Hopefully this won’t be too long. I’ve been with DH 6yrs , married for nearly 3yrs. It’s my third marriage his first. I have one 16yr still at home. He has no children.
when I met DH , I thought I’d finally found a life partner. He had same values, beliefs and drive as me.
I remember clearly stating to him that I won’t tolerate alcoholism, affairs , lies and being treated like sex object.
we both work in well paid jobs , he earns three times as much as me.
As time went on a few alarm bells started ringing
he told me that he had a lot of money coming to him from sale of a pub he owned, he wanted us to buy house , holidays etc etc - this money never appeared and despite asking for evidence there was always a reason/excuse why he couldn’t provide it. The last excuse was taxman took it all as he hadn’t declared it.
- he told me he wasn’t a great drinker but that was a lie as once moved in he was drinking in excess of 100 units a week. Vodka in water bottle - lies when I found empty bottles that I’d put them there etc my concern about his behaviour changes towards me when drinking were because I was too over sensitive due to 1st DH being abusive and alcoholic. He cut down when we would argue about it but it creeps back up every time.
- He brought an engagement ring when we’d spilt up over his drinking. We had been looking at rings and he “brought” the one I liked. Continual emails about how it’s lovely and let’s work this out I will stop drinking etc. when we did get back together this ring he claimed was in a safety deposit box he got a loan , then it’s on credit from jewellers he couldn’t get to bank on time to get it out to show me when I became suspicious - I never saw it as apparently he gave it back - this lie went on for months.
as I never been lied to like this , so convincingly and for so long I actually thought he was being truthful about everything!
after about 18 months he moved in with me. ( he was sleeping in his sisters couch after end of his last relationship )
- 2017 he told me he was paying for counselling privately to sort his drinking and behaviour out - he would tell me how great it went and how he’s learning where he needs to improve. This facade was kept up for months , like an idiot I believed he was going every week. 2020 This was a lie I found out just before completing on buying my house - I called off the sale as I was devastated.
- 2018 I changed my full time well paid job to part- time new job - he encouraged me to do this and told me he would make up the shortfall in money - this hasn’t happened.
We got married in 2019 it was quickly as his dad who resurfaced after many years absent was dying and wanted to see his son married.
once married his attitude towards me changed further - he’s rude to me , if I don’t answer a text quick enough I’m ignoring him , I get silent treatment where I’m not sure what and if I’ve done anything wrong. He’s tracked my phone until I’ve turned off “find my” ( I’d allowed him to as my job means I home visit alone)
these last few years of being married have been a rollercoaster of emotions - things are ok - he’s giving me generous gifts , being nice to , talking to me etc. when I comment on drinking or how he’s just spoken to me or if he doesn’t think we had enough sex he’s horrible to me.
last month after ignoring me for two days - he came up behind me and pulled my dressing gown over my head and tried to touch me. I told him to get off - he did but then ignored me after. I tried to explain how disrespectful I found it as he’d not engaged with me in any other form for past two days.
he’s now making a big thing about I’ve accused him of sexual assault and how upsetting it is for him all he wanted was to touch me. Now I feel I’m wrong for saying anything!
due to this he’s being more distant to me until he wanted after a night shift to come into the main bedroom to sleep - he’d texted me which woke me up at 3am to ask once I’d woken can he have bed hope this text hasn’t woken you as can hear you snoring . I’d text back no , text did wake me up. At which point I heard him shouting *ucking bitch and come running up the stairs
Banging the main bedroom door open shouting at me about how horrible I am etc I was so scared as I’ve never seen this side to him before I tried to explain I hadn’t said no to him sleeping in bed but no to I wasn’t asleep.
we Had been going to marriage counselling but she now can’t see us as it’s abusive what he’s done.
past two weeks although he says he’s sorry nothing has changed he still ignores me , then twists it that I’m clearly not wanting him here - to I’ve emailed respect line to get help ( that’s as far as he’s got) he’s allegedly talking to counsellor at night (he works nights) arranged through his work.
the latest episode was Friday night I got an email from him saying he and his counsellor think it’s best if we spilt up , he will continue to live here whilst he saves money up to move out. When I got over shock I said yes I think that’s best but now he saying it’s a mistake he doesn’t want this .
in all honesty I don’t think it’s fixable after everything that’s happened but I’m also scared as every bill is in my name, the expensive car is in my name. He’s all ready saying he won’t pay anything towards the bills. I'm cross with myself for getting into this position as before I met him I had no debt and was happy and comfortable financially.
sorry it’s so long - in fact reading it back I’ve scared myself seeing it in black and white and knowing that’s there’s more I haven’t said !!