How to broach - or just leave it

[stillvicarinatutu]

My husband and I separated in 2014 , tho we did not divorce for financial reasons tho the relationship is still very amicable it is well and truly over .

I have 2 adult kids and our relationship is good .

After the marriage I lived with someone for 3 years but it was a toxic relationship and I left 3 years ago. My relationship is still so good with my husband that I stayed there for a few months while I found somewhere else to live .

So I've been single for 3 years now and recently met an amazing, wonderful man and began a relationship with him .

I thought my relationship with my ex hubby was good and we'd agreed to meet up once a month and do something together like a meal or cinema - I'd suggested this last month and he replied saying he was seeing someone now so he really couldn't - fair enough - I wished him all the luck in the world and left it there .

That felt like an appropriate moment to say I was also seeing someone. My son is home from overseas so I'd asked if he would like to meet my new partner and have a meal - he said yes . I asked my adult daughter- she said no . Again no pressure and I left it . I was meant to be licking my son up tomorrow- plans have now changed due to covid related issues but my ex husband messaged me last night saying could I respect his and our daughters privacy and not come with my new partner to collect our son .

I've said of course . No problem . But I feel like there is something happening- my daughter and husband are close and I feel like they've closed ranks and are making a point of some kind .
I've dated on and off for two years so my daughter has always said she would meet anyone but only if and when it's serious.
Well - it is . My new partner is absolutely amazing and everything I was looking for in a partner , we aren't rushing anything at all but have both expressed a desire to live together in the future and even marry . (He is divorced but knows I am not )
He is wonderful , but I feel like my husband and daughter are making a bit of a stand and making their feelings known without actually saying anything.
I messaged my husband last night to say to say we are both seeing someone , and I hope with time we will all accept this and get along as we always have done .
Nothing back . No reply .
My daughter is being curt with me .
My son had said he's happy to meet my new partner but that his dad had asked I don't bring him to the house ( we still actually jointly own that house - and I said my husband could keep the house to keep the peace because he would have not got another mortgage had we sold and he can't afford to buy me out )
My partner thinks that's lovely but slightly nuts and has advised st some point I get some advice however right now I feel like our relationship is good and I want that to remain - tho I am getting a feeling that my husband and my daughter are resenting the fact I've met someone .
My daughter is 24 . My son is 30.
I'm 50 . My husband is 56 and my new partner is 44. None of us are kids and I just want us to get along .
I've backed off and won't push regards my daughter meeting my partner , but if things continue as well as they are with my new partner I want to divorce and move on officially with my new partner.
I'm thinking just back right off and leave things alone until they come round ?
I keep mentioning things casually - as my new partner is a lot of fun and has expanded my social circle by including me in a lot of his activities and social life . So I'll mention we're going to a party or a picnic or whatever - but it's met with stony silence usually .

How would you handle this - or would you ? Would you just leave it and hope they all come round ?
I'm scared to mention divorce right now as don't want to make it any worse .

My daughter stays with her dad a couple of nights a week, then with her boyfriend the remainder and they're buying a house together next year .
Hubby remains in the marital home .
I live alone .
My new partner lives alone and has his kids 50% of the time they are teens . They've met me . No issues .

You really should get a divorce! You need a financial separation. The children are now well into their 20s and there is no reason why he should live in the family home while you don't.

He is extremely hypocritical. He has a girlfriend and doesn't like the fact you are seeing someone. He's obviously not as nice as you thought he was. Do you think he was hoping that you would get back with him? Is this what the children think?

Your daughter needs to wind her neck in. When she has a partner she won't want you telling her who she can and can't see.

Sorry, I missed the bit about your daughter having a partner. How dare she tell you what you should or shouldn't do?

Honestly, I find it a little bit strange that you have such a relationship with your separated husband - and I can kind of understand why your daughter is feeling a little put out (not justifiable though).
It's ok to be friendly with an ex, but I think dinner dates and cinema visits just the two of you is odd.

I think it's way beyond time you divorced, and sorted out the finances. I know you think it's nice to allow your husband to stay in the marital home, but it's time to sell it, split the proceeds and move on with life.

This is healthy and normal for everyone.....plus eventually your new beau may become resentful.

Anyway, just my thoughts....
best of luck

You need to talk to your daughter, surly she knows you and dad wouldn’t ever get back together so what’s her problem?
how can she have one? She needs to grow up (but don’t say that it will make things worse)

You're obviously very excited about your new relationship, but you can't expect others to feel the same.
How long have you been dating new man for?
I'd suggest you concentrate your efforts on enjoying your new romance, progress with your divorce and leave the introductions to your beau for a few months.

I think it's time for formally tie up the loose ends now and divorce. They are behaving badly (in my opinion) and without justification considering the circumstances and your husband is probably worried that you're going to move things on now.

FGS, just get divorced already. I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous. You have both moved on, years ago, so get it done. As was inevitable, it's just getting awkward and weird now. Draw a line under this nonsense.

My son had said he's happy to meet my new partner but that his dad had asked I don't bring him to the house ( we still actually jointly own that house - and I said my husband could keep the house to keep the peace because he would have not got another mortgage had we sold and he can't afford to buy me out )
My partner thinks that's lovely but slightly nuts and has advised st some point I get some advice however right now I feel like our relationship is good and I want that to remain - tho I am getting a feeling that my husband and my daughter are resenting the fact I've met someone .

Your son & partner are reasonable.
Your DD & H less so. He gets to retain all the benefit of the family home - but reckons he can dictate to you where & when you are allowed to being your new partner?
It's not that you OUGHT to bring your partner there.
It's the fucking cheek of telling you what you are allowed to do.
And the appalling double standard of him being 'allowed' to have a partner, use the marital home, & invite whoever he wants to it.

If I were your lawyer I would be having kittens about the level of financial exposure you are tolerating. I'd be having another litter about how damn blase you are about it all!
Your DH has 'kept' the house.
Please tell me you personally are no longer making any payments on it?
Even if you are not - he could stitch you up so badly here. He could borrow money against it, leaving you 50% liable. He could flog it for peanuts to one of those dodgy 3rd party companies.
And you are happy to go along with that for the sake of playing 'happy families'?

The way your H & DD are ... almost 'ganging up' shows you what a mistake it is to believe you are still a united happy family. How dare they even comment about your new partner - let alone issue rules?! The hypocrisy is utterly amazing.

I suspect you need to tell your DD to grow up & stop imagining you don't notice that she allows her dad sauce for the gander but reckons she gets to veto ANYTHING for the goose. Why are you allowing her to control you like this?
(Sorry I'm sure I know. You are scared she will favour her father, so you pander to her. You need to stop that. It's not doing you or DD any favours.)

Then tell your H that he is being a massive hypocrite, & also that he doesn't get to dictate who you are allowed to bring to the house that you still jointly own. Then thank him for inadvertently highlighting how unfair the current arrangement is, & tell him that you want to put the house on the market.
If he baulks - just ring an estate agent & get cracking. You own half that house (as a starting point) so lawyer up & get on with it. You have left this daft situation continue for far too long already.

Has your Dd met ex's new partner? How long have they been together?

I'm scared to mention divorce right now as don't want to make it any worse .

I said my husband could keep the house to keep the peace because he would have not got another mortgage had we sold

STOP BEING SUCH A DOORMAT.
Start getting some self-respect.

You don't give away houses to people just to keep them peaceful FFS.

How long have you been with your partner?

Did your dd meet your previous partner?

Could your previous abusive relationship be colouring your daughters view?

But yy, get a divorce!

Get divorced. It's clear your relationship with her dad has been confusing for your daughter for a long time. Put an end to that so you can move forward

Thanks for the honest opinions , I think I have been a doormat because it was me that left and I felt so guilty. I'm not intending to drop another bombshell right now tho - but yes it's time we got divorced and discussed the finances and how that's going to work . In a year we are debt free . Maybe if this works out with his new partner he'll be in a better position. I still care for him and I've known my husband since I was 15 , he was always my best friend so I was trying probably too hard to maintain that . I will let this sink in for a bit and then broach the subject, I just do not want to alienate my daughter.
She did my my ex and yes that's probably coloured her view because she could see he was totally unsuitable and abusive - she will probably worry history may repeat itself .

In a year we are debt free . Maybe if this works out with his new partner he'll be in a better position.

So you are not going to take any of the great advice various PP have offered - AND you are just going to accept being totally financially exposed?

Your guilt at leaving is misplaced.
50% of UK marriages end in divorce. Stop punsihing yourself, & hotfoot it to a solicitor. They might be able to help you understand what a precarious position you have put yourself in.

No I am going to act on the advice given and I appreciate the posts .
Just don't want to spring this on anyone just after I've told them about my partner - I'll let the info sit for a little while then get in touch with husband with a view to discussing finalities .