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Relationships

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Original poster

I don’t feel fancied!

19 replies

MrsJBongiovi · 17/05/2022 23:06

Thanks in anticipation for reading and any responses!

I’ve known my boyfriend for most of my life (since teens) as a friend, we were involved about 10 years ago and recently rekindled a relationship (about 6 months now). He says he has been in love with me since we met.

we see eachother probably every 2/3 weeks for a weekend due to work/distance and things are good generally, we laugh alot and enjoy spending time together, we talk seriously about stuff but… I don’t feel like he fancies me!

he just doesn’t seem overly attracted to me. He doesn’t tell me I’m beautiful, pretty, sexy etc or ever compliment my looks really. He does get aroused but usually in the morning which makes me think is it a coincidence (morning glory?).

Knowing him for so long I have seen the women he has dated and they have been NOT like me. They’ve all been younger, stunning and skinny. Some have been dancers, models etc. Any girl he ever comments on (on tv or whatever) is always the same type of look, Angelina Jolie etc

As background, When we met I was a size 10, a carefree teen and full of life. I am now a size 18/20, pushing 50 and pretty much defeated by life! I am not overly confident in with sex, never have been but my last 2 relationships really did a number on that, one dumped me the day after I finally slept with him (3 months of dating) and the other was dating a sex blogger behind my back.

He says he still sees me the same as always and assures me he does find me attractive so I think this is something I need to just get over, but how? I’m trying the fake it til I make it approach at the moment but it’s not going well.

Any advice would be really appreciated! x

OP posts:

lisavanderpumpscloset · 17/05/2022 23:17

I think that you deserve to be with someone who pays you the compliments you want. Have you told him this? If no, talk to him. If yes and he still doesn't, he ain't right for you and you should go out and find someone who gives you exactly what you're looking for. Life's too short

me4real · 17/05/2022 23:48

I've had a partner who showered me with genuine heartfelt compliments, and with one that hardly ever complimented me at all. The lack of compliments felt weird and not what I feel a partner 'should' be like.

You need someone more demonstrative or who is more into you. Bin.

Moser85 · 17/05/2022 23:54

Hmm...a rekindled romance and he said he's been in love with you since you met...well you definitely shouldn't be feeling this way then, the natural dynamic in that circumstances should be one where he's giving you compliments and showing you he's attracted to you.

Why is he commenting on women on TV etc?
I know people notice attractive people but why the need to comment on it? That's just odd, now I know some established couples who are very comfortable with each other will point out attractive people to each other and it's just a general comment, but it's odd so early on to feel so comfortable about it.

Sunnytwobridges · 18/05/2022 00:58

me4real · 17/05/2022 23:48

You need someone more demonstrative or who is more into you. Bin.

Same here. I’ve been with both types. And the one that didn’t compliment me made me feel like he wasn’t really into me. And he didn’t show any other type of interest or affection either unless it was sexual, which made me feel like he was only interested in me for shagging.

i doubt it will get better OP, you can talk to him about it but then you might feel he’s only saying those things because you want him to not because he actually feels it (at least that’s how I would feel)

Aquamarine1029 · 18/05/2022 01:05

The lack of compliments may not be in anyway related to his lack of arousal. If he is your age, pushing 50, he may have some ED issues.

Only you can decide if you want to deal with this.

Opentooffers · 18/05/2022 02:30

You are 50 and a size 18-20, so you know this is likely to start affecting your health - especially with covid around and the risks of type 2 diabetes at our age. This stems from your internal feelings about yourself. It's for you to decide whether defeated by life means giving up on a healthy lifestyle, but that would be a sad thing to do. I hope having someone who loves you gives you the drive to make some changes, for yourself and your own wellbeing. If you could get on top of things, you might find your self-confidence improves - don't listen to the inner voice telling you to give up on yourself. I'm not saying chase a model physique and if you fixate on them and start comparing, of course you will feel like it's hopeless. Have a realistic aim to improve yourself, for your own health. If you have DC's, you want to stick around being healthy for them for as long as possible.

Opentooffers · 18/05/2022 02:36

Complement -wise. Can't say I get many either, some men just don't think of doing it even if they think it. But, I don't really focus or need it, because I know if I look and feel good, and that is what counts. You sound like you are looking to a man to bolster you up, when really, if it comes from within.

DrBrennerFan · 18/05/2022 02:55

We’re like flatmates now have been for years I don’t look for compliments now sexually he likes me in a pair of dungarees that about it. I’ll never feel sexy again I don’t care now. I do feel for you though hugs.

WomanHere · 18/05/2022 06:11

Some people just don’t behave that way (give out compliments), you’ve known him a long time so you will know if he is that sort of person. But a partner should make you feel good about yourself and you are questioning how he feels about you. I think it’s worth a discussion with him but if this relationship continues to make you question your worth then ultimately it’s not the relationship for you.

Original poster

MrsJBongiovi · 18/05/2022 08:37

Thank you all, I am reading and taking all advice on board.

he is very lovely and does kind/thoughtful things for me all the time, tells me how much he loves me constantly. sometimes we’ll spend a whole weekend together and nothing sexual will happen at all. feel kind of hypocritical because if he was just all over me all the time would I be here saying I feel like he only wants me for sex?!

im also menopausal which I know causes odd hormonal feelings. Shouldn’t I be glad he loves me for who I am and enjoys spending time and just forget the physical?

I do not doubt his love for me for 1 second, I just also want to feel desired!

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsJBongiovi · 18/05/2022 08:42

Sorry, when I say “comments on other women” I just mean generally in passing like you do. telly/music/fantasy crushes. Trust me, if Mr Bon Jovi knocked on my door nobody would stand a chance! 😂

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 18/05/2022 11:02

I would personally want a bit more in the way of compliments, hugs, kisses, affection as well op

Do you compliment him or instigate sex?

EBearhug · 18/05/2022 11:42

im also menopausal which I know causes odd hormonal feelings. Shouldn’t I be glad he loves me for who I am and enjoys spending time and just forget the physical?

Do you want to forget the physical? I'm 50, and my hormones are like a teenager at the moment. I think suppressing that side of things wouldn't be good for my mental health. I'm aware that it might all be quite different next year or the year after, but I'm not ready for that yet.

5128gap · 18/05/2022 15:53

Don't settle for being his comfy companion OP. You are not a pair of slippers or a safe option for him to return to, and are badly short changing yourself. He's quite capable of making positive remarks about other women, so could make them to you too if he wanted to. I'm sorry, but he sounds very complacent about you.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 18/05/2022 16:41

A couple of thoughts, firstly what are your responses if he does compliment you. I ask because you're quite down about your own appearance in your initial post, and this can be draining when you're trying to compliment someone.

My DP put on some weight a few years ago, made no difference to me but gave her some self esteem issues, every compliment was met with a response of "I used to look better" or something similar. I wasn't seeing any flaws, but she kept drawing attention to them and I worried that if it kept happening, then I'd start to see them too, so I stopped complimenting her. After a few months, I was told that I didn't fancy her any more, cue argument and an eventual resolution that I start complimenting her and she'd stop pointing out her flaws.

Secondly, you say sometimes a whole weekend goes by without anything sexual happening. Are you initiating? I'm a good bit younger than your DP but even my sex drive isn't what is was 10 years ago. Sex was all important then, it's not so much now. And don't take the lack of spontaneous erections as a bad sign, it's just an age thing. When we were young a strong breeze would create a reaction, these days it takes some actual action taking place first.

Watchkeys · 18/05/2022 16:57

assures me he does find me attractive so I think this is something I need to just get over

Why? Why do you need to change if your partner doesn't make you feel loved in the way that you want to feel loved?

We can't deliberately change our feelings, otherwise we'd all make ourselves love our jobs and hate chocolate. You have to look after your feelings, not try to overwhelm them. We all have to take responsibility for our feelings; it's a bit like looking after a child. 'You don't feel wanted, darling? Let's find you a new friend. Someone who you feel lovely with.'

DrBrennerFan · 18/05/2022 18:07

MrsJBongiovi · 18/05/2022 08:42

Brilliant like it if Dr `Brenner turned up I’d be off like a shot.

PriestessofPing · 18/05/2022 18:14

Do you compliment him? Just wonder whether that could make a difference of he’s not naturally thoughtful with the compliments it can prompt him. Sounds like you’ve already had a discussion about the lack of compliments from him if he’s reassuring you - did you explicitly say that you need him to verbalise how he feels about you sexually and physically etc?

If yes to all that then I think he’s taking you for granted and isn’t making an effort. How is he otherwise with dates and romance?

Another2022 · 19/05/2022 10:50

It’s crap isn’t it? I had this for years and it just stops you feeling like the person you were. Lack of sex is one thing, but no compliments, flirting or any kind interest show to you in ‘that’ way just kills a bit of you off. Eventually I stopped as well because it was completely unreciprocated and killed that bit of me off.

You need to make a decision on whether, at 50, you are happy to have that side of your life stopping. Nothing wrong with that!

At least your still shagging 😀

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