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Original poster

The sadness of losing family members after a divorce. Can anyone relate?

38 replies

Purplepenguin2022 · 18/05/2022 09:20

NC for this.
I've been divorced for a few years and due to the carnage that was our divorce and an extremely bonkers and vindictive OW, I decided to cut off all of my ex husband's family (as is generally the norm). It was just easier this way as hearing about new babies and weddings was just too painful.
Roll on 4 years and I've bumped into my ex MIL recently on two occasions whilst out shopping. We had long chats and of course she still engages with my kids etc and is a good grandmother. Now the pain has subsided, I just feel deeply sad that other relationships from a long marriage died purely because my husband I divorced.
Just wondered if others felt this sadness?

OP posts:
cooliebrown · 18/05/2022 09:35

I have been greatly upset, on a couple of occasions, not to have been informed of the passing of people who were very good friends of us both prior to the divorce...

Peach2021 · 18/05/2022 09:41

Same here OP, but for a different reason - my ex was abusive but his family don't believe it and have cut ME off. It makes me very sad, for me and the DC, but until they acknowledge his behaviour as the reason for our divorce - and I realise they may never do that - they are unlikely to want to have anything to do with us, despite previous good relationships, or so I thought.

Triffid1 · 18/05/2022 09:41

I think it's very normal and happens for lots of reasons - new partners often (according to MN) don't like anyone having relationships with ex-in laws.

If it's been a few years and you get on with MIL and you've bumped into her a few times, could you not suggest meeting for a coffee? Or perhaps invite her to something you're doing with the DC?

Intrigueddotcom · 18/05/2022 09:42

I am still very close to my mil
Daily contact and weekly call
and when she comes to the country - we will see each other regularly

it took effort, on my part more, but means that I didn’t lose this lovely lady from my life

Intrigueddotcom · 18/05/2022 09:43

Peach2021 · 18/05/2022 09:41

Same here OP, but for a different reason - my ex was abusive but his family don't believe it and have cut ME off. It makes me very sad, for me and the DC, but until they acknowledge his behaviour as the reason for our divorce - and I realise they may never do that - they are unlikely to want to have anything to do with us, despite previous good relationships, or so I thought.

But even if they do acknowledge
surely the very fact that they think you lied about abuse is enough that means the relationship is severed for good and you are better off without them?

TossCointoYerWitcher · 18/05/2022 09:43

Yes, absolutely. I got on tremendously with my ex MIL in particular. The divorce was fairly amicable, all things considered, but at the end of the day my ex was their child and obviously blood is thicker than water. She lied to them about having an affair and they bought into it, my ex FIL even accusing me of being paranoid. I don’t blame them for that and they may know the truth now, but it created an awkwardness that still exists. I know my ex wanted us to carry on being one big extended happy family, but as you say, there’s the big fat old pain of betrayal and trauma that kinda gets in the way of that. Especially when the ex doesn’t show any contrition at all. I likened it to a hot kettle - nothing personal, but if I’ve been burned touching it I’m going to keep away from it, thank you very much.

Its not just family either - there were a couple of her friends and their partners who became friends of mine too. They literally vanished overnight. The one couple I presume heard all about it from her but I’ve never seen or heard from them since the last time we socialised before I discovered the affair.

stealthninjamum · 18/05/2022 09:58

I understand op, I had a polite relationship with exmil but had a lot of affection for exfil who is a lovely man. I also really got on with exhs aunt and uncle and they’d host a family gathering on the 27th or 28th December with their children and grandchildren and I loved feeling part of a big family.

I know it’s inevitable but we sort of all cut contact. I felt very let down that on one occasion I was (metaphorically) on my knees to exmil begging her to make stbexh see dc more because I was sick and he’d had them for three hours that week and she said she ‘didn’t know’ if three hours was inadequate. It just felt that her relationship with stbexh was the most important thing rather than the dc who were an innocent party. After that I think we distanced from each other.

The good bit is I used to buy presents for ten in-laws. Stbexh now has to do all of that!

Peach2021 · 18/05/2022 10:09

@Intrigueddotcom you are right of course, but I have some idea of the level of lying XH has been doing, so I sort of understand how they have been taken in. Either way it is very hard to take and you are right, I can't see how we can ever get back from this, especially as MIL has been abusive to me in her own right since the break-up.

What makes me sad is that we were a small family to start with, and now the DC have even less access to their wider family - cousins etc (I used to organise it all, and I very much doubt XH will bother).

TheVanguardSix · 18/05/2022 10:14

I'm really lucky in that my first husband's family is amazing. My MIL is truly a mother to me.

Second husband's family is an entirely different story. We're mid-divorce and he's in prison for sexually abusing our daughter and you'd think (!!!) his family would wrap their loving arms around us, around my daughter especially.
Nope. Not only are we pariahs but his first wife also supports him (no children from that marriage... just full-on support without a justifiable reason). It's an absolutely dismal feeling, this betrayal with bells and whistles, and then on top of that, to be made to feel like dirty outcasts by the perp and his kin... it's just awful. We've lost everyone's support on that side of the family and I have to ask, What the fuck are you doing, leaving my children- your own family- hung out to dry so you can rally around a convicted paedophile?
It's scary seeing what people are made of.

Peach2021 · 18/05/2022 10:37

@TheVanguardSix hugs, I hear you.

wotwududo · 18/05/2022 10:39

My mil/fil/sil cut me off. They were a grief at times so didn't miss them too much although I missed the childcare. Over the years as exdh and I moved on I've chatted to them, I ended up helping sil out with child care and I alway sent dn dnw gifts. Now I speak to them fairly regularly and they all buy for my ds (no relation) which is sweet.

Intrigueddotcom · 18/05/2022 11:20

Peach2021 · 18/05/2022 10:09

@Intrigueddotcom you are right of course, but I have some idea of the level of lying XH has been doing, so I sort of understand how they have been taken in. Either way it is very hard to take and you are right, I can't see how we can ever get back from this, especially as MIL has been abusive to me in her own right since the break-up.

What makes me sad is that we were a small family to start with, and now the DC have even less access to their wider family - cousins etc (I used to organise it all, and I very much doubt XH will bother).

Good lord
you sound a heck of a lot better without them
”abusive”?!

Badger1970 · 18/05/2022 11:31

We're still really close to my ex BIL, he was an amazing uncle to our DC and we've always made a huge effort to stay in touch. In fact we're going to his wedding later in the year. He remembers all of their birthdays, Christmas... helped them learn to drive. He's a huge presence in their lives.

I don't care whether or not my sister likes it as we're NC anyway.

Intrigueddotcom · 18/05/2022 11:54

@Badger1970 out of interest, do they have children?

Inthesameboatatmo · 18/05/2022 12:03

I didn't particularly get on with my inlaws or husbands family as they didn't like me from the word go. Wrong class . So up their own arses it's unbelievable. So it's no real loss for me but it is for my children who have been cast aside by them all after the split. My ex doesn't see them at all ,his choice I stopped trying to facilitate contact ages ago. Its hard because my parents died years ago and I'm NC with my family due to multiple types of abuse as a child including sexual . So it's a no win situation for my kids really but I certainly don't miss ex husbands family at all.

HazelBite · 18/05/2022 12:06

I really miss my exDIL, we experienced a very traumatic event together (no-one will ever comprehend how awful it was for us) That event was the direct cause of the marriage breakdown, and whilst she and DS are still civil with one another they divorced and she has moved away.
Ds has started dating, and I find that hard. Dh and I were visiting the area where DIL lives so went to see her (just had a cuppa and a chat and cuddled the dog) and when DH told DS he was quite "off" about it, but I keep in touch on What's App and she sends me pics of the dog.
But I do miss her

Sunshineandflipflops · 18/05/2022 12:08

I understand how you feel, but from the other way round really. To be honest, I was never very close to my ex's family as we are very different but I had known them for 20 years. When he had an affair and we separated, they made no effort to see how I was or keep in touch with me. In fact I unfriended his sister on social media when she posted photos of her with him and the OW shortly after we separated, knowing how heartbroken I was while picking up the pieces with our children.

What has hurt more though is my parents losing my ex from their lives. I had known my ex from the age of 16 and due to his mum prioritising men over her son, he spent most of his time at our family home and my mum adored him for 20 years. Due to the nature of why we separated, he very abruptly left mine and my family's lives and it was quite traumatic.

We are pretty amicable now but only see each other when the kids are involved so my mum rarely sees him. I think he felt the loss of my family a lot more than I felt the loss of his. Most of our close friends were also mutual and we had also all been friends for 20 years so when he did what he did, he also lost them. I'd like to think it was all worth it in some way but he split up with the OW when the novelty wore off.

Darhon · 18/05/2022 12:12

Still have a bit of contact with my ex’s siblings, which is nice. We really got on. Ex is cast out of my family really. It wasn’t amicable. One of my parents really misses them. Very sad in a way.

TheVanguardSix · 18/05/2022 12:19

HazelBite that's so sad.

Imsittinginthekitchensink · 18/05/2022 12:24

My former in laws were horrible, so no loss at all, although from their perspective they adore DD and miss her very much. I do miss a couple of friends though who were his from many years before, I was very sad to lose those relationships.

HarryBlackberry1 · 18/05/2022 12:25

I absolutely get this. I try not to think about it as it makes me very sad.

Carrotmum · 18/05/2022 13:03

It’s not inevitable to lose touch, we still have contact with my son’s ex and have done for the last 4 years, we were never close but bonded over our grandchild. My son and her have an amicable relationship and we see a lot of our grandchild during his contact time EOW and extra as and when. We also will babysit for his ex, she tends not to ask us directly but will ask my son to ask us, if there is an event we would like to take our grandchild to and it’s during mums time she will usually say yes if my son asks her. We’ll have our grandchild for a week during the school holidays to help mum ( she’s a SAHM) and she knows she can phone us if she needs to. I still consider her part of our family, obviously our main loyalty is to our son, as she is our oldest grandchild’s mum.

Carrotmum · 18/05/2022 13:09

Meant to add that although a lot of contact is via my son we do see her face to face at pick ups and drop offs and we have nice conversation. We have also helped with her younger child ( not a biological link to us) in an emergency.

GenderAtheist · 18/05/2022 13:19

HarryBlackberry1 · 18/05/2022 12:25

I absolutely get this. I try not to think about it as it makes me very sad.

Same here. My ex husbands family all cut me and my kids off instantly the day he left to be with his OW. And yes ( before you ask ) the kids are all his.

My oldest Dd ( 20 something ) bumped into her aunt at the shops recently. They used to be very close . The aunt was polite but formal and said goodbye in a way that made it clear they would not be in touch again. DD is very upset.

Londono · 18/05/2022 13:46

For me it has also been hard letting go of all the shared reminiscing with the ex or the extended family members etc. It is weird when the person you would recall a fond memory with is now out of your life.