Not name changing for this as if he ever sees it I hope it makes him come to his senses.
DH has always been “highly strung”. He’s self-admittedly difficult. He was badly bullied as a teenager and emotionally and at times was physically neglected by functioning alcoholic parents, it’s given him a certain view of the world.
Our relationship is 20+ years and we are 40, it’s been a long stretch and we’ve grown up together and built our entire lives together. Co-dependent doesn’t even cover it. We have 2 primary age DCs.
He can be extremely emotional. He gets “sad” and when he’s sad he’s a total nightmare. He blames me for anything and everything - contents of the fridge are wrong, I don’t support him, I don’t celebrate his success, I don’t plan ahead well enough, I parent in ways that exacerbates bad behaviour in our kids, on and on and on and on sometimes for days on end. He brings up stuff from years ago, things we have talked about and I have apologised for, as if I never had. We will talk it out, I will apologise and promise to do better (or lose my rag and shout and swear that he can do one and I’m fine as I am, depending on the day). The kids will cry and tell us to stop arguing.
I have heard “Daddy stop why are you being mean to Mummy” too many times. If this happens or if I look sad, dissociate or cry this is me “playing the victim” and “manipulating the kids into thinking he is a bully”.
He is a bully though. I feel afraid not physically but of what he’ll say next. It all hurts. He says I hurt him and he doesn’t trust me to be kind to him which I can understand. But his position is that he’s hurt and unhappy and it’s my job to somehow make him feel better again.
He smokes tons of weed, on weekends from early morning onward.
If I get upset and cry, that’s me manipulating the situation with waterworks. If I argue then it’s me arguing not him. He often says he just wants to talk about his feelings and it’s my fault for always interpreting it as criticism. If I don’t let him rant then I’m not interested in his feelings and “he doesn’t have a voice in this relationship”.
After a row I withdraw into myself. He will then start on a new tack about intimacy (lack of, my fault of course and another example of how I apparently “control” and “trap” him). Otherwise our sex life is great, at least I’m happy with it.
He is literally Jekyll and Hyde, and he’s an amazing dad for the children (apart from the arguing). Everything can be great for a month - happy, positive, receptive, normal - and then he’ll wake up one morning under a cloud (the most recent one was “not having anything to look forward to because you haven’t put enough effort into booking holidays for 2 years”)
Anyway today I have given him both barrels about his cruelty and bullying and weed smoking and have told him not to come back tonight.
I love him and I know I do get riled up and shout and get angry. But I feel I do have something to be angry about here. I’m being berated on an almost daily basis for everything I do and everything I’ve ever said or done (is how it feels).
Thank you so much for reading if you have got this far. I am lost. My life partner has gradually turned into an addicted abusive monster in front of my eyes. The sliver that’s left of the old him, the man I fell in love with all those years ago, is still there but it’s vanishing and I’m losing the will to resurrect the relationship.
We are in relationship therapy as of this Thursday. I need a hand hold (or a proper mum hug) please.