Is divorce the answer?

[masika99]

I need some perspective from women who have been through a similar situation or have had a good experience being in a relationship/marriage.

We've been married for 6 years, have a 3 year old, we've lived in financial comfort before we had a baby and while we had issues in the relationship beforehand, I think the fun of being able to go out, travel etc kept me blindsided. I thought when we have a baby I will be happier because I will be fulfilled.

Becoming a parent made me realise that as a woman I do the majority of childcare, housework, planning and the general life admin. I've taken the role of the main driver in our family. On top of that I also work and try to build a business on a side. Financially we are okay if we both work but his income isn't enough for all of us. He earns more income and does less in the household so I pick the pieces and feel resentful towards him. I've lost the lightness and fun in me because I've become the woman who always has got too much on and worries about everything because I don't feel like my husband can be in control. That made me lose respect towards him because I feel disappointed.

We are not intimate anymore and I don't find him attractive. He has not been trying to make an effort either in the last years. We live like flatmates who don't have that much fun together.

I am asking myself is this as good as it gets? When I talk to other mums they complain about their partners and I am wondering if all women feel slightly unhappy or resentful or there are relationships where there are success stories. Please share your stories. I feel stuck. Am I looking for a scenario which doesn't exist or am I settling for something which isn't right for me?

I was with my ex for ten years, married for six and we have two children together. Aside from him just not being a very nice person to me, I also picked up all the childcare/housework/shopping/organising...as well as working...we were rarely intimate and didn't find him attractive. It took me years to leave as I didn't believe the grass would be greener as like you, I had several unhappy friends in long term relationships. Let me tell you - nearly two years post split I'm the happiest I've ever been. I'm with a wonderful man who I love more than I thought possible. He's helpful, kind, loving, considerate, great with the kids...do I do more than him in terms of housework etc? Yes...but I have found that for the right person, things just work. Life's too short to be unhappy, OP x

Thank you for sharing. This makes me feel hopeful.

You sound young, do you really want to not have sex for the rest of your life ?

I’m 32 and we haven’t had a healthy sex life for a few years. The thought of never being sexually fulfilled makes me sad. Having relationships on the side isn’t the answer either. So to answer your question @KangarooKenny of course I’d like to enjoy that side of the relationship. I’m wondering if the spark can ever come back?

I think the housework issue can breed enormous amounts of resentments and justifiably so. Distribution of housework should not be decided on who earns more money but on hours worked! Laziness is an enormously unattractive trait.

Have you laid out exactly what the issue is in the way you have here, and if yes what was his response? That should probably be the driver for whether or not you stay together.

I am assuming here that you have tried many times to speak to him about the imbalance? If so, then it is as good as it gets. He is unlikely to change and this will be your life if you wish to continue with it. I have never been married but all my friends are. They are also on their second marriages. The first ones all ended up like yours. The resentment festered in them for years until they gave up and left. Thankfully they all have lovely second husbands that pull their weight. When they started out on their next relationships they made sure the second husbands knew the ground rules and what they were expected to do and the consequences of not doing it! They strangely all seemed to tow the line!

Dear OP, you are so young and my heart aches for you. It also aches for me at your age. I remember exactly how I felt, how I struggled and how much in pain I was all the time and I wish I could go to my young self and talk some sense into her.

For years I was sad and unhappy, but I did not consider leaving my husband, not sure exactly why. Growing up I saw so many unhappy women, a lot of them abused severely, who were staying with their husbands and I always though this would not be me. I guess when you marry you think this is forever and you just carry on. I recently separated from my husband after 25 years of living together. I can only say, I wish I had done it when I was 32, young and beautiful, healthy, full of life, but still, it is better even then never.

I am not saying you have to leave your husband. God knows many women stay for the sake of kids, financially stability, family etc. You could try talking to him, of course, going for couples therapy, going for individual therapy, sometimes it does work.

Hi OP,

I was you. I now know how this unfolds, which is that what is happening is that, facilitated by your labour in the home, your man is getting ahead in work. Give it a decade and he'll be raking in the adulation from colleagues and earning x8 as much as you, and you will be tired and your opportunities will be diminished. You will be doing 99% of the emotional labour with the kids and still nobody will give you a shred of the attention you need. You at least can then get divorced (and half the family money will be yours). I have called it a day and I am just - only just - still young enough to reframe my career and start again and maybe find a new partner if I want, or at least have some sex. However my ex is now invincible: a high earner who never got his hands dirty cleaning the bathroom floor. He isn't tired and I am. I'd go as soon as you start to feel despair. As soon as your heart sinks when you think of him.

Good luck.

This was my marriage. My resentment grew and grew, until I exploded and we ended horrendously. 2 years on, yes it's hard being a single parent however I have no resentment, I know I'm doing it all for the kids and happy to do so. He pays maintenance and takes them regularly, which he never did when married, so I get time to do housework, shop, socialise, whatever I want. I was 35 when I split and I've now never been happier. It's hard, but doable and worth it.

It’s not all a bed of roses if you do split. Have you tried counselling?

Sharing a child is hard. Dealing with your ex meeting someone else and possibly having children with them is hard. Financially it’s hard.

As long as you are open to this and have tried to resolve things then go for it.is he aware of what’s on the line?

I don't think it has to be like this. DH is wonderful. We have been together 24 years and have 2 DCs 6 and 2. I love him and he is my best friend. After DD2 was born, I was not working but DH started doing the huge majority of the cooking (his idea) as he felt with 2 small DC I had too much to deal with and he wanted to contribute more. He has kept doing it even though I we are long past the newborn stage and I don't work nearly as many hours as him.

So the reality is, if you split you have to do all of the stuff all of the time. Every loo that needs cleaning, bill that needs paying, bin that needs putting out- that will all be on you.

But, I found I didn't mind anymore because I'm not resentful anymore about the other person not doing it. Loo needs cleaning- I'd best crack on. Bill needs paying- I'll do that then and not worry about if there's enough money because I know there is because it's mine. Bin needs putting out- well it's not bloody rocket science is it and I don't need to practically award someone a medal for doing it.

I'm so much less tired because I'm not expending the mental energy of resenting the person I'm stuck in a house with. But equally, divorce is a hard road and the most emotionally difficult thing I've ever done. So I'm not sure how helpful my post is!

Yes, I feel exactly the same. Good luck OP.

If you think he's selfish now, he probably will be after you split.
I ended up doing 95% of childcare etc whilst ex is living his best life. He's met someone else and I'm currently single.
I find I've got another child in the ex, but he was another child when we were together tbh.
I manage just fine without him.

This is my life, I am currently in counselling to try and work on myself to see if that improves things as dh hasn't taken any steps to do anything teally to make life easier.
I am hoping it at least enables me to figure out what I might want to do next.