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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP + autism

23 replies

Workquestion12 · 17/05/2022 20:30

Hello all, looking for some advice on how
to handle this situation. When I first met my DP, he was honest and said his ex girlfriend thought he was on the spectrum. I forgot about this as I didn’t know too much about it and he seemed very friendly and outgoing, no indications etc or any issues for me. Over time and having learnt more about autism, the signs are definitely there.

He’s not interested in getting a diagnosis. He is very high functioning if he is.

Extremely intelligent - a major overachiever, think maths and engineering. In a very high paying job. Brilliant academic background. Zero relationship skills though. He has only a few friends. I am his second girlfriend ever.

He becomes very obsessive over things and spends most of his time alone. I know people differ significantly - my DP has a nasty streak which I don’t believe to autism.

I think for whatever reason he is narrow Minded and can be super critical and blunt. He always talks about the need to be honest - but sometimes he is just plain hurtful.

He hasn’t been in a job for longer than 2 years and he recently lost out on a promotion at work to
someone less talented than him beneath him on his team. He thinks it’s because the senior management believe he lacks people
skills and is too direct. Also he is so good at what he does, which is a very niche area, I can see why they would want to keep him
there.

But I’m so sad for DP. He wanted this so much, and he’s been delivering above and beyond at work, and for them to promote someone beneath him is hurtful. At the same time, I know how blunt he can be and I’m not surprised.

My question is - to help DP in future, is there help for him in terms of his social / people skills? I don’t know much about this. It is harming his career prospects. He works in a volatile industry but I think it’s mostly
his lack of people and social skills that are getting in his way.

I am sorry if this offends anyone - it is not my intention. I am so sad for DP and want to help him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Workquestion12 · 17/05/2022 20:32

TYPO: my DP has a nasty streak which I don’t believe is to do with* autism.

OP posts:

TomDaleysCardigan · 17/05/2022 20:36

For reasonable accommodation in the work place such as acceptance of a more blunt communication style, he would need a formal diagnosis.
It is possible to learn to mask and fake the required skills but it is exhausting and comes with risk of burnout. (Am autistic myself)

Original poster

Workquestion12 · 17/05/2022 20:40

Thank you TomDaleysCardigan where can I learn more about reasonable adjustments for those with a diagnosis of autism?

OP posts:

Yellowhase · 17/05/2022 21:30

my child has autism. I think people are more accepting if a diagnosis is in place. Your first stop will be the gp. If you search autism uk you should be able to find the info you need.

bloodyunicorns · 17/05/2022 21:40

If his nasty streak is nothing to do with being autistic, and he doesn't care about a diagnosis, then sounds like he doesn't care about being seen as rude/blunt and sees no need to change... so I'm not sure where you go with this. He won't change, he'll have the same friend issues all his life...

fluffycereal · 17/05/2022 22:18

@Yellowhase

my child has autism. I think people are more accepting if a diagnosis is in place. Your first stop will be the gp. If you search autism uk you should be able to find the info you need.

Did you not read the OP? He isn't interested in pursuing a diagnosis. You m any case it would be HIS first stop and HIM to search for info. Not OP.

fluffycereal · 17/05/2022 22:20

I would walk away from a man like this. Look at you so desperate to help a man that has no interest in helping himself. Fuck that.

Mally100 · 17/05/2022 22:38

fluffycereal · 17/05/2022 22:20

I would walk away from a man like this. Look at you so desperate to help a man that has no interest in helping himself. Fuck that.

Have to second this.

Eelicks · 17/05/2022 22:41

OP its not youre job to fix him. If he really wanted to find out why he didnt get the promotion and work on improving so he had a chance next time hed have asked his manager for constructive feedback. Instead hes decided the person who did get the promotion is "less talented" , hes been working "above and beyond" and the managers presumably just dont understand him. Being so arrogant you dont look for feedback does tend to hinder you in the workplace, nobody is perfect and everyone has areas to improve on. As for potential autism...it sort of sounds like he dropped this hint early on so you would excuse and make allowances for behavior you wouldn't otherwise accept? Even if he is autistic, so what? Doesn't give him a free pass unfortunately and if he cared about changing his behaviour then its his responsibility to work on this.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 17/05/2022 22:48

You can't help him. If he is autistic you can't train it out of him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2022 22:50

Do you really want to spend your one precious life with a man you know to have a nasty streak, who doesn't take responsibility for his behaviour by seeking a diagnosis / any help?

I mean even if he 'only' had a nasty streak is that really who you want to be with?!

Spend your life with, maybe have kids with, grow old with... someone you know has a 'nasty' side?

You're on here asking how you can make his life easier. A man who isn't very nice to you and doesn't want to make your life easier.

Come on OP. It shouldn't be this hard.

Lavendersparkles22 · 17/05/2022 22:53

Been there, married him and now going through a bitterly cruel divorce. I'd step back and save yourself to be brutally honest. He's not for you to fix, you either accept him as he Is or leave the relationship.

BadNomad · 18/05/2022 01:23

He could do what most of us do and learn to fake having people skills. But he has to do that, you can't teach him. Nastiness is not an autistic trait. That's his personality. There is no reasonable adjustment for that.

fluffycereal · 18/05/2022 08:07

I disagree that autistic people should learn to 'fake' anything. Masking is fucking painful and exhausting.

The 'autism' is a red herring here tbh - as a PP noted, he played the seed of possibility into OP mind at the early stages and has used it ever since to act like a cunt towards her. OP trying to help a man who won't help himself. Of course he won't, he would be exposed for what he is.

I wish people would leave off with the autism, if he isn't diagnosed then he doesn't get to 'claim' it so to speak. Before anyone comes at me I know through experience how hard the assessment process is and how out of reach it can be for some people, so I do understand people who suspect they may be autistic working things out to suit their life accordingly. This man however is using it as a green light to be a cunt. That's completely different.

GodspeedJune · 18/05/2022 08:15

Exactly as PPs have said, you can’t fix him. Any changes need to be motivated and actioned by him. If he can’t hold a job down and has a nasty streak, I’d be inclined to get out of the relationship before he drags you down with him.

parietal · 18/05/2022 08:19

if he wants to improve his people skills, he needs to do that himself. Just like if he wanted to learn Spanish, he'd have to sign up to Spanish classes AND be motivated to practice and improve.

you can't fix him and can't fix things for him.

MackenCheese · 18/05/2022 08:21

Another poster saying walk away. It WILL NOT get easier, whether he gets diagnosed or not. And it sounds like he won't. It certainly is not your job to help/fix him.

PingPages · 18/05/2022 08:22

Can you give a bit more detail about how he’s blunt? Examples?

Attwoodsladyfriend · 18/05/2022 10:35

Suppose he’s right and he does have autism? There’s nothing to “fix” per se. It just “is”.

the question you have is whether that particular person is a good fit FOR YOU. The nasty streak is particularly concerning, and as you say, nothing to do with autism.

Watchkeys · 18/05/2022 11:03

Why did you mention his nasty streak? If you don't think it's anything to do with his autism, why is it relevant to your query?

You want to help out this poor man, who doesn't have any interest in helping himself, is that right?

Fuzzyhippo · 18/05/2022 15:44

I got a diagnosis for low functioning ASD when I was 3, and to be honest it got me nowhere nor did it help me in any way. I'm now mid 20s and have never been able to get a job because as soon as I mention my diagnosis it puts them straight off. I feel my diagnosis just gets in the way of the things I wanted to do in life. But it can definitely help others to understand themselves better, wasn't the case for me though

fluffycereal · 18/05/2022 16:30

@Fuzzyhippo

I would imagine how you come across in interview has much more to do with you not getting a job then the diagnosis itself. I don't interview well at all but I am confident now I have the diagnosis to say I am autistic and I realise that I may need adjustments in interview such as the expectation of eye contact to be dropped.

Fuzzyhippo · 18/05/2022 19:18

fluffycereal · 18/05/2022 16:30

@Fuzzyhippo

It's probably because I didn't get much of an education, the school I got sent to didn't respond well to the diagnosis and didn't know how to approach it. I was the only person at that school to have a diagnosis at that time. So I dropped out at 12 years old, never got anywhere in terms of qualifications therefore I'm probably classed as unemployable. I've applied for over 70 jobs since Christmas, only 2 responded inviting me for an interview, but they took advantage and promised me a position only to never have contacted me again. All the interviews I've been to have asked about disabilities and diagnosis, so maybe in the future I need to keep it quiet because as soon as I mention it they end the interview there and say I'm not suitable for the role.

Flip