh would agree to that is another matter but it’s really good to have options that could work so thanks for that.

So looking at universal credit I think the equity from the house would be the issue as if we were renting we would have to (understandably) use this money for living rather than claim so then this money couldn’t then be used for a future house/flat deposit. So it would be a case of using this money for us both to rent and then once that had gone below the threshold we could claim and then hope that at that point the benefits would cover the difference and that by then maybe we might be able to earn more and/or youngest might be at school so no more nursery bills.

I just feel sad as that money lifted us to a position where although not well off we have a good, safe place for our family with some feeling of security and being able to manage basics. I appreciate we were very fortunate to have it when so many others are struggling desperately but using it up to pay huge rents and other spiralling costs and then not having a plan (I’m a planner, feel stressed not knowing how things will work out) for how to manage after that doesn’t feel good.

I was even wondering to see if we could have more counselling, not to repair the marriage but to try and find a way to stay living together without this awful lingering tension.

Anyway, thanks for all your suggestions it was much appreciated x

Would it be worthwhile going to mediation to discuss some of these options in a neutral place? Your DH would need to agree to go but if he does, it could help come up with some workable solutions.

I agree that it would be such a shame for you to spend your equity on renting and then be left with nothing. If you can find a way to keep the house, I'd focus on that or you could end up with more stress, not less.

When I divorced, I used my share of the equity as a deposit on a shared ownership property, is that an option?

Although he couldn't get a new mortgage on his own, would your husband at least be able to afford to pay for his current mortgage? Then you could get housing benefit and at least the asset would stay within the family. It could even be sold later down the line when you are earning enough to buy a house.

It makes no financial sense to sell the house and for both of you to spend that equity on rent. - not if there is the possibility of one of you remaining in the house and keeping the asset in the family.

Thanks again so much for replies. Yes mediation would be possible though this is less an issue over who gets what or any arguments on that front, more how to physically finance 2 households on our incomes. If I could go full time I might just about be able to cover the mortgage but then he would have to rent and on his wage (min wage) the options for what he could afford look dire. Same the other way around though I earn a smidge more and am trying to increase my hours. We’d likely have to take on second jobs and it seems like the stress would probably be worse than what we are living with now.

Shared ownership looks like a fab solution but is this still a thing now as there wasn’t a single shared ownership property in our town when I looked into this?

Another option I thought of was if he could move in with his dad 50 min drive away - though not ideal if going with the 50:50 plan.

I feel so trapped. I know if this was a bad situation where there was abuse and I needed to get the kids out urgently I would find a way but given that we are a calm and respectful couple just very unhappy it seems like splitting would just be selfish. I’m sure we’d find a way to survive but I want my kids to live not survive. I want to be able to put the heating on on the coldest days and to be able to take the kids swimming and not to feel sick at every bill that comes through the door like I know some people do (my mum was like this when we were kids).

You have had some good ideas so thank you. I don’t want to be defeatist and I’ve taken it all on board ❤️