Caring or controlling?

[orwellwasright]

Genuinely very interested in people's opinions on this...

I had a few friends round recently. One was given a curfew by her husband because he didn't feel it was safe for her to be walking or cycling alone late at night. He couldn't pick her up (kids in bed) and she can't really afford cabs (and is too proud to accept someone else paying).

I grew up walking or cycling everywhere at night because my parents didn't own a car, I couldn't afford cabs and it was either get myself home or I didn't see my mates. I know this might mean I'm more relaxed about safety than some women.

I feel to give an adult a curfew and to tell them you're 'not letting them be out alone at night' is quite controlling but my other girlfriends who came round think that women aren't safe, that he's just being caring and she must accept that her night ends earlier than she would perhaps like.

My husband wouldn't tell me I couldn't go out. He might express concern about how I'm getting home I suppose but he wouldn't see forbidding my going out all evening as a proportionate response to what is ultimately a small risk.

But perhaps we're wrong? Very interested to hear people's thoughts and experiences.

I'm with you. I'm 50-ish and I've never had a bloke attempt to tell me what time I "must" be home by, or how I could travel, and if one tried I'd not take it well. Your friend is not a child.

Controlling.

if he is concerned he might express worry but ultimately it’s her business what she chooses to do.

I'd have told him to get fucked.

But could one of you not have given her a lift?

You had me at curfew. A man shouldn't be telling a grown woman what time to return home at night regardless.

We were all drinking. I always offer to pay for a cab but she refuses. And I'm not sure that's a long term answer.

"One was given a curfew by her husband because he didn't feel it was safe for her to be walking or cycling alone late at night. He couldn't pick her up (kids in bed) and she can't really afford cabs (and is too proud to accept someone else paying)".

That is controlling behaviour from him towards her and controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour rooted in wanting power and control over someone else. And if she cannot afford a taxi home I would be wondering why that is too - he could well be preventing her gaining access to money.

One gf was on her bike and the other (less local) got the bus home.

Controlling.

Controlling.
He has no right to give her a "curfew". What happens if she stays out later than the time he specifies?

Definitely controlling. He can express concern, but ultimately she is a adult who should make her own decisions. Difficult to believe that he would accept a curfew?!

Walking alone at night after drinking does make you vulnerable, maybe there is a better solution to walking, stay over with a friend, cab share. I wouldn't like the thought of a friend walking alone.

Controlling. Express your concern sure, but giving a curfew. Fuck that.

Controlling. My DP is caring. He’d have been concerned, he’d have paid for a cab but ultimately he’d have respected my decision on what I felt comfortable doing.