Will I wish I was with the hubby with a newborn?!

[Treamtl]

My husband works very long hours and often in London. He is typically out of the house by 7:30 and back on a good day at 7. He is currently on a case that requires him to be ‘on site’ 3 days a week, sometimes 4. It takes him an hour and a half to get there and he really wants us to relocate and rent. The problem is, the case will end (god knows when!) and it will be unstable and uncertain what happens next, particularly going from our own home to a landlord. I just feel shit at the thought of it.

I’ve said he should rent somewhere small and we should get used to that now, before the baby, and that he can do the work for the baby on the day off he has once a week and over the weekends. He’s not massively keen on this idea but I just can’t get my head around being in a new place while he’s off working and I’m largely alone anyway. But maybe I’m being naive? Obviously he could take over at 8pm and in the nights if we are together. Will I cope on my own? I just don’t know what to suggest anymore.

Depends how you are planning to feed baby... if BF they will only want you for the first few months anyway so the idea if him taking charge for a day wont go far.

Not sure its great to suggest he is up at night with the baby and then goes to work every day?

I think relocating, for short term is worth it, they do grow up so quick, you might regret the time he misses out on.

That's a fairly standard time to be out of the house for tbh. Moving house and renting seems extreme!

I am confused.

Is this when you will be back at work?

I am also confused by how many days he works? Does he work 5 and 3 or 4 in London? Or just work 3 or 4 days?

if he works 5, he can’t just look after the baby on the 5th day if he isn’t in London as he is working. And it’s unlikely he will be doing all the child care on a weekend. It will be shared.

If you move with him, when the working partner comes home, care would be shared. I can’t seem him working all day, then doing all evenings with the baby and all getting up in the night.

Do you know what you are doing about work? If you are largely alone, where you live I would move with him.

I’d move. You’re going to need every spare minute he has to help you and give you some much needed rest/break/family quality time.
Its not forever and it’s not a period of time in your life where you guys want to be apart.

My husband commuted to London 5 days a week when I had dd1 and dd2. Out of house for 12 hours minimum, often longer. It's completely doable and no way I'd move for that, especially if just temporary. I have no family nearby but met wonderful mum friends.

Of course you'll cope, I was entirely alone bringing up my baby and went back to work when he was 6 weeks old. I had nobody and coped just fine.
Trust your motherly instincts and go with them. I was only 21.
It seems daft to go and rent.

Will your husband want to be away from newborn? No way mine would have.

Can’t you rent yours out and rent there? And buy if you settle?

I wouldn’t say he has a bonkers commute anyway, especially if not every day.

Get used to the baby's sleep patterns and batch cook a load of food for yourself for the early weeks. It's not easy but it's doable. You just need to trust yourself when things seem like they're going wrong and make sure you know what to do and have backups/alternatives e.g. if you BF and it doesn't work out, make sure you've got a bit of formula in a cupboard. Keep useful numbers by the phone. Make a Justeat account if you don't already have one. Make sure DH sends money home for you while you're on mat leave as this is his baby too.

If he's going to be out of the house 12 hours a day. I would want to stay near some family/friend support because I expect you will need it during the day at times. Nights are lonely enough while only one of you is up at a time (that is if you take turns or not. Personally, if he's working and especially if he's driving I'd be letting him sleep at night). So being alone all day too with the baby in a new place might leave you feeling quite isolated.

I'd be inclined to stay put and if he has to stay away sometimes then explore that option.

Apologies for awful punctuation!

My dh is out of the house much longer than that. Last week he left at 5am and wasn't back until after 8pm. We have a newborn and a preschooler. You'll be fine.

Are you currently around friends and family?

Because if you are and in an area that is settled, a house you love and with schools etc that is a fairly ok commute for 3/4 days a week

If you have a support network where you are. Don't move!!! If you are like for like I'd consider it.

To be honest that doesn’t seem that long a day and not sure I really understand the logic of relocating, it all seems very extreme. But yeah of course you’ll cope.most people find the first year rough but you just get on with it. I suppose the only caveat would be if you’re taking a short maternity break and need to sort pickups between you ?

I wouldn't move. My partner was out 12 hours a day too 4 days a week, too. After 8 weeks I had settled the baby into a routine of going to bed at around 8pm anyway, so by the time he got home there was nothing for him to do and I was BF so he was no help at night either. The way in which he was useful was getting him to do the washing up each night, although to be honest I did it mostly anyway.

So IMO it's a huge upheaval to thrust on you if you are happy settled in your own home for what could be very little gain.

Is he good about pots/cooking/laundry/doing the food shop/meal planning? If yes, I'd say the move would be worth it. If you take care of those things anyway, that's unlikely to massively change post-baby, so moving home and still not getting a huge amount of support from him will end up making you feel very resentful.

Depends on your partner. Go off who he is now, not who he says he will be when the baby arrives...

As others have said, I'd be cautious about moving if you have a support network where you are now. How long is this case for, would the plan be to them move back into your house? Mat leave can be a good time to make friends at a similar life stage to yourself and create a bit of a support network for yourself. If you are renting, then you won't be having the opportunity to built those kind of relationships in the place you intend to permanently live - would that matter to you?

You will also be at home a lot more, so how different would the size / niceness of the house you could afford to rent vs what you have now?

I’d stay where you are, you’ll cope fine. My husband is a solider and deployed when our daughter was ten days old. She’s almost two and out of that time he’ll have spent 18 months either deployed abroad or working within the UK and only home on Saturday and back Sunday. It isn’t ideal obviously but you get into a routine, it will be fine and the case will presumably end!

I don’t mean to make this a race to the bottom… but DH left the house at 7.30 and got back at 7 5 days a week when DC1 was a newborn. We had just moved here from abroad too so I didn’t know anyone in the town we moved to. It was a slog but it was fine. I did NCT (bought myself some friends 😉) and got out of the house a lot. I wouldn’t move for that.

I'd definitely stay near your support network, if you have one where you are now. My DP had a 15 mins bike ride to his job when I had newborns but he was pretty fucking useless with the first and I relied heavily in my mum and sister in law for support, especially during the day.