Midlife crisis or seeing the light

[witchywoo]

turned 40 this year and for the first time in my life feel like I am beginning to give myself the respect I deserve. Always been there for everyone- husband, friends, family, children but lost myself along the way.

marriage had fair share of ups and downs- husband had affair 15 years ago but I forgave and we moved on. Recently found out he was watching a lot of porn (we have a good sex life) not judging those who r fine with it- but I wasn’t- linked to my own self esteem issues - I was honest and open- explained I could send pics of myself so he didn’t need to use ones of random women. He agreed- but found out few weeks later that he was still doing it. When approached, he said I was frigid and needed to grow up.

over the past 3 months I’ve done a lot of thinking. I’m sick of feeling undervalued- I gave up my career for my children and to support my husband with his. I’m always there for everyone but feel nobody ever has my back.

I have now decided to call out anyone who disrespects me- don’t get me wrong- I don't go crazy but have just become assertive which has clearly thrown a few people off. I actually can’t believe how often I’ve had to do it- (friends wanting to dump kids on me, family asking me to arrange things bec they can’t be bothered and believe my time is less valuable than theirs, husband speaking to me in a disrespectful way) I suppose I’m hoping that the more I call them out for doing it, the more they will think twice about doing it in the future.

im feeling more positive and now looking at other areas of my life to improve- returning to work, losing weight etc. the problem is I’m not sure my husband is part of my journey- I love him, find him attractive - I’ve never been with anyone else- but deep down don’t trust him and feel he never puts me first. I just don’t feel that will ever change.

im also scared about being alone, not finding anyone, breaking our family, regretting the decision later on. am I being too impulsive- and I having a mid life crisis?

You are entitled to put yourself first, nothing wrong with that

Nothing wrong with saying NO or that doesn't work for me

Start looking for a job

Work on upskilling or get a job. I was in a situation at 40 where I was financially dependent for all the reasons you outlined above, and even though I didn't want to end my marriage or break up my family, i felt trapped that if I wanted to leave I couldn't. It took me 2 years to get a Masters degree. At the start of the degree I told my ex husband I wanted it to work, but things needed to change, and i couldn't afford to leave anyway till I had a fulltime job, so basically we had 2 years to try and work on it...work on it he didn't, I tried my hardest to keep that marriage together but one person trying was not enough. 1 year after I completed my degree, i had started to establish a new career, and I didn't need my ex, but I also realised he made me miserable and was holding me back. 1.5 years separated, and wish I had done it sooner, but realistically, choosing least worst options, I would have been in poverty if I had left any sooner than I did.

Thanks for ur message, it’s been really helpful. Ive also looked at a masters degree- im a qualified teacher but would love to change direction slightly. I haven’t worked for 6 years- so totally lost all confidence. I could sign up to do supply teaching for money and to gain some confidence back.

I have also thought about giving him time to change- to allow my eldest to complete her exams etc. I’m sorry it didn’t work out for u although u sound very positive about ur current situation. Do u mind me asking about ur love life? I’m worried that being a single mum, working full time- I won’t be able to meet anyone. I don’t need a man to feel complete but would like companionship- have someone to share with.

"I have also thought about giving him time to change- to allow my eldest to complete her exams etc".

Then what?. You and he separate then?. Stop this kicking the can down the road. Your DD is not stupid and she could well be profoundly relieved that you and her dad are finally going to go your separate ways. Separating too when for example she goes off to university and then divorcing may make her feel guilty that her parents sacrificed their own happiness for them. We owe our children much more than the physicality of an intact family. We owe them our truth.

Such men do not change and he's had more than enough chances not just to say years already.

Love your own self for a change.

And if you want companionship get a dog!. Keep working on you and rebuilding your life and confidence levels. Better to be on your own for now than to be so badly accompanied.

Get a dog 😂😂 that really isn’t a bad idea.

I know ur right about my daughter. She asked a few months ago if husband was the love of my life- I said yes as only ever been with him. She looked so disappointed- I asked her why. She said bec she has always loved the idea of finding a soul mate/ love of ur life- but she didn’t want a marriage like mine and her dad. It made me feel so sad that I had let her down.

rather be alone than badly accompanied… very true- think I need to remind myself of this. Thanks ❤️

Well, once the trust is gone, its gone isn't it?

Sounds like you’ve realised your worth, definitely not a midlife crisis, more a triumph!

I think with no trust your marriage is doomed. But that’s not a bad thing, life will honestly be so much better. And there are plenty men out there. I know this, as I started dating after I finally ended my marriage six years ago (his affair) and was late forties.

@witchywoo when you said your daughter was sad when you said your husband was your true love hit home but from a different perspective. Her perspective. My parent should have divorced a loooong time ago, I'd even go as far to say they should never have been together. Seeing their relationship I never wanted kids and never wanted marriage. My parents (and therefore you guys) are role models, the only REAL example of love, marriage, mother daughter, father daughter relationships. And what they modelled to me was that it was all horrible and miserable. And I said more than once, if that is what marriage is, I do not want it.

Right now you guys are her example of love and marriage. By leaving (if that's why you decided) you'd also demonstrate boundaries, standards, self respect and a ton of other great things.

Of course you grow up and realise that marriage wasn't the problem, it was just their specific marriage. She will learn that eventually but I just want to share that she will is most likely preoccupied with this and very well might already think you both would be better off separate. The first time i thought my parents should divorce I was 7 years old. Kids are aware of so much. They might not verbalise it but they know what is good and bag, right and wrong. They know the disrespect and resentment. They can feel it.

So if you are waiting for her, based on what she said, she might have been ready for this long before you were. She will want happy parents first and foremost.

He sounds bored. He can definitely do one for the nasty comments.

This will only get worse with perimenopause. I have a great DH but I can't/wont tolerate any shite whatsoever now.

Getting shit off siblings too & realised it's verging on abusive. How have I not noticed before?

Make plans. Execute them in time.

Yes I think my daughter has def seen/heard more then I’ve realised. I want her to grow up strong, confident and would never want her to feel undervalued as a partner or indeed friend, sister etc.

I have dated, to be honest the quality of men available in their 40s is generally poor. Anecdotally from marriages with children I know that have ended, 80% of them the women have been tolerating a man child for a long time with the women doing all the emotional labour. These seperated and divorced men make up a large portion of the dating pool. I did date a guy that had never married and not had children, great guy, we get along so well, but after a few months I figured out why. He has unresolved childhood trauma that he knows he needs to work through, but low and behold, has not done the work and instead drinks excessively when triggered. I have higher standards now and would prefer to be single. Work on being happy with yourself and if a companion comes into your life treat it as a bonus.

Being a single mum and working full time will not be a barrier to dating. A fair percentage of single women in their 40s have children, and working full time will also not be an issue. I was working full time for the first time in years but had more free time than ever before. I went from having the mental and physical load of caring for 2 children and a man child 7 days per week, to having only 2 children 7 days a fortnight. It is liberating.

But, I am not lonely. I have so many great women friends in my life and I would really encourage you to invest in your female friendships. The happiest seperated women I know have a good network of friends. The miserable ones ping pong between different flings with men dumping their friends in-between.

I also relate to loosing confidence, mine was sapped by my husbands low key out downs and society not valuing what SAHM and part time working mums do. I have so many skills from that period of my life I use all the time, budgeting, organisation, leading a team, I was basically an unpaid events organiser for school fairs including marketing, negotiation. It did take about 2 years back working full time for me to start to believe in myself because I had been knocked down so badly.

I might be putting a positive spin on it, because it has truly been positive for me, but I don't want to discount how hard the first few months are. One of the worst things was telling everyone. I felt like a failure, and felt like I had to keep announcing to everyone I failed at my marriage. The reality is I only received sympathy and kindness. And through a different lens, I have never looked at anyone seperating after a long term relationship with kids as a failure myself, so why did I think other would think that of me? I think finding a decent therapist is key to be there as you take the journey, because it is hard and you need your opinions of yourself challenged as you really grow into a new person.

No need to walk or even tell your husband straight away when you know in your heart it is over. Take your time with it all, start working etc before you end it, set yourself up for success. Gets your ducks in a row as mumsnetters would say.