Need help with this old situation

[milkyway512]

Im 22, female and autistic which may explain why some of the concepts in this post may appear weird and bizarre. I have a heightened language ability which is why I can write coherently. I’m coming on here as people seem fair minded and my mum recommended it. I can’t talk about it anymore at home as I keep going round in circles and I can’t take on the advice of my parents as I’m afraid they’re wrong.

basically, I’m 22 now but when I was at school at age 17 it was my fault an anorexic girl was excluded from her friendship group. This event has meant a lot to me as I feel it reflects badly on my character and who I am as a person. I don’t want to be a horrible nasty person and it is completely out of character for me to do such a thing. I was just really angry because I thought she was trying to hurt me by going on a walk with someone I liked. Regardless of that, I told that person and they told the rest of the group (they were more his friends than mine but I had a friendliness with them) and they completely kicked her out and stopped talking to her.

I apologised to her at the time of course but I have since apologised to her via message and she said she forgot about it years ago and wishes me well. I was happy about that, but I still feel guilty and I can’t stop thinking about it. I keep creating these imaginary scenarios where people are getting revenge on me because of it, even people who had nothing to do with it because they are aware I’m a horrible person. The scenarios involve my old friends or current best friend sleeping with my exes, and that this had to happen because of karma for what I did. I have no evidence of this happening though.

a really selfish part of me is only really thinking about it because I feel karma will get me in the future. regardless, I’m just really struggling with coming to terms with what I did and how bad it was. I guess what I’m really looking for is some perspective, like how bad was it? Because I feel my mind is making it worse than it actually is or maybe it is really bad and I need to come to terms with the fact that there will be consequences, like a spiritual punishment, such as me never finding love or being cheated on, etc.

im sorry if i sound egotistical or selfish, or like a really bad person, but I just was wondering if anyone could offer their honest opinion and how I should think about it logically. Thank you in advance

Hi OP
I said and did some awful things to people when I was a teenager. I deliberately excluded people from our friendship group and tried to push myself to the top of the pile. Back then it was what you did to remain 'cool' and in the 'right' crowd.

Thankfully life gives us a few knocks and we grow and develop emotional maturity and we learn how to better people. This girl has told you she barely remembers it and she's moved on. It's time you forgave yourself!

Loads of people do things they wish they hadn't. Everybody.

Horrible people don't worry about whether they're horrible or not, so you're clearly not.

If you were religious, you could go to confession and ask for absolution. You could do that snyway, but if that's not for you you need to find an equivalent.

The person to whom you behaved badly has got over it..That should help you put it in perspective.

The event took place 5 years ago; you've lived almost a quarter of your life since then. Don't carry this about with you much longer.

Are you in touch with a counsellor/psychologist or similar adviser: I have no idea what would work for you, but this seems to be some kind of obsessive thinking. Is your GP any use? It's a mental health issue.

Good luck..

I bet your parents have told you not to worry about it, it's in the past and nobody but you remembers it but you?
They're right.
I know it's easy to say just forget about it but like a PP said, if you really were a horrible person, it wouldn't be playing on your mind. You're really not!
CBT can help with this. One of the tips I was given re ruminating is to give yourself a slot in which to do it. Do tomorrow from day 6.15pm to 6.25pm you are allowed to ruminate on this.
If it pops into your head tell it 'nope, you're not allowed in until tomorrow at 6.15.
It can be hard but give it a whirl.
Put the thought in an imaginary car and send it off on its travels until 6.15pm.
This technique worked for me after I was diagnosed with a medical condition and was feeling really negative about it.

You were 17, at that age your brain isn't fully developed so your thoughts processes and decision making wouldn't have been the same as it is now. You've apologised and it's been accepted, so it's time to move on. I wonder is this a symptom of a larger issue for you?

You did something you regret when you were younger that hurt someone. You feel shame and regret because you are a good person who wishes you hadn’t hurt someone. That speaks to your character and tells me you care about the impact your actions have on others and don’t want to cause anyone else distress. If karma does exist then you have already served it by how you are feeling and have been for so long. The punishment you are giving yourself is disproportionate to the hurt caused. It’s time to let it go.

It sounds like you are connecting your actions to events that occur around you, when really, there is no connection to be had. That this girl suffered from anorexia probably had nothing to do with any of your actions, and in fact she has virtually told you this. You are catastrophising and making a big deal out of how you behave affecting everyone around you.
Now you are aware you even make stuff up in your head, so it might be time to talk to someone about it, as it doesn't sound like your mental health is currently in a good place. If you believe so strongly in karma (which isn't necessarily how reality works, some nasty people lead charmed lives) , perhaps doing some good for charity to negate the bad you feel you have done, would help you to feel more balanced.

Everyone did bad things at 17
you know better you wouldn’t do it again
has anyone ever done anything to you? Do you hope they are punished for it? If not why do you deserve it then?

realistically you were 17
you are not responsible for how other people choose to treat someone (kicking her out the group)
you have learned from the situation
and the girl in question doesn’t care

I think you’re giving too much power to your thoughts. Having a look at Cbt online may help you

I think we can pretty much all say we've said and done things that we regret.
I look back at some of the situations where I regret my part in it and sometimes it does go round and round in my head for long periods of time and I really beat myself up over it. It's really awful.

You've made contact with the person in question and it seems they've moved on from this. It's time to forgive yourself and give yourself permission to move on. You were 17. Still a kid yourself.

Also, I wasn't sure if you're aware but there is a Neurodivergence page on MN as well. I'm autistic too and only discovered the page a couple of weeks ago!

I hope it's helped you posting on here and reading everyone's reassuring comments.

The thing about making stuff up in your head...do you mean you deliberately sit around and think up scenarios? Or do you mean they pop into your head all by themselves? The latter is intrusive thoughts and is a symptom of anxiety. The anxiety could be about this event. Or about something else entirely. Or about nothing in particular. So, it could be you need some coping skills for anxiety, specifically to learn how to deal with intrusive thoughts (if that's what you're experiencing).

Like other people, I think it's entirely normal and especially at a young age, to do things that are regretful. Crikey I have my share. What I hear from your post though, is that you are sorry and you've learned from it which is very applaudable. There are many people that you come across in life that don't & won't reflect on their behaviour and commit to being better people.
I don't think it's healthy to continue to obsess over the instance. You've acknowledged the upset, apologised for it and it's now time to move on. Don't beat yourself up anymore.

This sounds like the sort of obsessive ruminating that comes from severe anxiety.
It's so hard to find any sense of perspective when your stuck in a cycle like this.
Ask the GP to refer you for some counselling to help you figure out how to stop torturing yourself so unfairly.

I think that maybe you remember this vividly because YOU felt bad about it afterwards. The girl herself has moved on and forgotten it So you are sort of reliving YOUR bad feelings - but that's pointless and not going to achieve anything now. If this event makes you a bad person then we are all bad people - human beings make mistakes , say things in anger that they regret - that's life.
Perhaps an EMDR therapist could help you put the event behind you.

If roles were reversed and you were the one excluded and apologised to (twice), what karma would you want for the other girl? Would you still hold a grudge or would you wish her the best?

Speaking as a fellow autistic, this is autism speaking. I know it well and was very similar when I was younger. I'm now mid/late 40s and, over the years, I've learnt that if the NT people say it isn't a problem, I have have to accept it and keep telling myself that until the ruminating stops.

Everyone has done something in their lives that’s awful or rather bad, everyone! No one is perfect.

You seem really hung up on it though and I don’t understand why.
Also, why do you think karma exists? It doesn’t, good and bad things happen to both good and bad people. There’s nothing behind it, it’s literally just life!!

Bless you OP, I overthink things terrible and also kick myself for myself I have made many years ago. I understand the problem is that you cannot seem to forgive yourself. But if you were telling this to a friend, what would your advice be? Obviously you cannot turn back time, you’ve approached the person in question many years later and they’ve moved on. There’s literally nothing else you can do. Karma is not coming to get you for an honest mistake that you’ve learned from. Please keep trying to forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, both in youth and adult life. You sound lovely, so be as kind to yourself as you would be if you were a close friend.

@milkyway512 do you feel this event caused her anorexia?
Why did the group take such an extreme response to you saying I presume 'l like him and she's gone for a walk with him' ? Was the boy kicked out of the group too?

I did the same.

I did something horrific as a teenager, years later I messaged them apologising to be told they were over it a long time ago and they wished me well and hope I'd forgive myself as they'd forgiven me.

It still bugs me now and then even today. I think it's sort of a good thing as you've reliezed your mistake and owned it and know not to do it again. Please don't beat yourself up but it's normal really normal to feel like this.

Hi everyone, thank you for all the lovely responses. I’ve been made to feel so much better and a lot lighter after reading your reassurance and experiences similar to my own! It has made my day and I feel a lot more calm about it and forgiving of myself.

No, she was anorexic before she got excluded, but I felt bad because she lost a lot of her friends AND she was also battling anorexia. I just felt doubly bad because she had a mental illness at the same time.

I read on another thread here a few days ago: This is a memory, not a problem you have to solve. (sorry I didn't note the poster's name)

I found it a helpful perspective as I am also prone to ruminating on things (long) past.

To apply your logical thought processes can also work from this perspective: You can't go back and change it, therefore the logical thing to do is accept that this is something that happened, you feel differently now and would act differently now - and that's it. Beating yourself up over the past does not help the other person or you.