Expecting too much from someone?

[PassNeTgeSakt]

Basically, my DP never looks forward to anything (or shows it!), never gets excited about anything enough to book a concert or a holiday, doesn’t make any real effort to have enjoyable times where happiness and experiencing life is prioritised. He pretty much works non stop and the rest of the time is grumpy, either thinking about work or just worrying about something else. We went away recently and he was like the man I fell in love with… relaxed, fun, interested in things. But my god it took me literally months to get him to agree to book it and even then it was only for three nights.

I’ve talked to him about depression and explored that. He’s adamant it’s not that and I agree that im not convinced it is, though also sure a low dose of something wouldn’t be the worse thing in the world. But it seems more like a habit he’s got into over the years…work is his security, living a low key life with no range of emotion and therefore limited joy, seems to be his safe place.

ive asked if he would talk to someone, he’s very resistant to that. I’m just finding it increasingly hard. I will try and be jovial about going out to a new restaurant, for instance, and he will agree to go and will comment the food is nice etc but the entire time he will look like someone has just ran over his big toe and told him he’s got a six year prison sentence. We’ve no money issues so it’s not that.

I can be quite cynical and I don’t think you’d call me glass half full but honestly you have to lighten up sometimes?! Enjoy life a little? I am quite socialble so I do have friends I see a lot but it makes me sad that it isn’t often shared with him.

Anyone been here and it got better?

I've been where your husband is. It's horrible. My husband saw I was flat and bought a bike rack. We went cycling together. I loved it and its worked and my whole attitude has changed. Is there something you both enjoy. I know getting him out will be hard but once he does and enjoys it he might come round. If my husband had told me I was joyless and sort myself out I'd have been hurt but I would have kicked myself up the arse.

Were you the child who tried to always be cheery and or cheer up the other perhaps miserable family members in your house?.

Why are you with him at all?. Is this all you think you want and or deserve from a relationship?.

Thanks @Bednobsbroomsticks and @AttilaTheMeerkat

I feel like I have tried really hard to get him to enjoy things and it’s almost like a full time job. Maybe I’m being unfair. I do think he would be best getting outside more that’s for sure. What was it that affected you so much? Why were you in that pit? I think he’s been like this on and off for years, long before we met.

In childhood I always felt I had to do all I could to impress or be the best. Not sure that’s linked but I am so fed up I could just wash my hands of it all at this point :(

It does sound as though the relationship has run it's course. That its dead. Have you thought about parting ways and moving on?

You know him best, but are you sure it's not his natural personality and that the enthusiasm you briefly experienced is the anomaly?

My DH got like this when he was in a particularly bad place at work and horribly stressed. Initially I tried to support him (I work in the same field so know what it can be like), but when it got no better and started significantly impacting family life, I told him I was ending the relationship for the sake of the kids who didn't need to grow up in a household marred by negativity and criticism after years of not having that. A change of role and some counselling sorted it out and things are great again now. I'm glad we worked through it but life is way too short to lose years trying to change someone who doesn't want to and I would have left had he not got on with it.

Know your boundaries. IME people can only give so much of themselves trying to support/change someone before it starts wreaking damaging changes on themselves.

Good luck.