Am I going mad?

[StargazingJulia]

Hello, this is my first post, but I really need some advice.

Whilst recently on holiday with a big group of friends, a female friend confided in my husband, that her husband, is jealous of their relationship. He finds their closeness awkward and feels excluded, and he doesn't like them spending time together. This was a one to one discussion, no one else was witness. My husband immediately rebuffed the idea that there was anything to be worried about. And said he wanted to chat with her husband, as it was silly as they are just friends, but she has sworn him to secrecy.

My husband immediately told me about the conversation, and how it made him feel awkward.

To be truthful, their friendship has always made me feel a bit awkward, but I've never been jealous. It is just that my female friend likes to drink and party, and so does my husband. I've always left them to it, as I feel secure in my relationship.

But when I look at it from the lens of the other partner, who is jealous, I can see why. The female friend takes my husband away from many group discussions and generally acts a bit silly, and looking back a little flirtatious. She is always messaging my husband. Not loads, but she contacts him a lot more than she would ever me.

Am I reading too much into it?
Should I be considered?
I find it odd behaviour to take my husband off (whilst she was quite drunk) and share this confession?

Thank you x

I wouldn’t be happy about this. I wonder if the conversation happened or if he wanted to run it past you and see if you think it’s inappropriate as he realises it’s crossing a line.

It's edging towards an affair going by what you actually know but there could be more that has already happened.

If your husband is sensible he will not give this woman a chance to be alone with her and will fob off texts by asking her to take it up (arrangements for meeting and going out etc) with you.

She is definitely testing the waters if not more.

It sounds like she's crossing boundaries. What is your husband doing to shut that down?

I’d be shutting this down. Whether it’s a married man or woman, having a party friend of the opposite gender who you text a lot and have a special one on one relationship with is bad.

Think of it this way, even if your husband doesn’t want to cheat on you and won’t right now, there will be times in any marriage where your not super close or have a disagreement - whatever. But in your case during these times there will always be your husbands flirty drinking friend just standing by for your husband, any time he wants.

Your husband may not go out of his way to cheat, but if it’s always sitting on a plate under his nose ready whenever he wants it, sooner or later he’ll take a bite.

"But when I look at it from the lens of the other partner, who is jealous, I can see why. The female friend takes my husband away from many group discussions and generally acts a bit silly, and looking back a little flirtatious. She is always messaging my husband. Not loads, but she contacts him a lot more than she would ever me"

This is a slippery slope to an affair. The "swearing to secrecy" bit speaks volumes.

Your husband needs to shut this down now.

Tell him you're not happy about it and ask him to distance himself from her. If he won't then you know where you stand.

Definitely testing the waters on her part. It’s a way to suggest that something could happen between them without her outright saying it.

Thank you all. I have a lot of faith in my husband, he felt incredibly awkward about the discussion and has distanced himself from her. A lot.
He's removed whatsapp + shown me all messages she's sent.

Thank you @TossCointoYerWitcher that is exactly how I feel. It's a subtle way of doing it, isn't it?

I feel I can never have close male friends because of things like this.
Silly behaviour being interpreted as flirting. Catching up via watsapp being inappropriate because it's a woman / man.

It's difficult.
I can't see really what either of them have done wrong from what you say. But can also understand concerns.

Great that you are secure and trust him. I'd be inclined to reinforce that message to him and not be worried about this.

Also the swearing to secrecy, setting up a 'special relationship' with shared secrets.

Thank you @Kitten2 that is great advice. It is silly behaviour, but I feel like she has crossed a line. It's sullied their friendship, my husband is down about that, as he can see why it's odd behaviour.
I'm all for having friends of all genders, but this behaviour just feels a little off. :)

Exactly those things. Something is in her head about their relationship...which isn't true.

I think her sharing that conversation oversteps the mark far more than the friendship tbh.

I had a very close male friend and, I suppose, we were similar to you describe. He was my friend's husband and he and I had more in common than she and he did in some respects. He became a good friend and we would go out for nights out (with her blessing - she would often babysit) without any problem.

I knew the boundaries - she set them - and never crossed them. I was respectful of the fact she trusted both of us and 'allowed' the friendship. Can't say the same for him though and he broke the rules. He then told me he loved me and that was it - never saw either of them again.

By sharing that conversation, she was taking their friendship into a new territory where they'd need to discuss feelings and intentions.

It sounds like your husband's intentions are above board. Hers, I wouldn't be so sure about...

Thank you @BlueSlate Appreciate your message and insight. My gut feeling is the same. Really appreciate everyone sharing their thoughts and it's helped me to feel less strange about it. (I thought I was overthinking and being paranoid). You've helped me to rationalise it all. I'll be careful in the future and make sure my husband shuts down any further conversations. :)