Utterly fed up

[yyydelilah]

I'm having a bad morning, I feel very confused over DH behaviour

We had an bit of a misunderstanding last week.

Unfortunately the disagreement happened on an important day for him. I knew he was upset at the time and repeatedly asked him what was wrong because I could tell there was something. He said nothing for ages but wouldn't be honest that I'd upset him. So then I ended up getting annoyed by him being so clammed up. This always happens and I'm happy to be told when I've done something.

The following day I apologised for my part in the issue. A real heartfelt apology.

I'd like to move on. Yesterday he said he doesn't feel that I've suitably made it up to him. It was an important occasion for him and if it were the other way round I'd expect flowers etc.

Fine. I don't disagree but since the argument he's still been off. Usually he'll call and text while he's at work. Nothing. This morning I called him and got annoyed, now I wish I hadn't said anything but it feels like he's dragging this out and we can't resume normal life. It's gone from lovely texts and calling to see how the kids are to zero.

Im upset and don't know what to do for the best

It sounds quite dysfunctional to be in a relationship where there’s an expectation of massive showy apologies and gifts (on your side) over disagreements. He won’t accept your apology, not so much because he’s still deeply hurt, but because in his head he knows if the situation were reversed you wouldn’t accept his without more of a demonstration, which is just a pointless tot for tat place for you both to be in.

I think you need to have a proper conversation and you firmly point out to him that you have apologised and it’s time to move on; and that moving forward you need better ground rules over how disagreements and apologies are dealt with. Have you considered couples therapy over the way you communicate? Being at stalemate and tit for tatting over something like this is destructive to the relationship overall.

It does feel very dysfunctional.

I know where he's coming from, I don't always accept an apology and live in, but that's usually when I've been deeply hurt and have to almost force him to apologise.

I'm so fed up. It's a different version of the same thing all the time.

It’s not normal to be deeply hurt by your partner on a regular basis. Do the two of you argue and upset each other a lot? If so do you know why?

Neither of you seem happy and you need help to learn to communicate better. Would you consider counselling?

I feel upset fairly frequently. DH can be a bit thoughtless in my opinion and it hurts me.

An example is I feel I have to push him to get time as a couple, he'll claim he's too busy or too skint, but will then make weekly arrangements to see friends.

He does his bit with the kids but thinks him giving me a lay in a couple of times a week absolves him of any other effort towards me.

If he does arrange anything it's at home or similar.

We've tried counselling but the person we picked wasn't the best fit for us, and now it's too expensive with all the cost of living increases

Divorce will be more expensive.

True!

I'm not adverse to going back to counselling. He may be. It's seems easier to just blame me and complain we're not compatible any time I mention any issues