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Original poster

Absent parent. Advice needed

13 replies

Candycat1212 · 17/05/2022 20:25

Just looking for some advice and support.

So my sons dad and I separated before I knew I was pregnant (it was an abusive relationship and I have a 3 year restraining order on him).
He knew I was pregnant and made many noises that he wanted to be involved and make things right with us, etc but a month before my son was born he met someone and disappeared off the face of the earth over night. Fast forward to now, a year on, and I've still not heard a word from him or anyone on his side about the baby but him and his partner have now quietly bought a house a 5 min walk from mine and he has dramatically changed his appearance. Now his partner and him have no reason to buy in this (small) town, no work or family reasons. Even the police agree its very strange he would chose to buy here. As its a small town, I have seen him around but thankfully he's never approached me and seems to avoid places once he's seen me there.
My question is to anyone who's ex partner has never had anything to do with their baby and is not on the birth certificate.

Obviously Id rather he wasnt involved with the baby, he's not a good person, so I'm very concerned that he might one day try for some kind of access.. .so do you guys think it's likely he will try to make contact with my son in the near future? Keeping in mind he's never met this baby and never shown any interest in him at all. If this has happened to anyone here, what did you? What happened?

OP posts:
Olsi109 · 17/05/2022 20:31

I don't have any experience of this but my advice would be to try and live your life as normally as possible and try not to think about him. You have a restraining order so know he's not going to come knocking for a while. If he does then handle it then. 5 mins away is close and can understand why you are concerned but You don't want to spend the future constantly worrying about whether he will try for access.

Crazykefir · 17/05/2022 20:31

I'd be very concerned about this man open if you previously had a restraining order.

Agadoodoododont · 17/05/2022 20:48

I think that sounds worrying. Is he waiting for the restraining order to expire and then apply for access or even S hared custody of your child? Is the change in appearance for the better? Combined with the house and gf giving a “ stable home” impression? I would have been terrified if my abusive ex had found me, never mind outching up 5 minutes from my door.

Agadoodoododont · 17/05/2022 20:49

Pitching up 5 minutes from my door.

Original poster
Candycat1212 · 17/05/2022 20:51

@Crazykefir I've informed the court and police that he moved so close to me but unfortunately there is nothing they can do as he's technically not breaking his restraining order as he's not approached me. I just have to live with that now. I just worry that he will attempt to get on the birth certificate or get access in future...although I don't know why he would wait and hasn't tried to get it already.

OP posts:
toddlingabout · 17/05/2022 20:54

Yes, I'd be worried about that. Do you have the option to move away?

Original poster
Candycat1212 · 17/05/2022 20:55

@Agadoodoododont It is terrifying but unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it. I've complained to the police and the court but they can't do anything. It's a horrible situation.
See, thats what I'm thinking, he's trying to look like a hard working, family man...but why is he waiting until the restraining order is done? Does he have to do that? You'd think he'd have been trying for access already if he was interested. That's what's confusing and worrying me. It's the not knowing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candycat1212 · 17/05/2022 20:57

I have actually just moved. I moved house but stayed in the same area...not knowing that he was going to move here....because you'd think that would be the last thing he'd want to do. So I will move again but I'm going to have to wait a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candycat1212 · 17/05/2022 21:00

@toddlingabout I have actually just moved. I moved house so he wouldn't know where I was but stayed in the same area...not knowing that he was going to move here....because you'd think that would be the last thing he'd want to do. So I will move again but I'm going to have to wait a bit.

OP posts:
Olsi109 · 17/05/2022 22:05

Candycat1212 · 17/05/2022 20:55

@Agadoodoododont It is terrifying but unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it. I've complained to the police and the court but they can't do anything. It's a horrible situation.
See, thats what I'm thinking, he's trying to look like a hard working, family man...but why is he waiting until the restraining order is done? Does he have to do that? You'd think he'd have been trying for access already if he was interested. That's what's confusing and worrying me. It's the not knowing.

I have a friend who had a restraining order against her abusive ex when her DD was little. This did not affect the ex's contact with DD the only stipulation was someone else had to pick up and drop off due to the terms of the order, in this case it was the ex's parents so the answer to your question is No, he doesn't have to wait z

Overthewine · 18/05/2022 07:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Candycat1212 · 18/05/2022 09:55

@Overthewine Unfortunately I have just moved. Obviously I didn't think for a second he would move to my town so I moved house so he couldn't find me but stayed in the same area as I work here and my childcare is here, etc. If I'd had any clue he'd ever move here I'd have moved far away but that's going to have to wait now as there's no way I can afford to move again so soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candycat1212 · 18/05/2022 17:23

@Olsi109 Well that definitely puts my mind at rest a little bit, knowing that if he was interested in him then he could have made moves to get access already.
Hopefully that means that he will just keep away for good.

OP posts:
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