Gaming addiction - how bothered should I be?

[PrettyLittleCryer]

There is a stupid online war strategy game via app that my DH got really into ages ago.

We had a big argument as I found out he'd been spending 10+ hours a day on it, was messaging his "alliance" (nothing too damning but still messages to a woman on there with songs that made them think of each other etc, things I wasn't comfortable with). And worst, he was spending a lot of money on the game. After our argument, he said he'd delete it although he thought I was making a fuss over nothing. He said it was his escapism and he liked people looking up to him as a general in the game.

A year or so later, I found he was back on the game. No messages really this time, although there is one particular woman in his alliance that crops up a lot but the messages do seem pretty game related. The spending is in the hundreds and some of it comes off our shared account, which is how I found out. Again, we argue hugely - mainly about the spending and fact that he started playing again when he knew it upset me. Again, he promised to delete it.

Now a year later, I just found out it's back. Same alliance, including that woman. No incriminating messages (unless they've been deleted). Much more secretive this time - all notifications turned off, emails tied to a separate account than his main one. Spent at least £50 in just under 2 weeks, probably more. He's been playing 10+ hours a day again, including when we went away together. He must literally be on it every time he's in the toilet etc. And sometimes at seriously odd times like 6am. Again, we argue. He says he has an addiction, will see a psychiatrist, that it's a relief I've stopped him and he'll delete it.

I'm just fed up. How seriously should I be taking this...I mean, is it a LTB situation?

Ltb,he's lying to you,spending money,he sounds very immature x

Often gaming becomes part of someone's identity. Nothing is going to change unless he fancies a change himself.

Lying, and about finances at that, in itself is a good enough reason to LTB.

I don't think it's part of his identity. He says its the escapism and he likes the fact he can run rings around people in the game because he's good at strategy. I just think it's stupid if you need to look somewhere like that for self respect.

He's generally a very good husband in lots of ways and a nice person. He has faults but so does everyone.

10 hours a day is an insane amount of time and the money, secrecy and lying is also deeply worrying. If he's willing to go to therapy though I'd probably give him one more chance and just see how it goes. Escapism is all well and good but most people don't need to escape to that extent so I'd be worried it's covering up for some deeper issues.

Is it Evony ? My husband is never off it … he’s off on holiday abroad for a couple of weeks, so won’t be able to access it - hoping this breaks it

@ExtraOnion yes!!! I just don't get it, even the graphics are pathetic.

In what ways is this man an actual good husband?. When is he fully available to you all?. Is that really an attempt by you to put some gloss on his physical and psychological dependency on this game?.

He is showing no indication of actually seeking therapy so there should be no more chances from you.

@AttilatheMeerkat The therapy thing only came about after the most recent confrontation which was only last night. He is arranging it today, as far as I know.

He's good with the kids, does more than his share around the house, works hard and provides for us, is generally supportive and nice to be around although, as a couple, we do struggle with communication and he can be work obsessed. He says it is partly work stress which pushed him into the game. He does have tendencies towards alcohol / gambling if I don't keep an eye on it but that sounds much worse than it is...he 100% isn't an alcoholic, or a serious gambler. He just has a generally addictive personality.

But my concern is I don't know quite how serious this is and if it can ever be fixed.

Good husbands don't spend shared money without some kind of consent - either implied or literal. They also don't do things behind a spouses back when they've agreed not to. I've had exes that game extensively and it's never been an issue for me, but then it's mainly a few hours downtime in the evening rather than spending hours and hours on it per day and neglecting family life.

That said - it's quite possible it's an addiction, gaming is one. Has he ever been addicted to any kind of game (or something else) in the past? How serious does he seem to be about getting some kind of therapy? Would he be interested in reading about online gaming addition and the consequences? Has he ever said he would make this change before and rescinded on it?

@PollyDarton1 I just answered a few of those q's above, cross posted. But yes he said the last two times that he'd delete and stop which he clearly hasn't so that worries me. This is the first time he's offered to get therapy.

Its the going behind my back which bothers me too, not the "game" per se.

I wouldn't be with anyone who likes the idea of other people looking up to them in a game because they have General status.

That's fine if you are a twelve year old boy but doesn't a grown man that just embarrassing and I'm cringing for him.

I think you should be very bothered, this immature man spending all his time gaming, sending songs to another woman on there, that would be enough to end it.

He's needs a real reality check, lose family for his virtual life?

"But my concern is I don't know quite how serious this is and if it can ever be fixed".

Its very serious and no this cannot ever be fixed. He is the only one who can address this and has he now booked therapy?. His addictive personality could and indeed has lead him from one addictive behaviour to another and now another, this time its gaming. He has lied to you and continues to lie to his own self thinking that he has a handle on it; he does not. How much longer are you going to put up with this from him?. If he is on this game for 10 hours or so a day when do your children ever get to engage with him?. Short answer is they do not.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

So the following in summary:

More waking hours on it than off it (does he not work? Or does he just barely sleep?)

Playing even when on holiday with you as a couple / family

Messaging another woman with what most people would consider romantic jntent - songs that make them think of each other etc. Boak.

Spending lots of your JOINT money on the game

Making promises then breaking them, twice at least, and not telling you aka lying

He sounds like an absolute prick. Immature and selfish.

Separately to the above, you say "He does have tendencies towards alcohol / gambling if I don't keep an eye on it but that sounds much worse than it is...he 100% isn't an alcoholic, or a serious gambler. He just has a generally addictive personality." and also say that you have kids.

Isn't it exhausting for you and unfair to you to have to manage another adult? It doesn't sound worse than it is. It is what it is. You have to regulate his behaviour and addictive tendencies or he doesn't.

You say he's a good dad and does his fair share but I honestly can't see how he's fitting in much quality family time while playing 10+ hours a day...

I'm not even sure how he fits it in. His phone log clearly shows all the hours he's been playing, but I honestly hadn't really noticed which is as much a bad reflection on me as him. I do work a huge amount and he's probably been feeling neglected.