How to tell new partner about PTSD?

[SparkleOwl65]

Recently started dating someone. It's only been a few weeks so early days. I suffer with PTSD, which I know is extremely stigmatised and people automatically think it consists of me thrashing around at night having bad dreams and screaming in my sleep. It's not the case at all. It stems from years of abuse from my ex partner. I am likely to always have it to an extent but I am much better now. I had a situation the other day however where I was anxious and having intrusive memories of my ex and I went quiet for about 30 mins whilst I processed and went through the stages of processing my old therapist taught me. It helped, I was fine, and prevented a panic attack. He must have thought I was being really off though and that I was just being weird or ignoring him. It would be so much easier to just say it, be honest about it etc, but I just can't bring myself to as I have this real sense of shame and fear that he will reject me due to being 'damaged'. It's a mental block and I just need some guidance re what to do. Mumsnet?

Personally I'd wait quite a while before telling him.

Not because it's anything to be ashamed of, it isn't. But because it's such a private, personal thing to share, and it shows your vulnerability to abuse.

Sometimes the urge is to bare all with a new person because you want them to truly know you and you want to make sure they won't bail. But it can be too much too soon and change things from being lighthearted and appealing and fun to more like a therapist/client dynamic.

There's also the fact that abusive men prey on women who have been abused because they think they're more likely to accept poor treatment or have had their defences broken down.

Maybe this'll be an unpopular view, so be it. I have PTSD myself from something entirely different. I'd come up with some excuse for if it happens again (you're tired, had a bad night's sleep, worrying about a work thing, whatever) and wait until you've been together at least six months before disclosing past abusive relationships and PTSD. It'd be different if it were something unrelated to an abusive relationship, depression for example. But it just feels very risky to me to be laying it all out there with such a new potential boyfriend.

I totally get where you are coming from, it took me years and years to over come my PTSD from a previously bad relationship. If you are being traumatised still so early on in your new relationship you may need to re think where you are in your recovery. I had to bail on a few relationships as I recovered as I was being triggered too easily. I am pleased to say that I am mostly recovered now and in a strong and healthy relationship. I have openly told him about the previous relationship and my reaction to it afterwards but we had been together over a year when I disclosed.

Wait until you feel the time is right. If you have to use that technique and it bothers him, he'd say so, in a healthy relationship. He'd open a conversation and you'd feel comfortable with giving an answer, whether it was to explain to him what's happening, or to tell him you're not ready to explain to him. He'll respect your answer.

We're all damaged. That's ok. A respectful partner will respect us nonetheless. Your partner will need to be the sort of person who will accept that you have PTSD, and your methods of coping, and that it will take you a while to share the information.

Respect yourself. Expect your partner to respect you. Tell him what you need, and if he's not willing to provide you with what you need, he's not your guy.

It's been a few weeks, you are vulnerable, please don't disclose information that shows a new man you are vulnerable. This is far too soon.