Friend telling her partner all my secrets

[TTCIrishlass]

My best friend is my cousin. We've grown up together and are just 4 months apart in age. So we are pretty tight.

She is with a fella with this past 7yrs is what i can only describe as having a vulgar personality.the type who acts out in the pub for all to see what he cant wait to do to her when they get home..he is so loud and obnoxious. I'm polite to him for my cousins sake.

Fast forward to the weekend. I was on a girls night with her. It wad obvious those two were texting and as i knew he was out i knew it would only be a matter of time before he joined us.

So before long he was giving me unwanted advise about my marriage...basically about stuff i told my cousin in the strictest confidence. Im talking really really personal things. He made it clear that whatever i tell her she tells him.

So here is my conundrum. Im fuming with her for breaching my trust. Whilst i might tell my husband theyve had a row i dont give details nor does he ask...he knew EVERYTHING about our chats. BUT not so long ago she was planning on leaving him because he is a narcissist who was gaslighting her. Because of this, i think he may have deliberately made it clear he knew all my secrets to cause a row and to isolate her from her 1 good friend.

I've not spoke to her yet about it as im not sure how to handle it.

WWYD about the friends breach of confidence given how manipulative her boyfriend is?

I’d ask for this to be moved to Relationships or Chat op.

There's nothing you can do about what he already has been told, so with a character like this I’d suggest minimum reaction to not encourage him to make a big deal about it.

Stop telling your cousin info that you don’t want him to know, including how upset this has made you. (As he’ll inevitably be told).

Try and support her leaving him if that’s what she wants to do but this type of character revels in getting reactions so grey rock around this issue and ensure your cousin knows you’d support her through any break up.

It’s shit though!

Yeah, just stop sharing stuff with her. You can't trust her to keep it to herself.

I think it's shit but there are always lots of people on MN who insist that it's completely normal to tell their partners everything - including other people's secrets - and that the usual expectations don't apply.

She has shown you that you can't trust her. Obviously, the friendship will never be quite the same again, but you'll just have to move on without telling her stuff in the future.

A lot of people in couples do that. THEY think I comes from being in the habit of sharing everything, talking about everything with the other person etc. They can't switch off that habit even if, they had a think about it, it's not a good idea... even when the tee having problems with them.

She's one of those ppl, she's not discrete.... do not tell her anything further. Its a pity you can't, but there it is.

Stay friends, don't fall out, that would be playing into his hands.

Just don't share anything sensitive again.

Not sure how that random they got in there

As you suspect that he's trying to cause a fall out between you I wouldn't let that happen.

However, I would speak to her IN PERSON so that your tone can't be misconstrued and tell her that it upset you that she's been telling her partner what you speak about and ask that she keeps your conversations to herself in the future.

Sadly you won't be able to trust her with your secrets in the same way but at least if you've spoken to her she will know why. I'd worry that just stepping back from the friendship and not telling her why you can't confide in her would put enough distance between you for her partner to use to his advantage anyway and you need to be there to support her should she need to confide in you about leaving him/ problems they are having.

I'd say to her something like, "He told me a shitload of stuff I'd thought I'd told you in strictest confidence, and I'm worried that he's using that to isolate you because I won't be sharing anything private with you again."

I tend to assume that with couples, if you tell one you can pretty much guess the other one will know too at some point. It's not like she's signed a non-disclosure agreement. Find another confidante, or keep things to yourself. But the conversation about him possibly using this as a form of manipulation is worth having.

A lot of couples seem to do this. Sadly it means you can't confide in her any more. Sorry, I know it sucks.

I’d be furious! She betrayed your trust. I’d make it clear that her behaviour was unacceptable, how would she like it if you told people that she was planning to leave her H.